Tuesday, February 12, 2008

9 Hollywood Scandals Long Before Lindsay, Paris and Britney


I’m pretty sure 95 percent of the tabloid-y magazines this week (and last week, and the week before, and next week) are all about Britney Spears. Does she have mental health issues? Did she get a restraining order against her paparazzo boyfriend? When was the last time she saw her kids? How many Rite Aids has she visited this week?

And although Lindsay has been lying low (for Lindsay), there’s still talk of whether or not she’s really sober and who she’s dating now and how bad her last movie was. Then there’s dear Paris. Making out with Jared Leto at Sundance. Sigh. There goes the very last bit of my teenage crush on Jordan Catalano.

These girls are far from the first to be scandalized in the tabloids, though. Let’s take a look back at nine Hollywood scandals before Paris was a glimmer in her daddy’s eye. In fact, before her dad Rick Hilton was a glimmer in HIS daddy’s eye… and some stories before Barron Hilton was a glimmer in Conrad Hilton’s eye. OK, I’ll stop.

1. 1901 – Evelyn Nesbit

nesbit.jpg

At the turn of the century, Evelyn Nesbit was one of the most sought-after models in New York and became one of the famous Gibson Girls. Her modeling career turned to acting when she starred as one of the Floradora chorus girls at the age of 16. That’s where 47-year-old married architect Stanford White started wooing her. It’s said that he is the one who, uh, deflowered her. He then moved on to younger, more virginal girls while Evelyn got pregnant – twice – by John Barrymore (Drew’s grandpa). Although Stanford White wasn’t romantically involved with Evelyn at the time, they were still quite emotionally attached and he paid for her to go away and be treated for “appendicitis”. It’s disputed as to whether she actually had the baby or had an abortion.

She married a jealous, terribly abusive man, Harry K. Thaw, at the age of 20. In 1906, the couple ran into Evelyn’s old lover, Stanford, at the rooftop theater of Madison Square Garden where Thaw shot Stanford point-blank in the face three times, yelling either “You will never see this woman again!” or “You ruined my life!” or “You ruined my wife!” There seems to be controversy over his actual words. Evelyn was presented with a deal: if she testified that Thaw was only avenging her virtue because White had raped her, Evelyn would receive a divorce settlement of $1 million. She did, but was denied the money. She tried to commit suicide several times over the course of the rest of her life, but ended up dying in a nursing home at the age of 82 in Santa Monica.

2. 1924 - Thomas Ince and William Randolph Hearst

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Obviously Mr. Hearst is not without his share of scandal. But murder? Maybe. Actor, director, producer and screenwriter Ince was celebrating his 42nd birthday on Hearst’s yacht when he died. The official reason is that he ate too much and drank too much and simply had a heart attack. The rumor, though, is that Hearst shot him because either Ince was making a movie on Hearst’s mistress, Marion Davies, or Charlie Chaplin was and Hearst confused Ince for Chaplin on the dark boat. I guess only a couple of people really know for sure. His granddaughter Patty Hearst wrote her vision of how it happened in the novel Murder at San Simeon, but makes sure to let the reader know that she has no idea what really happened.

3. 1926 – Rudolph Valentino

stacy12.jpgIf we think it’s hard for a public figure to be openly gay these days, imagine what an uproar even mere rumors would have caused in 1926. Valentino’s first wife, Jean Acker, was a lesbian who admitted she only married him to save her career. He wasn’t aware of her sexual orientation until she locked him out of their hotel room on their wedding night and fled to her girlfriend’s house. There were lots of rumors that his second wife also preferred women and that he was a homosexual who kept marrying lesbians so he didn’t have to consummate any marriages (neither rumor was true). It was suggested that he had relationships with at least five other actors. Journalists were constantly saying he was effeminate based on his style of clothing and hair. He took great offense to this and even challenged a reporter when he noted that a vending machine in a men’s bathroom in Chicago was dispensing feminine pink talcum powder and blamed it on Valentino’s influence. Valentino challenged him to a boxing match (the journalist declined). Supposedly when he was suffering from a perforated ulcer on his deathbed in 1926, Valentino asked the doctor if he thought he was a Powder Puff. The doctor is said to have replied, “No, sir, you’ve been very brave.”

4. 1927 – Marion Parker /Edward Hickman

marionparker.jpgWilliam Edward Hickman terrorized L.A. in 1927 and 1928 when he kidnapped the daughter of a prominent local banker, Perry Parker. His method was scarily simple: he waltzed into the 12-year-old’s junior high school and told the administrator that Perry was ill and wanted to see his daughter. The administrator probably should have realized something was up when Hickman a) didn’t know that Parker had twin daughters and b) didn’t know the names of either of them. Nevertheless, the administrator handed over Marion for some reason. Hickman demanded $1,500 in ransom money, which he promptly received. Instead of sending Marion home safe and sound, though, he returned her minus her arms and legs and internal organs. Police caught him a week later and Hickman was executed in October, 1928.

5. 1932 - Peg Entwistle

pegentwistle.jpgPeg Entwistle was an actress whose career wasn’t going so hot. In fact, her life really wasn’t going so hot. Her widowed father was killed in a traffic accident shortly after the two of them immigrated to America from Wales. His accident left her completely broke so she earned money by working on Broadway. Unfortunately, the Great Depression hit and people could no longer afford to spend money on extras like the theater. Peg started drinking heavily and headed to L.A. to pursue acting in April 1932. She received a role in the movie Thirteen Women, but her screen time ended up getting drastically cut. Right around this time, RKO Pictures decided not to renew her contract and didn’t even invite her to the September premiere of Thirteen Women. The night of the premiere, she told her uncle (whom she was living with) she was taking a walk. She headed for the famous 50-foot Hollywood sign (which still said Hollywoodland at the time), folded her coat, placed it on the ground next to her purse, climbed the maintenance ladder of the “H” and jumped. Her body was found two days later; sadly, her uncle said that the day she was found, a letter arrived offering her the lead role in a stage production. Her character would have committed suicide in the final act.

6. 1934 – Mary Astor

maryastor.jpgMary Astor might be one of the first child stars to be taken advantage of by her parents. When she was only 14, she started making movies with some big name people, including John Barrymore, and earned $500 a week. She moved from Paramount to Warner Brothers to Fox, who increased her salary to $3,750 a week. Her parents bought a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and lived the good life on Mary’s money. She escaped her parents when she married Kenneth Hawks in 1928, but the happiness wouldn’t last long: he was in a fatal plane crash in 1930, just about the time her movie career started going under because her voice didn’t translate well to “talkies”. She had a nervous breakdown and ended up marrying the doctor who attended to her.

By 1933, she was pretty broke and had to get the Motion Picture Relief Fund to pay her bills. Her parents didn’t have much sympathy – they sued her in 1934 for more financial support. She testified that all of her money had gone directly to their bank accounts even after her first marriage. It wasn’t until Hawks died that Mary decided she needed to look out for herself. She did, however, give them the home that they had purchased with her earnings. She also gave them $1,000 per month. When she hit hard times in ‘33, she told her parents she couldn’t afford to support them unless they moved to a smaller house – the house they lived in was bigger and more expensive than the one Mary lived in with her family. She also offered them $100 a month, plus food and utilities, but they refused to leave the mansion.

Mary said in her memoirs that in 1947 she sat with her delirious mother on her deathbed in the hospital. Because of dementia, her mother spent hours complaining to Mary about her selfish, horrible daughter Lucile (Mary’s real name). Mary read her mother’s diaries after she died and said she was surprised to know how much her own mother hated her.

7. 1935 – Loretta Young

loretta.jpgEverybody knows about Gable and Lombard, but Gable and Young? Yup. Loretta Young and Clark Gable had an affair in 1935 while they were filming Call of the Wild, despite the fact that Gable was married to Texas socialite Ria Franklin Prentiss Lucas Langham (say that 10 times fast). Loretta disappeared to Europe to have the baby quietly; nineteen months later she showed back up and said she had adopted a daughter, Judy. When the baby got older, it was very clear that she looked exactly like Loretta Young with Clark Gable’s ears. It wasn’t until 1958 that Judy confronted her mother, who, after throwing up, admitted that Judy was Clark Gable’s daughter. Prior to Gable, Loretta had an affair with Spencer Tracy.

8. 1943 – Frances Farmer

farmer.jpgPoor Frances Farmer was in and out of mental hospitals so often, she’s like the original Girl, Interrupted. In 1936, after only a year with Paramount, she had top billing in two B-movies, had married actor Leif Erickson and was cast in her first A-list movie opposite Bing Crosby. She began to get frustrated that she wasn’t being cast in challenging roles, only “pretty girl” roles. By 1939 she was becoming known for her erratic behavior and excessive drinking. She and Erickson divorced in 1942 (he remarried the same day). She was arrested a few months later for driving with her headlights on in a war-time blackout zone. Police suspected she was drunk and put her in jail overnight.

The following year, Frances was arrested at the Knickerbocker Hotel when her hairdresser said that Frances had dislocated her jaw in a fit of rage on set. At her trial, she shoved a policeman down, hit another and threw an inkwell at the judge. She was transferred to the psychiatric ward at L.A. General Hospital where she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. She was given shock therapy but escaped the hospital within nine months. Eventually Frances was handed over to her mother’s custody, but that didn’t work out so well - she assaulted her mother, who had her committed to Western State Hospital in Washington. It was there that she received electro-convulsive shock treatment. A few months later, in 1944, it was announced that she was totally cured. The talk of the town was that the “cure” was a lobotomy, but that has been denied by multiple sources. Apparently the cure wasn’t permanent, because she was found wandering around Antioch, Calif., Anne Heche-style, and was recommitted to Western State Hospital for another five years. She did return to showbiz for several years but by 1964 she was having extreme mood swings again. She died in 1970 of esophageal cancer.

9. 1953 – Gene Tierney

gene.jpgFormer New York debutante Gene Tierney became incredibly successful on Broadway by the age of 20. She soon found herself in roles opposite Rory Calhoun, Rex Harrison, Tyrone Power, Clark Gable and Humphrey Bogart. It was Bogart who discovered how deep Gene’s mental problems ran while they were filming The Left Hand of God in 1953. He encouraged her to seek help, so when the movie wrapped she was admitted to Harkness Pavilion in New York and then the Institute of Living in Hartford, Conn., where she received 27 shock treatments. It was too much for her and she tried to escape the asylum, but she was caught and reinstitutionalized. She tried to commit suicide in 1957 by jumping off of a ledge but was stopped just in time. It was thought that her bipolar disorder was triggered when she gave birth to her first daughter, who was born deaf, partially blind and had some mental handicaps. Tierney’s close friend Howard Hughes saw to it that her daughter received the best care possible. Although she never admitted to an affair with Howard Hughes, she did have affairs with John F. Kennedy and Tyrone Power while separated from her husband, Oleg Cassini (one of Jacqueline Kennedy’s favorite designers).

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Nicolas Cage Ready To Quit Acting


Academy Award winning actor Nicolas Cage is threatening to quit the movie industry because he is ‘tired of it’ and admits he has lost his passion for acting and complains his career has forced him to become antisocial.

Some movie stars look like they are having a ball, but I’m tired of it. It has made me reclusive. That is an increasingly gnawing feeling in my body. When I first started I loved it. One of my frustrations is I have no control. I haven’t worked in a while, and it will be eight months before I start my next picture. I know for the first time which direction I’m going in and what changes I want to make.”

44 year old Cage also fears his fans are tired of watching him on the big screen. He adds,:

For some reason, I piss off the audience. People who like one type of film don’t like to see me in another. Things I did and said early on still haunt me. I started acting at 17, but I’m 44 now and have grown up. I wonder if I am still interesting to watch if I didn’t drink or raise hell, but it’s obnoxious to keep drinking.”

Well, I don’t think he’s all that serious about quitting. He has all kinds of movies lined up for this year and next:

  1. Electric God (2009) announced
  2. The Dance (2008) announcedBilly ‘The Kid’ Roth’
  3. Amarillo Slim (2008) pre-production
  4. Knowing (2008) pre-production
  5. G-Force (2009) filming-voice
  6. Bangkok Dangerous (2008) completed
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Hulk Hogan Pasta to Shaq Fu: The 11 Most Pointless Celebrity Products

#11.
Rap Snacks--Dirt McGirt Potato Chips

Celebrity Offender: Old Dirty Bastard AKA Dirt McGirt

If you're wondering who in the blue hell "Dirt McGirt" is, he's the Old Dirty Bastard (ODB) from the highly-regarded and innovative rap super group the Wu-Tang Clan. ODB was his own man. ODB would do things like take a limo to the welfare office to pick up his check while his album was still on the Top 10 charts, all while being filmed by MTV. So either ODB had the biggest set of balls you've ever seen, or he was just batshit crazy. OK, he was just batshit crazy.

The Bastardly one had an arrest record longer than your arm, consisting of assault and battery, failure to pay child support, possession of crack, home-invasion robbery, attempted murder and several other crimes they hadn't invented laws for yet. Naturally, this made ODB the perfect candidate for his very own posthumously released potato chip, displaying the inspirational message "Think Responsibly." Because if anyone is a spokesperson for thinking responsibly, it's a lifetime criminal who died of a drug overdose.
#10.
Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky

Celebrity Offender: Jeff Foxworthy

If you ever see this jerky on the shelf while walking around your local Wal-Mart or truck stop, don't get too excited. They didn't ACTUALLY kill Jeff Foxworthy and turn his flesh into a tasty dehydrated treat, he just decided to put his name and mustachioed face on a product sure to delight ages 5 to 60, and IQ scores 70 to 75.

Foxworthy is the southern comedian that made a name for himself by making fun of rednecks, much to the delight of, well, rednecks for some reason. Even the packaging lets you know that "If you eat this, you might be a redneck." So basically, you're paying Jeff Foxworthy to insult you (again), placing his product right alongside "Have Another Donut, Fatass" brand donuts.
#9.
Slam City with Scottie Pippen

Celebrity Offender: Scottie Pippen

Slam City is, quite simply, one of the worst basketball games ever made. The point of the game is to beat a bunch of early '90s "urban" caricatures at one-on-one b-ball until you got the chance to face the man himself: Scottie Pippen. This is about as great an honor as playing Super Mario Bros. all the way through, only to find out that the main boss is a regular goombah.

This came out for the doomed Sega CD system back in the day, and like most games for the system used FMV (Full Motion Video) to make a game that both looked great and was utterly unplayable. You would have video footage of real people doing things (playing basketball, in this case), and pushing buttons on your controller would have some vague influence over what they did on the screen.

According to Wikipedia, the biggest claim to fame for this atrocity is the fact that Pippen himself recorded the game's theme song:

We know that a lot of you folks don't watch videos we embed in our articles, but do yourself a favor and watch this one. There's so much awful stuff going on here, it's easy to miss the unintentional hilarity of...
A) Pippen's truly awful rap.
B) The bizarre performance turned in by "Fingers," whose questionable street-baller name is compounded by his decision to look into the camera at the one minute mark and whisper "Fingersssss" like a pedophile channeling Cobra Commander.
C) The fact that Sega expected you to watch this every time you played the game.
D) Pippen's electrifying personality at the end of the clip, which answers any question you might have had about why he didn't become the celebrity pitch man Michael Jordan did.
#8.
Hulk Hogan's PASTAMANIA!

Celebrity Offender: Hulk Hogan

It was Hulk Hogan's very own canned pasta, brother! Available in two different varieties, namely Hulk-U's and Hulkaroo's, Pastamania claimed to be the answer to the immortal question "Whatcha gonna do when hunger runs wild on you?" Realistically, though, since Pastamania products were exactly like SpaghettiO's, the real question at hand would be "Whatcha gonna eat to flush everything out of your colon?"

The Hulkster also opened a short-lived restaurant by the same name inside Minnesota's Mall of America to push the products, but it has since become an Orange Julius. The Hulk Hogan merchandising machine was hardly deterred by this failure, as you'll see...
#7.
Hulk Energy

Celebrity Offender: Hulk Hogan. Again.

That's right, folks. This is Hulk Motherfucking Hogan's own energy drink. Now, while it's not officially made with the Hulkster's blood (that would make it far, FAR too powerful), it is made with such popular energy drink ingredients such as Taurine, tons of B Vitamins, and Horny Goat Weed. No, we're not making that last ingredient up, and yes, it's for exactly what you think.

It basically exists because, in the Mighty One's own words: "My family and I have an incredibly active lifestyle. Between helping launch Brooke's music career and Nick's racing career, plus the demands of being involved in a hit series, if anyone is in need of their own energy drink it's me." That's right, if you take the Hulkster's word for it, and WE ALWAYS DO, we can blame this energy drink for allowing Brooke Hogan's "music" career to continue, giving the Hogan family the energy to keep producing yet another terrible celebrity reality show, and bringing in more money for Hogan's douchebag son Nick Bollea to spend wrecking expensive cars, the likes of which we'll never be allowed to touch.

Thanks, Hulk Energy!
#6.
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Celebrity Offender: Steven Seagal

Yes, Steven Seagal has also jumped into the lucrative energy drink market. Each can has a picture of Seagal, presumably to make you thirsty... FOR BLOOD, and a list of exotic ingredients, such as ginseng, guarana, and Tibetan goji berry, whatever the fuck that is. You know what you won't find on the ingredient list? Shame.
#5.
Joe Perry's Rock Your World Hot Sauce

Celebrity Offender:
Joe Perry of Aerosmith

We're not sure quite when it happened, but apparently it's now cool to have your face on the label of some condiment. Joe Perry of Aerosmith and Dexter Holland of the Offspring have their own hot sauces. What either of these rockers have to do with hot sauce is anyone's guess, but if buying their condiments are like buying tickets to see them, you should expect to pay a scalper at least $250 a bottle, or $275 through Ticketmaster.

Sure, we expect this from athletes, what with their Wheaties and canned beef stew. But shouldn't there be some law that requires rock stars to at least pretend not to be corporate shills until after they retire?
#4.
The Michael Jackson Premium Chocolate Bar

Celebrity Offender: Michael Jackson

Before becoming undoubtedly the creepiest motherfucker on the planet, Michael Jackson used to be famous for making some pretty damn good music and sold approximately 3 gozillion records. During this time period, Michael Jackson could have put his name on nickel-plated poop and sold it for a pretty penny. This was probably the reasoning behind the Michael Jackson premium chocolate bar.

There's an obvious joke in this about how M.J. created the candy bar to lure in children for dubious activities, but we'll take the high road and ignore that elephant in the room. What we WILL say is that the packaging of this candy bar is the definition of creepy. Go ahead, take a look at the giant Michael head coming from behind the highly symbolic rainbow, peering into our very souls with those surgically-altered, accusing eyes.

Also, he's grabbing his crotch right there on the wrapper. We personally refuse to buy food that features crotch grabbing right on the label, and you should too.

NOTE: We'd also like to mention that Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets has his own candy bar, too...

...but he was named after a candy bar in the first place, so it would be stranger if he didn't have his own. If Coolranchdoritos Wilson makes a professional sports team, the dude has a right to cash in.
#3.
Shaq Fu

Celebrity Offender: Shaquille O'Neal

We know what you're thinking: "Another basketball game? There are plenty of bad basketball games out there. Move this article along, you basement-dwelling spastics." But you are wrong. See, Shaq Fu is not a basketball game. In this game, you play as basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal, who's on his way to a charity basketball game in Japan. Unfortunately for Shaq, along the way he "stumbles into another dimension" (come on, tell us this never happened to you), and has to save a young boy from an evil mummy named Nezu.

The only way to save this boy, apparently, is for Shaq to take part in a one-on-one fighting tournament, in which he discovers that he has super kung fu fighting abilities, along with the supernatural ability to throw fireballs.

This game also has the distinction of being cited as the worst game of all time according to many reviewers, as well as being listed in the "Top 10 Worst Licensed Game Ideas (ever)" by Game Informer, thanks to horrible plot, voice acting, gameplay and every other goddamn part of the game.
#2.
Billy Beer

Celebrity Offender: Billy Carter (brother of President Jimmy Carter)

Billy Carter was the brother of President Jimmy Carter. More accurately, though, Billy was Jimmy Carter's fuck-up brother and the shame of the entire Carter family. He was a college drop out, ran a failed candidacy for mayor of a small city you've never heard of, and was accused in 1979 of "peddling influence" as a lobbyist for Libya. So obviously, the next step in such a promising career was to release his very own beer.

According to Wikipedia, at least 2 billion cans were produced in the late '70s, but sales were very poor. So we're not sure what they did with it. The brand will forever be famous for maybe the saddest ad campaign of all time, and a slogan that's laced with the bitter taste of personal tragedy:

#1.
Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill

Celebrity Offender: Socks (the cat) Clinton

For those of you too young to remember, Socks the Cat was President Bill Clinton's cat, which means two things: 1) He is quite possibly the most famous cat in American history due to the ridiculous amount of attention he got, and 2) He has probably walked in on more sex acts than any other animal, living or dead.

For presumably both of these reasons, the video game company Kaneko decided it would be a good idea to make a video game starring the famous feline, wherein Socks takes on enemies like George Bush (Sr. only, sorry) and Richard Nixon for some reason. We have never played the game but we can only assume the cat would win such a fight by tearing out these elderly men's necks in a blur of feline rage. Unfortunately, the company went out of business before Socks' game was ever released.

For some literal celebrity whoring, check out the 10 most unlikely celebrity porn stars or, head to the forum where you can make a retarded photoshop and win cash.

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