The holiday season is officially upon us. The food, the festivities, the relatives. Feeling nauseous yet? Does spending quality time with the fam fill you with unspeakable levels of fear and loathing? Do you break out in sweaty hives at the very idea of all that forced togetherness and pre-fab merrymaking? If that's the case, take heart, because it could always be worse. No matter what your situation is, these 13 belligerent broods will make yours look positively Rockwellian by comparison. You will be grateful that you're drowning in your own gene pool and not theirs.
13. Parents
What if instead of serving Tom Turkey for Thanksgiving, your mother decided to dish up Tom, your next door neighbor? Living a vegan's worst nightmare, a little boy realizes very quickly that sometimes it's best to keep the origins of "mystery meat" mysterious. So the next time you're bitching about that umpteenth turkey sandwich, just be glad that the protein you're consuming never had arms or a credit card. Guess Chevy Chase and the Griswolds were lucky Randy Quaid ran out of meat that time he had them over for dinner.
12. Friday The 13th
Let's look at this from the Voorhees' perspective, shall we? If some snotty, half-witted counselors let your sorry, deformed ass drown at summer camp, wouldn't you want your mom to dedicate the rest of her life to avenging your death? It's the least she could do. June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable, Maggie Seaver and all those other so-called, "good" mothers aren't worthy of shining Mrs. Voorhees' bloody shoes. So kudos to you, Jason's mom. A family that slays together stays together.
11. Sleepwalkers
It's one thing to have a close relationship with your maternal unit, but it's an entirely different ball of wax once you start sleeping with her. In Stephen King's tale of felonious feline incest, shape-shifting Brian Krause spurns Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick for his own mother. Who ever said cats aren't affectionate creatures?
10. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?
The only situation more unfortunate than being the black sheep of the family is being at the ebony ewe's mercy. As in most cases of violent sibling rivalry, the envious former child star blames her older sister for her life's problems. Considering how the majority of juvenile actors turn out, Baby Jane doesn't actually seem all that maladjusted.
9. Serial Mom
What would be the final straw that would convince you that your mommy was crazy? Her obsessive enforcement of the "no white after Labor Day" rule? The fact that she speaks in a rumbling baritone that gives James Earl Jones a run for his money? Or would it be her habit of killing people for no good reason? Kathleen Turner addresses all these questions and more during her John Waters-inspired spree.
8. The Stepfather
In spite of what The Brady Bunch would have us believe, most stepfamilies go through an awkward adjustment phase at first. Of course, that initial period of discomfort may last a little longer if your new daddy happens to be a homicidal maniac with severe identity issues. As the bizarro Mike Brady, Lost's Terry O'Quinn is a living, breathing (and murdering) endorsement for single moms to remain blissfully unattached.
7. Rob Zombie's Halloween
Providing viewers with a glimpse into Michael Myers' less than ideal upbringing, the lead singer of White Zombie gives us a peek at the boy behind the mask. From his slutty sister to his stripper mama's drunken, live-in boyfriend, The Shape's familial background is straight out of the serial killer's handbook. Then again, if those were your relatives you might be tempted to slaughter them, too.
6. Mommie Dearest
Rarely has the phrase "based on a true story" been more powerful than it is here. Proving once again that it takes more than fame and fortune to make a happy home, Joan Crawford's adopted kids would probably have been better off at the orphanage. And why her daughter couldn't just keep her clothes in a dresser to avoid any possible trouble will always be a mystery.
5. The Hills Have Eyes
Inspired by the real life Sawney Bean clan, this is one family unit that knows how to have a good time as a group. Instead of overeating, getting drunk or watching grown men in tights tackle each other on TV, these merry mutants waylay tourists and kidnap babies. It goes to show that rampant inbreeding not only warps your DNA, but it can also affect your sense of fun.
4. Children Of The Corn
If you happen to be at a Thanksgiving party with a bunch of rugrats this week, make sure to keep a close eye on them. Strange things may be afoot at the kiddie table. Populated by brats who make the Hitler Youth look like Brownies, this cinematic argument against breeding strongly suggests that children are not the future and that the kids are real fucking far from alright.
3. Amityville II: The Possession
Burt Young (aka Paulie, the world's lousiest brother-in-law) shows once again why he is so good at embodying bad relatives. Playing the abusive, wife-beating patriarch of the cantankerous Montellis, Young's paterfamilias not only drives his first born horribly insane, he doesn't even notice that his eldest son and daughter (played by Better Off Dead/Last American Virgin's Diane Franklin are having an incestuous relationship right under his nose. Good thing Paulie never had kids.
2. Pink Flamingos
What's scarier than an overweight, shit-eating transvestite made up like a demented clown? His (or her) family. Starting with Divine's egg-obsessed mother (who happens to sleep in a playpen) and ending with his/her angry, chicken-loving son, it is truly amazing that "The Filthiest Person Alive" isn't even close to being the weirdest character in this twisted, trailer trash tale.
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