A transvestite who’s married to a pornographer may be an odd inspiration for one of the summer’s biggest kids movies, but you just have to scratch the surface a little bit more to find out what’s right under your nose.
Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids films have always been “a scrappily innovative series,” says the director. The premise alone made the first film a hit. The second was the first time Rodriguez gave up film to shoot in digital. The third helped to usher in the current bonanza of 3D movies. So when it came time for the next instalment, Rodriguez knew he had to kick it up a notch.
“When it came time to do Spy Kids 4, I thought, we can’t just go do 3D again. We have to keep with the [innovative nature of] the series. Like Nigel Tufnel would say in Spinal Tap, ‘One louder! We have to do one more thing and go to 11!”
And that’s when the pornographer and the transvestite entered the picture. Well, more like they wafted into Rodriguez’s mind. Thinking of ways to maintain the series’ tradition of innovation, Rodriguez says he remembered the 1981 John Waters film Polyester, about a transvestite who is married to a pornographer, yes, but more importantly a film in which the audience was able to experience various smells from the movie – including roses, flatulence, skunk, gasoline and dirty shoes – thanks to scratch ’n’ sniff cards.
Waters called the technology that accompanied his movie Odorama. Rodriguez has dubbed his Aroma-Scope.
“The idea itself was really fun and easy to do. I wanted to do something in 4D where again the audience got something for free … and it would just be an added value to the movie and an added experience,” Rodriguez says.
While Aroma-Scope is being put front and centre in the film’s marketing, even Rodriguez says it’s not something that’s likely to become a trend at the movies. Judging by the long history of failed attempts to make smells an added dimension at the movies, there’s a very good chance he’s correct. But there’s no doubt that olfactory gimmicks such as this one fit well within children’s movies, and with films reaching the limit of what’s visually possible, some believe there’s a chance smell-o-vision could become film’s next frontier – if only we could get the technology right.
“It’s a fun one-off. We’re not going to convert all of our movies and all of our cinema experience to having a smelling component any time soon,” says John Fithian, president of the U.S.-based National Association of Theatre Owners.
Rodriguez himself doesn’t expect smells to be swirling through many movies. “I think this is very particular,” he says.
But plenty of films have tried, and failed, to give a pungent push to that other dimension.
“This idea has been around since practically the inception of movies,” says Patrick Kiger, co-author of Oops: 20 Life Lessons from the Fiascoes that Shaped America. In 1906, for instance, a theatre in Pennsylvania dipped cotton wool in rose oil and put it in front of an electric fan during a newsreel about the Rose Bowl.
Waters’s film was a sly parody of Scent of Mystery, a film that introduced an invention billed as “Glorious Smell-O-Vision” in 1960. “First they moved (1895)! Then they talked (1927). Now they smell!” proclaimed ads for the movie. Various smells were pumped into the theatre during the movie: freshly baked bread, a salty ocean breeze, pipe tobacco.
Problem was, the movie wasn’t all that good, and the odours often reached viewers well after the action on screen, and was accompanied by a hissing sound.
“It’s an old idea, but it’s been difficult to find a way to do it effectively over the years,” Kiger says.
Other movies have tried, however. In 2003, the makers of Rugrats Go Wild claimed the scratch ’n’ sniff cards viewers inhaled during the movie were an homage to Waters. In 2005, Japanese theatres presented the Colin Farrell flick The New World with smell. The scents were emitted from under the audience’s seats, with a floral smell accompanying love scenes and a mixture of rosemary and peppermint hitting one’s nose during the film’s tear-jerker moments.
Aroma-Scope will see audiences given a card that has eight smells. When a number flashes on screen, you rub the corresponding number on the card and take a whiff, explains Rodriguez. “There’s some really great smells, really rich smells. And then there’s some surprising smells,” he says. “We have a spy baby and a spy dog, so you can imagine that the smells get pretty out there.”
While it’s not likely to be part of more mature movies any time soon, it’s ideal for children, especially a generation that has grown up expecting interactivity.
“This kind of helps bridge that gap I think between watching a movie and being part of it,” Rodriguez says. “Kids identify so much with these kids on screen. Anything that makes them feel more like a part of the action, more like they’re doing the same thing as the kids on screen, it really helps create that bond even stronger.”
With film pushing the limits of what’s visually possible, scent may be the next frontier, Kiger says.
“We’ve reached the point I think where there’s so much overkill with visual imagery that it’s impossible to wow people any more,” he says. “Once people reach a threshold where you can’t do anything more visual that’s going to amaze them, maybe you’re going to need all these other things.”
Rodriguez jokes that he could do a Machete movie in Aroma-Scope. And though for the moment it’s simply a neat way of making a kid’s movie a little more enjoyable, he doesn’t rule out the possibility filmmakers may be going after our noses down the road.
“This is something just really fun. It’s in the arsenal now, though.”
We really hope the war ends soon. For one, we want our troops home and safe, as soon as possible. But, as an on-the-side benefit, we'd really like to put an end to those damn war movies that keep coming out. From dramas like Lions For Lambs and The Hurt Locker, to gritty documentaries like Restrepo and No End In Sight, to savagely critical works like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Starship Troopers, it seems like more and more sandy and depressing war movies are taking over our cine-
What?
Yes, Starship Troopers. The campy anti-war satire about a race from a distant, desert land, who out of nowhere strikes a civilian target in a way we didn't think was possible, leading to heavy-handed patriotic propaganda, and a headlong rush into a war with a poorly thought-out strategy that results in a quagmire. You don't have to agree with the message to get that it's clearly a satirical send-up of the War on Terror. If anything, it's too on-the-nose.
What's that, you say? The movie was made in 1997, four years before 9/11? Hmmm. That is a problem. We mean, we're not saying Paul Verhoeven traveled forward in time and then traveled back to film a commentary on a future war (because that would be an absolutely HORRIBLE waste of time travel), but... well, yeah, maybe we're saying he did that. Look how they line up:
#6.
The Attack
In The Film:
The movie follows Johnny Rico, a dumb jock from a weirdly Aryan-looking Buenos Aires of the future, as he signs up for the Mobile Infantry to protect the human race from the Arachnids, hive-minded, insectoid aliens. The war Johnny is training for is purely theoretical for the first 50 minutes of the film and then, suddenly, war is declared. What's the trigger? An asteroid strike on Johnny's home city of Bueno Aires, which destroys the city and kills over eight and a half million people. This, for the humans, is an absolute shock to the system, a blow made all the more devastating by the fact that the Arachnids don't have a colony within fifty thousand light years of Earth.
In space terms, that's this much.
That they shot an asteroid from halfway across the galaxy and managed to hit, not only another planet, but the planet they actually aimed at, is not just impressive, its goddamned miraculous. Especially considering that the Arachnids don't seem to have much knowledge of math and interstellar travel -- their species spreads to other planets by shooting their spores into space and hoping for the best. In fact it's so amazing that it's either a plot hole or a surprisingly subtle plot point- there's a theory among Starship Troopers fans that the attack was either a random collision that the government used as an excuse for war, or a deliberate attack by the government on its own people to justify attacking the bugs.
Either way, humanity promptly loses its shit and declares war on all bugs everywhere.
"Well this seems easy enough."
In Real Life:
You can see right away how the plot mimics real events. Before 9/11, the threat of Islamic terror was lingering out there, but wasn't immediate -- just like the bugs in the movie. Then there's an attack on a civilian target that comes as just as much a shock to the system, as it demonstrated a capability no one thought the terrorists had. The US promptly lost its shit and declared war on the very notion of terrorism, entering into an armed conflict against an abstract concept like only America can.
"And after we beat Terrorism, we're gonna beat Drugs! Then we're going to take on Sadness!"
There are some crucial differences between the movie and real life. For one thing, plus, in war time here on Real Earth, Denise Richards is probably the last person we'd call for support, (assuming the war was not being fought by boners).
"We need at least six more boners to the frontline. Richards, get out there!"
Also, 9/11 was obviously not some random coincidence or inside job. Sure, in a shitty movie, fans will wildly speculate all the time and talk about how the government attacked Buenos Aires on purpose and blamed the bugs, but no one in real life would look at 9/11 and whip up a bunch of crazy, nonsensical, conspiracy theories about "what really happened, right?
The humans quickly mobilize to destroy the Arachnids, sending their space fleet to the Arachnid homeworld of Klendathu. They recklessly charge in, with little thought given to tactics or battle plans. And so what? The enemy is bugs. Who needs tactics?
"I need a really big magnifying glass, stat!"
Well, the bugs have other ideas. Turns out there is one breed of Arachnid that can unload a huge, steaming pile of blue plasma right on into space. Though they don't have sophisticated aiming capabilities, just squirting plasma upwards makes short work of a few human spaceships, while the Arachnid foot soldiers for the Mobile Infantry to retreat in panic from an enemy who was better prepared, better armed and in greater numbers than they expected.
"The giant, armored bugs are defending themselves somehow!"
But this movie is crazy, it was directed by the guy who directed Showgirls. No real military would be as misinformed and unprepared as the military in a move about fighting massive, shrieking bug-monsters, right?
In Real Life:
Operation Anaconda was the first major engagement of the War On Terror. The idea was to attack a force of around 200 Al Qaeda soldiers in the Shahi-Kot Valley from the west, causing them to flee into the waiting arms of more US soldiers in the east, in what's known as a "Hammer and Anvil" strategy.
Just one problem: Al Qaeda did not flee, but stood their ground.
Just one other problem: There were not 200 enemy soldiers in the valley; there were up to five times that amount.
Just one further other problem: the US military planners had assumed the enemy were armed with machine guns; they actually had mortars, rifles and rockets, and the planners assumed that Al Qaeda were in the valley, (they were in caves in the mountains surrounding the valley), and a convoy broke off from the main "TF Hammer" force to reach an observation point they'd been assigned to. And an AC-130, which was supposed to be providing firing and recon support during the battle thought they were an Al Qaeda convoy and attacked them. This friendly fire battle resulted in the first casualty of the operation.
The rest of TF Hammer came under heavy mortar fire from the prepared and entrenched Al Qaeda, and their air support turned out to consist of six bombs, and their attack didn't actually make it into the valley, meaning that TF Anvil, arriving via helicopter, did not close the trap as had been intended, but instead found a trap closing around them, as they were attacked by an enemy who was better prepared, better armed, in greater numbers, and from a better-fortified position than they expected.
No word on whether they had massive pincers and exoskeletons.
#4.
Shock and Awe
In The Film:
After being unpleasantly surprised by the Arachnids' willingness to fight back and defend their home, the human military in Starship Troopers come up with a new battle plan: "Fleet glasses the planet, MI mops up." Basically, rather than wading in and fighting whatever they find, they first bombard the planet with explosives, making it easier for the Mobile Infantry to take out the survivors. We see one of these aerial bombardments in action, not on the planet they invaded originally, but on a completely different planet called Tango Urilla. The jet fighters fly overhead and drop bombs, the bugs scream in terror and try to run away, but get blown to pieces in their thousands.
Space travel has obviously not yet equipped them with super-nukes.
Johnny and his squad then walk in and successfully wipe out the remnants, before being sent off to yet another planet called Planet P, where the rest of the film takes place.
In both cases, that's a disastrous first engagement as a result of underestimating the enemy, and an attempt to compensate next time around with heavy aerial bombardment.
Also? Here are those planets the military attacked in Troopers...
Now, here's where we have to make something completely clear: the whole point of Starship Troopers is that the humans may not be the good guys. Earth's government has clearly been taken over by Fascism, and the propaganda is clearly meant to be a satirical mockery of wartime culture in the same way that Verhoven's Robocop was meant to be a mockery of the greed and violence of the Reagan 80s. When we say that Verhoven accidentally made a War on Terror parody with Starship Troopers, we're not saying that that post-9/11 America was just as bad as the Nazi uniform-wearing protagonists of that movie. It'd be like saying the Reagan administration literally turned us all into murderous psychopaths and cyborgs.
So in the film, events are broken up by propaganda newsreels which give an insight into the human society depicted in Starship Troopers, and which drop several heavy hints that these aren't actually the good guys that we're rooting for here. One of these hints comes in the form of casual prisoner abuse. Check it out at 0:50:
Yeah, that's Doogie Howser showing you how to wound and properly kill an Arachnid soldier. An enemy combatant that they have captured, and keep in a cage, and mutilate and execute live on camera. Then, look at what they do to this brain bug they catch at the end:
"After tireless research, our top scientists have discovered that the bugs hate this."
That thing outwitted the humans earlier in the movie, it's capable of planning and reasoning...
It even has a face! That or it walks everywhere backwards.
And there they are, shoving huge sharp things into its mouth(?) and broadcasting the footage with evident glee. It's only shown briefly, but these scenes of bug torture are there to tweak the audience. We're supposed to feel a twinge there -- even though this is the enemy, the good guys are still torturing their captives, without a second thought.
In Real Life:
Remember the Abu Ghraib scandal? Sure you do: that was when those photos surfaced of American soldiers torturing Iraqi prisoners pretty horribly. It was a dark time for us, and the photos are pretty grim, so rather than show them here, we will instead show you these spoofs from the sitcom Arrested Development:
Of course, unlike the folks in Starship Troopers, we, the public, were horrified by this, (because we're real people, and have never been and will never be directed by Paul Verhoeven to do anything).
This is where our assertion that Paul Verhoven is a time traveler starts to look pretty good. If you were doing a movie about war in general, or doing a satire of any previous war, why would you include a bit about how the supposed Good Guys treat their prisoners at all? There's so much more prominent stuff you can cover. But if you're satirizing the War on Terror? You'd need to bring up the prisoner thing at some point. Which is weird because, again, we're talking about a movie that came out four years before the War on Terror and one which was directed by the guy who made Showgirls.
By the way, it's a minor point, but as we said, the whole latter part of Starship Troopers revolves around the humans trying to locate and capture the elusive brain bug. It became a major objective for the whole war effort. And they eventually do find it, hiding in a cave. A hole, you might say. With a bunch of critters that look like spiders. A... spider hole?
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#2.
The Propaganda
In The Film:
The universe of Starship Troopers is saturated with propaganda, mainly dispensed by the newsreels, of which there are six in the movie, (here, here, here, here, here, and here). All of Verhoeven's most insultingly heavy-handed satire happens in these newsreels. They're all aggressively patriotic, so patriotic that it almost borders on strongly encouraged racism.
"The only good bug is a dead bug!"- Actual line from movie.
In Real Life:
Of course, we don't have a Fascist government, and if the American government did release cheerleading newsreels, people would just point and laugh. No, in the real world, effective propaganda has to come from someplace other than the government.
Sure, we could point out the Fox News cheerleading of the war effort, and the anchors saying the US military was simply trying to "spread love" to the Middle East:
But that's not as openly goofy and stupid as the propaganda in Starship Troopers. No, to find that, we have to go to the world of country music. Or, to quote Charlie Daniels, "This ain't no rag, it's a flag, and we don't wear it on our heads." Enjoy:
Or, we could go with the even less subtle Tobey Keith tune, "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue." Sample lyrics:
And the eagle will fly and it's gonna be hell, When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell. And it'll feel like the whole wide world is raining down on you. Ah, brought to you, courtesy of the red, white and blue. Oh, justice will be served and the battle will rage: This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage. An' you'll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A. 'Cos we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way.
Now compare those videos to the newsreels from Starship Troopers. Holy shit, they make the fictional propaganda look even-handed and intelligent.
"My only regret is that I could not fit more flags on my stage."
#1.
The End
In The Film:
The film does not end with the end of the war. It doesn't end with a peace treaty, or the bugs surrendering.
No, the film ends with Neil Patrick Harris explaining to the main character that, now that they have a brain bug, they'll soon be able to understand how the Arachnids think, and confidently predicting that this is the turning point of the war. This is followed by a final recruitment ad that ends the movie.
But not before that guard from The Shawshank Redemption saves the day.
They may say they're winning, but the final message is the government desperately begging for soldiers, with key phrases like "we need soldiers!" and the slightly desperate-sounding reminder that "Service guarantees citizenship!"
In other words, the truth is that either the humans are fighting a losing battle against the Arachnids, or they're stuck in an unpleasant stalemate: the humans too technologically advanced to be beaten back, the Arachnids too entrenched and determined to give up. The optimism of the main characters at the end of the movie amounts to nothing more than a premature, presumptuous, and ultimately false declaration of victory.
Seriously now, is it just us? The events of the movie match up beat for beat, exactly the way an anti-war satirist would draw it up. But even weirder, we can't find another war that matches up as well (that is, one a non-time traveling Paul Verhoven could have had in mind). Vietnam? That war didn't kick off with a sudden attack on a civilian target. World War II? That didn't turn into an unexpected quagmire. Neither did the first gulf war (ie Operation Desert Storm). Nothing else matches up.
See, that's the thing about Starship Troopers -- to this day, lots of people don't realize it's a satire. They think it's just a really shitty action movie that does a bad job of building sympathy for the protagonists. The reason so many people don't get the satire is because at the time it wasn't clear what war it was satirizing ("A quagmire in the desert, triggered by an attack on the homeland? Shit, when has that happened?") and that's because the war it was satirizing hadn't happened yet.
It’s been debated heavily what exactly Seinfeld is really all about. Most come to the conclusion that it’s really about nothing. I have have my own opinion. I think it’s all about food. Think about it, there is food in every single episode and in a lot of cases it plays an integral part.
You really don’t have to look any further than Jerry’s cereal stash to know that they are in love with food. They dine at Monk’s seemingly for most meals and they are constantly snacking in Jerry’s apartment. The cast does such a good job at this. Normally, due to continuity, eating on camera is avoided. That’s one of things I think made Seinfeld so great and believable.
There are literally hundreds of funny food related moments throughout the series. Here I will present to you the top 15 full episodes where food played a large role. Next week we will look at:
Kramer’s Top 20 Seinfeld Food Related Moments
Jerry’s Top 20 Seinfeld Food Related Moments
George’s Top 20 Seinfeld Food Related Moments
If you don’t see you favorite yet just wait. I will list the top food related moments that didn’t necessarily have a play in the plot (like Kramer and Newman making sausage, George eating while having sex or Jerry refusing to eat from his girlfriend’s “man hands”).
To further stake my claim that it’s all based around food, I submit the initial meeting of Kramer and Jerry. Enjoy!
15. The Big Salad
Season 6
Episode 2
September 29, 1994
George and his girlfriend, Julie, ask Jerry and Elaine to go to Monk’s with them. Jerry declines saying he’s already eaten a “big bowl of Kix”. Elaine asks George to bring her back a “big salad”. George goes on a short rant about what exactly a “big salad” is. George buys Elaine the salad but Julie inadvertently gets credit for it when she brings it back to Elaine. George goes berserk over the fact that Elaine thinks Julie paid for the salad and that he doesn’t get credit for it.
Memorable quote: “Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.” – Jerry when George asks what’s in the “big salad”
14. The Gum
Season 7
Episode 10
December 14, 1995
Llyod Braun runs into George, Kramer and Jerry at Monk’s. Llyod has a pack of Chinese chewing gum which Kramer makes everyone have a piece of. George tells him that he doesn’t chew gum. They go to the movies. Elaine doesn’t want to sit next to Llyod so says she must sit next to Jerry because of her (and his) poor eyesight.
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George, in attempting to look inside the register at Monk’s (to determine if he was short-changed), buys a pack of gum. Llyod sees this and is surprised.
Lloyd asks Jerry if he would like him to pick up some gum since he knows where to get it. Jerry doesn’t really want it but lets him. Jerry must now wear glasses around Lloyd (because of Elaine’s lie) and he has trouble seeing. Jerry mistakenly gives him $100 bill and in return gets that much worth of gum.
Memorable quote: “Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum.” – Kramer
13. The Cafe
Season 3
Episode 7
November 6, 1991
A new restaurant, The Dream Cafe, opens across the street from Jerry’s apartment and he becomes interested in it’s success (or lack thereof) and why no one is dining there. He looks down from his apartment window with binoculars at it. He befriends the owner, Babu, and offers his suggestions on how to improve business. He tells him to make his authentic Pakistani dishes as the menu was a hodge podge of items before. This turns out to not work and Babu gets extremely angry with Jerry. The restaurant continues to fail.
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Meanwhile George gets Elaine to cheat on his IQ test for him, which she takes over to The Dream Cafe to do. She has a hard time concentrating there and fails the test. George talks her into doing it again, which she does but this time at Jerry’s apartment. She never gets the test back to George though.
Memorable quote: “Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!” – Babu yelling at Jerry.
12. The Butter Shave
Season 9
Episode 1
September 25, 1997
George, Jerry and Kramer decide to grow mustaches over the summer because they’re bored. Jerry and George decide it was a bad idea and shave them off but don’t tell Kramer. Kramer sees them without their mustaches and gets that they’re no longer growing them. He quickly shaves his as well. Kramer is not getting a good shave with regular shaving cream and tries butter and finds it to be far superior. He notices that the butter makes his skin feel so good that he begins to spread butter over his whole body. While tanning Kramer falls asleep and due to the butter starts to cook.
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Newman in the meantime is reading the cannibalism-themed story Alive and smelling Kramer cooking finds it appealing. He envisions Kramer’s head on a roasting turkey. Kramer accidentally get’s oregano and Parmesan cheese dumped on him and it drives Newman berserk. He chases after and bites Kramer.
Memorable quote: “I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?” – Kramer when asked about taking Jerry’s butter.
11. The Pie
Season 5
Episode 15
February 17, 1994
Jerry gets upset because his girlfriend Audrey won’t try a bite of his pie. Jerry becomes obsessed with this. They go to eat at Poppie’s, her father’s restaurant. Jerry goes to the bathroom and runs into Poppie there. He notices that he doesn’t watch his hands. Jerry then refuses a slice of Audrey’s pizza because he saw her dad not wash after using the restroom.
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Jerry meets Audrey at Poppie’s later to talk. While there, the health inspector comes and arrests Poppie for unsanitary conditions.
Also George gets taken to dinner my a prospective employer. George will not eat his dessert because he fears the chef (whom George “stole” a suit from) is going to taint it. George acts like Audrey did refusing Jerry’s pie. George does not get the job because of this but does not become ill as the other diners did.
Jerry never found out why Audrey refused the pie in the first place.
Memorable quote: “Poppie’s a little sloppy.” – Jerry
10. The Chicken Roaster
Season 8
Episode 8
November 14, 1996
A Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken restaurant opens across the street from Jerry and Kramer’s apartment. They have a large red neon sign to advertise and it keeps Kramer up at night. Kramer gets upset and boycotts the restaurant. Kramer can’t take it any more and gets Jerry to switch apartments with him. Newman comes over to Kramer’s (Jerry’s) with chicken from Kenny Rogers. Kramer tries it and soon becomes addicted to it but he tries to hide the fact from Jerry.
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Jerry runs into Newman at Kenny Roasters and notices that he bought broccoli as well. He deduces that the food cannot be solely for him as he would never eat broccoli. Jerry finds out that Kramer is addicted to Kenny Rogers.
Earlier Jerry had asked an old buddy to have lunch with him, which he skipped a business meeting for, and got fired. He then got a job as the assistant manager at Kenny Rogers. Jerry effectively gets the restaurant closed down when he shakes George’s wet hat and get all the food covered in rat fur.
Memorable quote: “Hold it, Newman, you wouldn’t eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.” – Jerry
9. The Muffin Tops
Season 8
Episode 21
May 8, 1997
Elaine while at a party eats only the top of a muffin. Her former boss Mr. Lippman, sees this and decides to open a business selling only the tops, Top Of The Muffin To You! When business isn’t going as planned he asks Elaine for help and advice. She tells him that he’s doing it wrong by just baking the tops. She informs him that he must bake the entire muffin and “pop the top” from the stump.
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Elaine and Mr. Lippman try to discard the stumps by giving them to the homeless but even they don’t want them. Nobody will take the stumps and they are left with piles and bags full of them. Elaine tries to get Kramer to take her stumps to the dump but even the dumps won’t take them. Elaine ends up getting Newman as a “cleaner” to get rid of the muffin stumps by eating them all. It ends with Newman bringing in a cooler with 4 bottles of milk and saying that he’s got a lot of work to do.
Memorable quote: “I know what you thought. They don’t have homes, they don’t have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They’re lucky to get the stumps.” – Homeless Shelter Employee
8. The Calzone
Season 7
Episode 20
April 25, 1996
While in a meeting George is eating an eggplant calzone. Mr. Steinbrenner asks him what is is and asks for a bit, which he turns out to love the taste of. He orders George to go get him one. Soon they are eating calzones every day for lunch together. George leaves a tip for the guy at the calzone shop but he does not see George put the money in the jar so George goes to fish out the money in order to re-tip him (and get recognition for his tip) but the guy catches George and thinks he’s stealing from the jar. He bans George from the restaurant.
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Mr. Steinbrenner continues to want calzones but George can no longer get them. He has to recruit Newman to order them for him and bring them to him during his mail route. Newman decides not to go to work because it is raining and George has to get Kramer to pick up the calzones. While there Kramer has them heat his shirt in the oven because he has become accustomed to warm clothing from the dryer. Kramer tries to pay for the calzones with pennies and the owner kicks him out.
Kramer goes to George’s office and places his shirt by a vent. The smell from it wafts into Mr. Steinbrenner’s office and runs into George’s office thinking that he has calzones. George tries to pass off another restuarant’s calzone as the original but Mr. Steinbrenner doesn’t fall for it. George then gets the idea to put the Yankee’s player clothes in a pizza oven after Mr. Steinbrenner was found rummaging through his office and realized the smell was from the clothes.
Memorable quote: “From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There’s nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table.” – George Steinbrenner
7. The Strike
Season 9
Episode 10
December 18, 1997
George, Elaine and Jerry go to a Hanukkah party at Tim Whatley’s where Elaine meets a man and gives him a fake phone number. Elaine realizes that she wrote the number down on the back of her “Submarine Captain” card that she was using to get a free sub sandwich and captain’s hat at a local sandwich shop.
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Kramer hears that the 12-year strike at H&H Bagels is over (where he used to work) because minimum wage is now higher than what they were demanding. Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
Elaine wants to get the sandwich card back and goes to where the fake phone number calls, a betting parlor. She gives them the number of H&H if the man calls for her. She waits at the bagel shop for him to call but because of the steam inside she starts to get ugly.
Meanwhile Jerry’s notices that his girlfriend’s appearance changes drastically day to day and in different locales. He wants to only sit in the back booth at Monk’s because she looks good in that setting. Kramer thinks that Jerry is cheating on her because of the variances in appearance.
In the end they all gather for a Festivus Dinner at the Costanza’s (Frank’s made-up Holiday) in order for George to prove that he didn’t get to have Christmas.
Memorable quote: “H&H wouldn’t let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp in our solidarity.” – Kramer
6. The Chinese Restaurant
Season 2
Episode 11
May 23, 1991
Jerry, Elaine and George decide to stop in for a meal at a Chinese restaurant before going to see a showing of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Jerry had previously lied to his uncle about not being able to go to dinner with him in order to see the movie.
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The maître d’ continuously tells them that their table will be “5, 10 minutes”. While waiting for their table Jerry dares Elaine to eat an eggroll from a random diner’s plate offering her $50 to do so. Elaine tries to conspicuously offer them $25 if they let her do it but they don’t understand what she’s getting at.
A woman runs into Jerry in the lobby who turns out is his uncle’s receptionist. Jerry ends up going to dinner with his uncle because he realizes he’ll get caught. George and Elaine decide to leave too. The maître d’ calls their party for their table as they walk out the door.
Memorable quote: “For 50 bucks? I’d put my face in the soup and blow.” – George
5. The Soup
Season 6
Episode 7
November 10, 1994
Bania, having bulked up, no longer fits into his Armani suit and offers it to Jerry. It fits Jerry and he somewhat reluctantly takes it. Bania says he can just take him out for dinner as payment for the suit.
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Kramer, after having kidney stones, decides to get rid of his refrigerator and only eat fresh foods. Kramer takes food from Jerry’s for his girlfriend Hildy who is a waitress at Reggie’s.
Bania and Jerry go out to dinner at Mendy’s but Bania only orders a soup because he had already eaten earlier. Bania says it doesn’t count as a meal because it’s only soup and insists that Jerry take him out again. Jerry gets extremely frustrated with him. Jerry and Bania go out again and he gets a soup and a sandwich but because it’s not “a fancy restaurant” he claims it’s still not a meal. Jerry ends up giving the suit to Elaine’s boyfriend.
George doesn’t want to eat at Monk’s (he doesn’t want to see one of the waitresses) so they go to Reggie’s but they don’t have an omelet or big salad that Jerry and Elaine want.
Jerry runs out of food because Kramer keeps taking it for Hildy (who is upset because Kramer got her fired for calling at work too much).
After Jerry and Bania continue to argue about the suit and the meal, Bania demands the suit back but Jerry tells him that he gave it away. Bania runs after Elaine’s boyfriend to get the suit. Jerry and Elaine celebrate at Monk’s with an omelet and a big salad while George eats alone at Reggie’s.
Memorable quote: “No, I’m sorry Bania … I’m not going over this again. Well who told you to order soup? … No! There’s no dinner. There’s not going to be any dinner. You’ve had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that’s it. Good-bye.” – Jerry on the phone with Bania.
4. The Mango
Season 5
Episode 1
September 16, 1993
Kramer gets a bad peach from Joe’s Fruit Shop and attempts to return it. Joe bans Kramer from the shop and Kramer freaks out about not being able to get fruit. He talks Jerry into doing his shopping for him and requests specifics like plantains, mangoes and plums that are “red inside”. Joe notices that Jerry’s selection is unusual and realizes that it’s actually for Kramer. He then bans Jerry from the shop as well.
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Kramer then gets George to do the fruit shopping (which Jerry pays for because Kramer only had “hundreds”) and he is able to procure it. George, who had been having sexual performance issues, eats one of the mangoes and notices some “vibrant” effect from it.
In the midst of all of this Jerry is attempting to get Elaine to sleep with him once more because he found out she had been faking orgasms when they were dating (and to “save the friendship”). Eventually she breaks down and allows it but she is still unable to orgasm. Elaine is hungry and asks Jerry if he still has any mangoes. Jerry realizes the potential power of the fruit but the episode ends there.
Memorable quote: “They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry… I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” – Kramer
3. The Non-Fat Yogurt
Season 5
Episode 7
November 4, 1993
Kramer invests in a non-fat frozen yogurt shop that is becoming increasingly popular. It is frequented by Jerry, Elaine, George and Newman, amongst others.
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Kramer comments that Jerry and Elaine have gained weight and they become suspicious that its due to all the frozen yogurt they’ve been eating and believe the non-fat moniker to be a lie. They pay to have it tested in a lab to find out the truth.
Kramer seduces one of the lab techs and tries to get her to falsify the results and in the process contaminates, soon to be mayor, Giuliani’s blood sample causing it to be misdiagnosed with high cholesterol. The lab results turn out to reveal that the yogurt does in fact have fat in it. Giuliani vows to eliminate false advertising because he believes his high cholesterol is due to the yogurt. Business plummets and it soon closes. Newman gets extremely mad at this.
Memorable quote: “You don’t eat Oreos? The way you break ‘em open and…. It’s like you’re having sex with ‘em.” – Kramer to Elaine
2. The Rye
Season 7
Episode 11
January, 1996
George takes his parents to have dinner at Susan’s parent’s house. On the way Frank Costanza insists that they stop and get a Marble Rye from Schnitzer’s Bakery to bring to dinner. After dinner Frank realizes that Susan’s parents never brought the rye to the table and steals it back. Susan’s parents notice that the rye is missing. Frank is also upset that they did not serve dessert.
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George then puts together a scheme to have Kramer distract Susan’s parents with a ride around central park in a horse-drawn carriage for their anniversary and in the meantime he’ll sneak another rye back into their home. George recruits Jerry to purchase another rye from the bakery but they sell the last one to an old lady. Jerry offers her $50 which she refuses. Jerry continues to follow her and eventually steals the rye from her and runs.
Kramer had been feeding the horse cans of Beef-A-Reeno because he had large quantities of it after shopping at a wholesale food store. This caused the horse to release horrible gas and Susan’s parents demand Kramer take them back immediately. This foils Georges plan and he resorts to another plan of fishing it from Jerry from the third story window, which he is caught in the midst of by Susan and her parents.
Memorable quote: “Your father’s absolutely right. We’re sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake!” – Estelle Costanza
1. The Soup Nazi
Season 7
Episode 6
November 2, 1995
Probably one of the most popular episodes of Seinfeld in general. Kramer tells Jerry, George and Elaine about a restaurant with the most incredible soup that is run by the “Soup Nazi”. So called because of his stringent ordering polices and his intolerance of fumbling customers. Part of what makes this so great is that it’s based on an actual person (as Larry David often does).
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During the episode George gets denied soup because he wanted bread as the customers in front of him received some, Elaine gets banned for a year because she says the Soup Nazi looks like Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman, Jerry tells Bania to go back to his spot in line because he doesn’t want to anger the Soup Nazi and Jerry picks soup over his girlfriend because she kissed him in line.
The Soup Nazi offers Kramer an old armoire that he has (to replace the one he had stolen from him while watching it for Elaine) which Kramer then gives to Elaine. Finding this out the Soup Nazi declares that he never would have given it to him if he knew it was for her. Later Elaine discovers the Soup Nazi’s recipes in the armoire and threatens to release them and ruin his business. Because of this the Soup Nazi has no choice and decides to close up shop and move to Argentina.
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