Saturday, March 1, 2008

The 17 Greatest Horror Movie Weapons Ever

#17: Modern Day Barbwire Mace
From: High Tension
Used by: Marie
If you only walk away from French gorefest High Tension with one thing, it'll be the shock you get from the heinous ways people get wrecked in the film. One dude, who's head is clamped in between wooden staircase beams, gets his head torn clean off when an armoire is slammed into him. Another person gets sliced up like a Christmas ham by a circular saw. But the nastiest weapon used in High Tension is a piece of wood that barbwire is wrapped around to make a modern day mace. As Marie bashed the face of the killer with this barbwire club a bagillion times, the prongs actually stuck to his flesh every time.

#16: Necktie
From: Frenzy
Used by: Robert Rusk
Normally, the necktie is an item of formal dress. You wear one if you're going to a wedding, an anniversary dinner, a funeral, a shunting ceremony, or if you have a 6 figure job. However, in Alfred Hitchcock's Frenzy, the necktie is used by the film's redheaded killer (who appears on the surface to be a well-mannered gentleman) to asphyxiate females in order to get off. The next time your mother or loved one bugs you about putting on a tie so you look "nice" for whatever event you're going, you can always bring up Frenzy's necktie killer.

#15: Gynecological Tools for Mutant Women
From: Dead Ringers
Used by: Beverly Mantle
If you haven't experienced David Cronenberg's unsettling masterpiece Dead Ringers, go see it. It's about two identical twin brothers who both work together as gynecologists and share everything, including the women they're boinking. To make things even creepier, Beverly (the nicer brother) starts to lose his mind and gets some vagina-mutilating gynecological tools custom made for "mutant women." After he attempts to use them on a patient, Dr. Beverly gets fired and eventually murders his twin brother with the tools. While not originally intended to be weapons but something to operate on chicks with 3 cervical entrances ("trifurcate uterus") , the tools in Dead Ringers gain a new deadlier purpose, making our list for one of the greatest things used to kill in horror films.

#14: Pizza Cutter
From: Into the Mirror (Geoul Sokeuro)
Used by: Choi Mi-jeong's Reflection
In this Korean horror film, a girl is slain by a reflection of herself. As she gazes into the mirror, her mirror image slashes her throat wide open with a pizza cutter, causing the girl to choke on her own blood. While it's hard to look at a pizza cutter the same way after seeing Into the Mirror, we're just glad it wasn't caked in old pizza cheese and crumbs like the ones we're used to seeing. Food + deep wounds = one fucking disgusting infection.

#13: Razor-Sharp Clawed-Glove
From: A Nightmare on Elm Street series
Used by: Freddy Krueger
A list of the best weapons ever used in horror films would be no list at all if it didn't include one of the most recognizable weapons of all, Freddy Krueger's clawed glove. The iconic burn victim has butchered countless teenagers in a variety of artistic ways over the course of the 8 films he's starred in, but Fred's signature deathblow is sinking his razor-sharp talons into the flesh of his victims. It's a sight we'll never get sick of seeing.

#12: Television Set
From: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Used by: Henry
In the gritty 1986 movie Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (which is loosely based on the confessions of real life murderer Henry Lee Lucas), Henry and his prison buddy Otis are insulted by a black market merchant who tells them they only have enough money for a black and white television. Henry doesn't like the idea of watching his homemade snuff films on a black and white set, so he takes the TV and smashes it over the head of the dealer. What a great way to kill someone... in a movie that is.

#11: Pogo Stick
From: Leprechaun
Used by: The Leprechaun
There's only one thing worse than having a disproportionate Irishman punch holes all across your torso with a pogo stick--and it's if he clowns you in a horribly-rhyming song while repeatedly gouging you under his weight. And that's exactly what happens in this short video from the awesomely cheesy 1993 horror movie Leprechaun. Who would have thought this child's toy could be put to a better use than making you look like a bouncing idiot?

#10: Elaborate Torture Devices
From: Saw series
Used by: Jigsaw
Imagine that you wake up and you're stuck in a grimy room faced with nothing but a machine that has been custom built to destroy you (often in a manner that symbolizes your life in some way) or maim you horribly if you manage to escape. That's what Jonathan Kramer, "The Jigsaw Killer", does to his victims and if you've never seen a Saw film, you're missing out on some of the most imaginatively inhumane movie deaths ever. One of the best torture devices from any of the Saw films is from Saw III where a man is shackled to the bottom of a huge steel vat and then slowly drowned by bloated rotting pig carcasses which are grinded up into putrid sludge that is used to slowly fill up the vat. Talk about one fucked up screenwriter.

#9: Basketball
From: Deadly Friend
Used by: Samantha Pringle
If there's one thing that can be learned from watching Wes Craven's relatively unknown film Deadly Friend, it's that you shouldn't screw with teenagers who are severely abused by their parents. You especially don't mess with them if they are an immortal cyborg that can explode your face with a basketball using their unholy might. Watch as the beastly actress who played Mama Fratelli in The Goonies gets pulverized in this clip.

#8: American Flag
From: The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Used by: Doug
Nothing brings a patriotic tear to my eye more than witnessing an American flag being used to impale the freakishly deformed head of one of the mutants in The Hills Have Eyes, pulled out of its skull, and then used again to stab straight through the throat of another mutant--We're being facetious here, but we're not joking when we say that this makeshift weapon is unforgettable in the realm of horror.

#8: Rusty Hook
From: Candyman series
Used by: Candyman
People have been getting gutted by pirates, incensed amputees, and other assorted hooked maniacs way before the days of Candyman, but never have people been ravaged by such a nasty looking hook. Not only is the corroded hook of Candyman hundreds of years old, it's so sloppily jammed into the mangled hunk of flesh where his hand used to be, making this horror movie weapon one of the single most terrifying things to be gored with. Just watch this clip and tell us it doesn't send shivers down your spine.

#6: Scythe
From: Hostel: Part II
Used by: Mrs. Bathory
In an excruciatingly difficult to watch scene from Hostel: Part II, a naked girl (Weinerdog from Welcome to the Dollhouse) is suspended upside down directly over a bathtub where an older nude woman, Mrs. Bathory, waits to bathe in her blood. Mrs. Bathory, an obvious reference to the real life Hungarian Countess Bathory who is believed to have bathed in the blood of virgins, then slices the girl's youthful flesh to ribbons with a scythe. If the copious amount of blood flowing all over this woman's ample, yet wrinkly, breasts doesn't get some sort of reaction out of you (whether it's revulsion or arousal), the harrowing sounds of the sharpened tip of the scythe scraping the girl will.

#5: Lawnmower
From: Dead Alive
Used by: Lionel Cosgrove
In what's arguably the single bloodiest scene in any movie ever made, the gangly protagonist in Peter Jackson's Dead Alive uses a lawnmower towards the end of the movie to liquefy an entire house loaded with zombies, splattering blood, bowels, and body parts everywhere in the process. Any fan of gore will tell you that this classic scene will show you a level of violence you've never been exposed to.

#4: Pimped Out Chainsaw
From: Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
Used by: Leatherface
Everyone's favorite chainsaw wielding retarded killer got an upgrade in the third installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For his birthday, Leatherface receives a new ornate chainsaw with the words "The Saw is Family" engraved on it. To make matters even more ridiculous, the filmmakers tried to push this lame idea even further by putting the image of this gold-plated chainsaw on the official posters and VHS/DVD covers of the movie. But even though we laughed out loud after seeing Leatherface's new toy, doesn't mean we didnt enjoy watching him rip through people in style. The blinged-up chainsaw from TCM III is one of the most memorably horror movie weapons ever.

#3: Cotton Candy Gun
From: Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Used by: The Killer Klowns
Easily one of the most inventive guns ever to be featured in a movie, horror or otherwise, is the cotton candy guns wielded by the grotesque alien Klowns of Killer Klowns from Outer Space. When fired, the guns discharge a beam of electricity that covers the target in a flesh-melting cocoon of cotton candy. Trapped in the pink cocoon, the person inside slowly gelatinizes, bones and all, so the Killer Klowns can drink their juicy remains. Delicious!

#2: Stone Phallus
From: Cannibal Holocaust
Used by: Pissed-Off Yacumo Husband
The price of committing adultery among the fictional Yacumo tribe is demonstrated in the tremendously controversial Italian exploitation flick Cannibal Holocaust. What happens (presumably only if you're a cheating female) is a giant rock dildo is bulldozed into your genitals... over and over again. Yeah, don't show this film to your girlfriend.

#1: Chainsaw Hand
From: Evil Dead II / Army of Darkness
Used by: Ash
What do you do when your right hand becomes demonically possessed and tries to kill you? Ash Williams from the legendary Evil Dead trilogy had an answer to that question and it was to amputate his evil appendage with a crusty chainsaw. In Evil Dead II, after severing his hand, Ash attaches the chainsaw to his bloodied stump, giving him the most killer prosthesis of all time. There's really nothing more satisfying than shredding through hellish enemies with a chainsaw hand.

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