The Daily Show News Team, The Best F***ing News Team Ever

You already knew The Daily Show had "the best fucking news team ever," but last night you got expensive in-your-face graphics that told you, and that's really what journalism is about, right? I, for one, love when they do sketch-type stuff like this on The Daily Show. I wish they did more of it. I wish they did like 36 hours of sketches per day. In my kitchen. I also wish marshmallows could read. Why don't any of my wishes ever come true? I should probably read The Secret again.

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‘Song of the Year’ Winner Says Downloading is “Amazing”

One of the big breakthrough acts of the last year has joined the increasing ranks of artists who don’t mind if people share their music. Duffy, the million-selling 24 year-old vocalist and winner of this year’s MOJO Song of the Year Award has been downloading for a couple of years. “It’s amazing,” she said.

If the media is to be believed, some artists spend most of their time going to big parties in hugely expensive designer clothes, drinking expensive champagne, driving around in prestige cars, smashing up hotel rooms - and the rest of the time complaining about piracy. It’s very difficult for the average Joe in the street to feel sorry for them, such is the lifestyle gap, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

In recent times we’ve written about the positive attitudes towards file-sharing shown by some big names in the music business. The Nine Inch Nails are probably the most outspoken but there are others, including 50 Cent and more recently Joss Stone, who called file-sharing “brilliant”. Others, like ‘Travis’ are happy for their fans to share.

Now, in an interview with Shortlist magazine, the million-selling 2008 MOJO Song of the Year Award winner, Duffy, says that she got into downloading a couple of years ago, calling it “amazing”.

One of twins, 24 year-old Duffy has sold over a million copies of her debut album Rockferry, making it the biggest selling album of the year in the UK, netting 180,000 sales in the first week alone. In America, the album sold 72,000 in its first week, entering the Billboard 200 at Number 4. Her track ‘Mercy’ has been viewed over 17.6 million times on YouTube (although I quite like the just-for-fun remix from ‘The Game’)

But if you don’t have the cash for the album, don’t worry - Duffy is pretty forward thinking when it comes to ‘legal’ versus ‘illegal’ downloads: “Somebody asked me the other day what I thought of illegal downloading, and I thought, ‘You know what? I don’t care,’ because I think the majority are kids and as they get old and get more income they’ll probably buy records. It’s just making music a part of everyone’s lives.”

Duffy notes that access to music is all-important but due to where she lived in her childhood, she had no easy access herself, having to take a two-hour bus trip to get to a good record store.

She’s pragmatic when looking at the big picture: “Well, I mean, it can go two ways – there are pros and cons to everything. Some people think it creates illegal access, but I think the big wheel is round, y’know?” I think it’s got more positives because it basically gives people access, what’s the harm in that?”

“It’s just making music a part of everyone’s lives”

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AC/DC to kick off world tour in October

By Mitchell Peters

ANAHEIM, California (Billboard) - AC/DC will embark on an 18-month world tour in October, the hard rock band's first since 2000/2001, their agent said Monday.

Rob Light, managing partner at Creative Artists Agency, made the announcement during a panel at the Intl. Assn. of Assembly Managers' conference and trade show.

Light didn't reveal further details about the trek, which will promote the Anglo-Australian band's upcoming album, a Wal-Mart exclusive. A single is expected to hit radio in August. AC/DC released its last album, "Stiff Upper Lip," in 2000, and launched a yearlong tour of 17 countries.

In addition to AC/DC, other acts touring in the near future include Eric Clapton, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, Depeche Mode, Shakira, Green Day, Kid Rock, Usher, Robin Williams, Mylie Cyrus, Slipknot, John Mayer, Keith Urban, and Tim McGraw, according to Light.

"We have a great idea for KISS to go out and do a big arena tour," Light noted.

Reuters/Billboard

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Confessions of a Sex-Shop Salesgirl

Who knew that selling sex toys would provide such a window to the soul?

By Arianne Cohen

PBNJ Productions/Getty Images

My favorite customer, Marlene, first appeared at 10 a.m. on a Saturday. A youthful, 50-something firecracker in mom jeans, she marched in and scanned the shelves. "I have three sons and a husband. I need a vibrator that is completely silent. Do you hear me? Com-plete-ly si-lent." She looked at me expectantly.

We buzzed around the store, switching 20 vibrators on and off until we found an ugly but quiet plug-in model. She raised her eyebrows. I assured her that aesthetics are not essential to payoff. I revved the motor from behind the storage-closet door. She didn't hear a peep. When I emerged, she hugged me. "Your mother must be so proud of you," she enthused.

Actually, my mother, whose house my paychecks were mailed to, still believes that Grand Opening is a bookstore, not a female-friendly sex-toy shop. I wasn't ashamed; I simply couldn't justify adding the word "dildo" to our pile of mother-daughter detritus.

My stint began when my friend Laure double-dog-dared me to take the job with her. We quickly learned that sex-shop work is the least sexy gig out there. My half-decade as a lifeguard was flirtier, full of sex jokes and wedgies. This was like working in a preschool, providing construction paper and paste.

Here's the way it went down: I'd linger behind the counter while customers shyly wandered in. First they'd pretend to look at books, then lubes, before finally landing near their objets du désir. Inevitably, they'd glance my way, and I'd approach in whatever persona (funny, subdued, earnest) fit the customer. They'd promptly whisper their most personal problems in my ear, then look up at me for a solution. My sole training for this interaction was an incoherent 10-minute speech by the intoxicated owner of the store. I learned the rest under fire. Sex, I quickly gathered — or a lack thereof — is at the center of everyone's identity, and once you've cracked someone's desires, you understand them in full.

Mothers and grandmothers tended to breeze in, announcing exactly what they wanted: Quicker sex. Longer sex. An easy orgasm. It was the younger ones who tended to be uncertain, proof that the confident women of the world haven't quite figured out how to pass that confidence on to their children.

I grew skilled in helping the usual suspects: the woman with a newborn strapped to her chest seeking to avoid giving her husband blow jobs, the dowdy middle-ager who nonchalantly purchased lube by the quart, the graceful 60-year-old with long silver hair who bought the largest dildo I've ever seen ("I do think this will fit the bill").

My role stretched far beyond that of salesgirl. Primarily, I was a therapist. I listened earnestly as customers informed me of their fantasies involving feathers and safety pins, things they'd never told anyone before. Most began with, "Don't laugh, but . . ." My nodding approval had a soothing effect, and they'd tell me more.

Often, I was an anatomy instructor. Men regularly appeared solo, asking for specific toys. Their plans, which I'd gently tease out, were often very bad ideas involving exotic, porn-inspired positions. I would grab a diagram highlighting the clitoris, remind them of the natural range of motion of most women's hip flexors, nudge them toward a more arousing plan for her, and throw in a discounted book on erotic massage.

Ultimately, I became an ad hoc protector of women. Like the time a bearded book editor appeared. After gabbing about the erotic-lit industry, he explained a particularly ludicrous double-penetration scenario he imagined for his wife. He seemed to treat sex as an event strictly for his pleasure, which I found particularly egregious. I was sleep-deprived and blurted out, "Sir, what do your wife's feet look like?" He paused. Then stuttered. He had no idea. I suggested that for the next month, he spend a weekly hour in bed with his wife without using his penis. Two months later, a thank-you note appeared to "the tall saleswoman who taught my husband how to make love."

‘Understand, we were not just selling motorized sticks. We were also teaching women how to never be submissive. A woman with a well-stocked toy drawer isn't dependent on anyone and is unlikely to hurl herself at a lowlife just for nooky. Though I began my job on a lark, it became clear that being a sex-shop salesgirl is, in some way, a curiously feminist calling.

A famous Harvard professor appeared one day, with fedora, seeking videos from our female-friendly collection. (No matter how primly people present themselves, they all spend their days thinking dirty, dirty thoughts. Some bury those thoughts deeper than others.)

I asked what sort of video. "Dear," he said in a clipped British accent, "a plotline won't be necessary." He inquired about what item a man might like to use with his wife of 30 years — then began mapping out a plan that would make Jenna Jameson blush, beginning with a dinner during which his wife would wear an oversize dildo in her rear. I coughed and interrupted, suggesting that perhaps a vibrator might be the sort of gift a wife would love to receive, to be used as she chose. I wrapped it and slid a store card under the ribbon with a note to the wife: Please visit! Then I grinned to myself, knowing it was a gift that would keep on giving.

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Shia LaBeouf may have long recovery from crash

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Shia LaBeouf could have a long road before him as he recovers from the accident that crushed his hand, his lawyer says.

Actor Shia LaBeouf was injured in a car accident in Hollywood, California, Sunday.

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LaBeouf, 22, was injured in a late-night crash last Sunday in West Hollywood that flipped his truck.

The "Indiana Jones" star was cited for drunken driving, but authorities have since said he was not at fault, and that the other driver apparently ran a red light.

Michael Norris, LaBeouf's attorney, said in a statement Friday LaBeouf underwent four hours of surgery. His left arm remains immobilized from the elbow down. See LaBeouf's truck upside down in the street »

"He will need regular medical supervision until his doctors clear him to return to work," Norris said in the statement. "His doctors remain hopeful that he will fully recover, but due to extensive surgery and the nature of the injuries, there remains a substantial risk of both infection and other complications."

Photos posted on entertainment blogs Friday showed LaBeouf wearing jeans, a ballcap and a T-shirt missing one sleeve as he smoked a cigarette outside the Los Angeles hospital where he has been recovering since the surgery. Bandages and a brace cover his left arm, leaving only his pinkie finger exposed.

LaBeouf has been filming the "Transformers" sequel, "Revenge of the Fallen." Director Michael Bay said the injury may be added to the script.

"His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we're figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story," Bay told "Access Hollywood" in an interview that aired Friday.

Bay claimed his leading man was not drunk at the time of the crash and insisted that "that's gonna go away."

"He was drinking hours and hours before," Bay told the syndicated entertainment show.

LaBeouf's passenger in the accident was Isabel Lucas, a 23-year-old Australian actress who appears in the "Transformers" sequel. She was not injured.

Sheriff's officials have said they won't release the other driver's name until the official investigation is completed and a report is issued, which could take weeks.

LaBeouf's attorney said the actor has cooperated with police and that independent investigators "received information that suggests that the other driver may have been traveling upwards of 50 miles per hour, and that said driver may not have been looking forward at the time of the accident."

LaBeouf has more than a dozen film credits, including last summer's blockbuster "Transformers," which grossed more than $700 million worldwide. Steven Spielberg was a producer on the first "Transformers" (and is again for the sequel), and he cast LaBeouf as Harrison Ford's son in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" -- a sought-after role in which LaBeouf evoked the look and attitude of a young Marlon Brando.

LaBeouf can next be seen in the thriller "Eagle Eye," due next month.

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Which Political Figures Are Really Like Paris Hilton?

POSTED BY: TheInDecider

John McCain implicitly compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton in his latest attack ad. But is that really a fair comparison? We thought long and hard about Paris Hilton's...qualities...to see if any of them really match up with Obama's, or those of any other politician. And here's what we came up with:

Statuesque blonde Joe Lieberman	Promiscuous Larry Craig	Relentlessly self-promoting Barack Obama
Attempted acting Fred Thompson	Wears too much makeup Chris Dodd	Attempted singing Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffords
Won the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award for "Best Scream" Howard Dean	Spent time as a prisoner John McCain	Dog wrote a memoir George W. Bush

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