The Reason Why Tila Tequila Is Famous

Do you ever wonder why certain people are famous? Especially when they are four-foot gremlin-faced whores? Well, here’s the story, according to a friend of mine who worked at StuffMagazine.com (the website for the now defunct Stuff Magazine.)

Back in 2005, the editor-in-chief of Stuff magazine wanted to capitalize on the popularity of the Internet. He called down to the online department and said, “Hey, tell me who has a lot of Myspace friends,” because he wanted to put someone on the cover of Stuff who had a “lot of Myspace friends.” The brilliant marketing plan behind this was based on the thinking that if someone on the cover had a million Myspace friends, then all those “friends” would buy that magazine and sales would skyrocket. What it showed, instead, was a complete lack of understanding of how the Internet works. When someone has a million Myspace friends, it just means that he/she spends the majority of his/her day clicking “add as a friend” or “accept.” They aren’t pals who sit around and reminisce about the good times they’ve had.

So, the online guy took 10 seconds (honestly, 10 seconds) and found a girl with an assload of MySpace friends. That, girl, of course, was Tila Tequila, and she appeared on the April 2006 cover of Stuff.

The editor’s big plan failed (the cover sold the same as every other one), but Tila Tequila somehow got famous. A girl whose biggest claim to fame up to that point had been a Playboy cyber girl in 2002 (which is basically the sewage drain of wannabe models) and some other crap you never saw. She even attempted to enter Maxim’s Hometown Hotties in 2005, but was too stupid to mail in the proper forms.

Instead of letting Tila fade off into the world of failed models who end up in hardcore pornography, the Stuff cover put her in the mainstream media. Now we have to hear her singing about sucking cock til she hurls and see her star in yet another reality show. Thanks, Stuff Magazine.

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What I've Learned: George Carlin

I was in my mother's belly as she sat in the waiting room of the abortionist's office. Dr. Sunshine was his code name. I was fifty feet from the drainpipe, and she saw a painting on the wall that reminded her of her mother, who had recently died. She took that as a sign to have the baby. That's what I call luck.

My father drank and was a bully. For the first five years of my brother's life, my father beat him with a leather-heeled slipper. Had I been subjected to that kind of treatment, all bets are off. His absence saved my life.

My mother had great executive-secretarial jobs in the advertising business and raised two boys during the Second World War. She used to say, "I make a man's salary." That's heroism.

I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.

I used to collect the most colorful curses I heard and write them down. I actually carried in my wallet things like "kraut cunt" and "burly loudmouth cocksucker" and "longhair fucking music prick," which was a thing Mikey Flynn yelled at a Juilliard student that he was kicking in the head.

I don't like authority and regulation, and I do my best to disrespect it, but I do that for myself. It's self-expression only.

Sex without love has its place, and it's pretty cool, but when you have it hand in hand with deep commitment and respect and caring, it's nine thousand times better.

If it's morally wrong to kill anyone, then it's morally wrong to kill anyone. Period.

It's amazing to me that literacy isn't considered a right.

I was arrested for possession and cultivation of marijuana in the early '70s, and it was thrown out. The judge asked me how I felt about it, and I said, "I understand the law, and I want you to know I'll pay the fine, but I cannot guarantee I will not break this law again." He really chewed me out for that.

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

The first thing they teach kids is that there's a God -- an invisible man in the sky who is watching what they do and who is displeased with some of it. There's no mystery why they start that with kids, because if you can get someone to believe that, you can add on anything you want.

I would die for the safety of the people I love.

I wish that we could measure how much the potential of the mind to expand has been stunted by television.

Because of my abuse of drugs, I neglected my business affairs and had large arrears with the IRS, and that took me eighteen to twenty years to dig out of. I did it honorably, and I don't begrudge them. I don't hate paying taxes, and I'm not angry at anyone, because I was complicit in it. But I'll tell you what it did for me: It made me a way better comedian. Because I had to stay out on the road and I couldn't pursue that movie career, which would have gone nowhere, and I became a really good comic and a really good writer.

I stopped voting when I stopped taking drugs. I believe both of those acts are closely related to delusional behavior.

There's no morality in business. It doesn't have a conscience. It has only the cash register. They'll sell you crappy things that you don't need, that don't work, that they won't stand behind. It's a glorified legal form of criminal behavior.

If everybody knew the truth about everybody else's thoughts, there would be way more murders.

There's nothing wrong with high taxes on high income.

Lenny Bruce opened all the doors, and people like Richard Pryor and I were able to walk through them.

Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life.

I think that the assassinations of the Kennedys and Martin Luther King showed that all of the wishing and hoping and holding hands and humming and signing petitions and licking envelopes is a bit futile.

Blacks are deliberately kept down. Poor communities are deliberately underfunded.

I don't think people should get credit for being honest and brave. I think there's a lot of genetic shit going on there.

Someday they'll find a gene for putting on your overcoat.

There's a pulse in New York, even on the quietest street, on the quietest day. It's full of potential.

If there's ever a golden age of mankind, it will not include men over two hundred pounds beating children who are less than one hundred pounds, and it will not include the deliberate killing of people in a formal setting.

I did something in a previous life that must have been spectacularly good, because I'm getting paid in this life just magnificently, more than one would dare imagine or hope for.

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George Carlin's Loved Ones Speak Out

Copyright 2008 Neilson Barnard / Getty Images

A sad loss ...

ET breaks the news that comedian George Carlin has died from heart failure. The man who made famous the "seven words you can never say on television" passed away at 5:55 p.m. Sunday at Saint John's Hospital in Santa Monica, his longtime publicist said. He was 71.

Monday morning, his daughter Kelly Carlin McCall had the following to say about her dad: "Most people know George Carlin as an icon of comedy and an advocate of free speech. I just know him as Dad ... And what a dad he was. He taught me the value of speaking the truth in a world that doesn't always want to hear it and gave me the gift of laughter. He was loved and revered by so many and will be missed beyond words -- but never forgotten. Our family wishes to thank everyone who has sent love and support our way. Your kind words and thoughts are bringing much comfort to us during such a difficult time."

His wife, Sally Wade, also spoke out about the loss of her "soul mate." "George Carlin was and always will be the greatest love of my life. We had meeting of the minds, heart and spirit. It was a big love. He was my soul mate and always will be. Tomorrow is our tenth anniversary, and it was the best ten years of my life. It's quite a shock right now, but I wish to express my sincere thanks and prayers to all who have reached out during this very difficult time. It is deeply appreciated."

Carlin, who has had several heart attacks and a history of cardiac issues, went into the hospital Sunday afternoon after complaining of heart problems.

HBO, which submitted the funny man's last special, "It's Bad for Ya" for Emmy consideration this year, issued the following statement: "Because HBO has had such a long and close relationship with George Carlin, his passing is like losing one of our own. George had been a part of HBO almost since its beginning, performing his first concert for us in 1977, and his 14th special just earlier this year. No performer was more important to helping our network define itself in its early years. And no performer was more committed to the ideal of freedom of speech, a principle he embodied for the 50 years he performed with his trademark wit. We will miss his humor and his righteous comic anger, and we will simply miss him."

Carlin has more than 20 comedy albums, 14 HBO specials, numerous TV and movie roles, and three best-selling books to his credit. Last year, he celebrated his 50th year in show business.

He is survived by his wife, Sally Wade; daughter, Kelly Carlin McCall; and older brother, Patrick Carlin.

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