The 10 Greatest Dicks in American History

By Mo Fathelbab

Ever meet a person who somehow fit their name, like a beach bunny named Sandy or an emcee named Mike? Cool, isn’t it? Well, here is a run down of notable guys named Dick who turned out to be the personification of their given name. Once hidden in the mists of time, we invite them to stand tall, proud...erect…knowing that their name has thrust them into the tight, wet hall of history.

10) Dick Butkus

This Dick sullied his hallowed NFL career by taking the job of Director of Competition for the ill-fated XFL (what the hell is a Director of Competition anyway?). Thank goodness it only lasted one season, but this Dick’s work was enough to leave a bad taste in every football fan’s mouth.

9) Dick Van Dyke

This beloved TV Land fixture is on this list for his god-awful Cockney accent in Mary Poppins. It takes a real Dick to speak with a shitty Australian accent and pretend it’s British to Julie Andrews’ face. Plus, his name is one of the few times “dick” and “dyke” ever appear in the same sentence. Neat!

8) Dick Sargent

He took over the Darren role in Bewitched in 1969 (from another Dick – Dick York) and confused a hell of a lot of people. Plus, he could of used his real name instead of his stage name – Dick Cox. That puts him in an elite Dick league.

7) Dick Pole

In this former major league pitcher’s lackluster career, he had 25 wins and 37 losses, with a 5.05 ERA. And now, he’s the pitching coach for the pretty terrible Cincinnati Reds, which means he gets paid to tell current pitchers what to do. Since he’s not giving the money back anytime soon, this guy is a true Dick.

6) Bill O’Reilly

Okay, he’s not officially named Dick. But you know why he’s on the list.

5) Dick Trickle

This former NASCAR driver – considered America’s “winning-est driver”, with over a thousand wins – had a hole drilled into his helmet and his car filled with cigarette lighters so he can smoke while racing. That’s as badass as it is monumentally stupid, making him a very special Dick.

4) Dick Jones

We’re not talking about the little known actor who voiced Pinocchio in the 1940 Disney film (who’s a fantastic Dick, by the way). We’re talking about the president of Omni Consumer Products and developer of ED-209 in RoboCop. This Dick is leading the perpetual crime wave in Old Detroit of his own personal gain and there only one half-Robo/half-Cop who can stop him.

3) Dick Cheney

Being one of the most vilified Vice-Presidents in American history isn’t the only thing that this Dick shares with Aaron Burr. They both also shot dudes. But what makes Cheney a bigger Dick than most Veeps is that he got his victim to apologize for being in the way of his gun.

2) Dick Army

This former Republican Congressman from Texas once called openly gay Democratic representative Barney Frank, “Barney Fag” and when asked about his name, he took another unwarranted swipe at Frank’s sexual orientation: “Yes, I am Dick Army. And if there is a real dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up.” Being an asshole to a fellow Congressman? That’s a real Dick!

1) Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon

This guy was such a Dick that when he lost the 1962 California gubernatorial elections, he had a hissyfit and told a bunch of reporters that they “won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore”. And basically, ol’ Dick Nixon treated the American voters like Dick Army treated Barney Frank, making him the supreme Dick in American history! Congrats, President Nixon!