- Those who have not viewed much anime in the past, or read much manga, may be a tad confused by the very liberal approach to physics that Japanese artists tend to take.
- It should be noted that the laws of physics for anime are quite different than American cartoons, due to different cultural symbolism and sense of humor.
- The copyright owners have granted permission.
- It's funny as hell.
So, without further ado...
THE ANIME LAWS OF PHYSICS
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
- 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
- It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary -
- Anything that explodes bulges first.
- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
- There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
- The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary -
- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
- No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
- The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary -
- The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
- Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
- Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
- Minmei is a bimbo.
- The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
First Corollary -
(from Adam Barnes)
- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.
- Tactical geniuses aren't....
- People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
- Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary -
- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
(from A. Hicks, Tom Williams, and Ben Leinweber)
- The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
(from A. Hicks)
- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any
(from Tom Williams)
- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
(from Tom Williams)
- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
(from Tom Williams)
- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
(from Tom Williams)
- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
(from Spellweaver)
- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
- *ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
(from various sources)
- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear a long cloaks that don't hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
- All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
(from Nyctomania)
- Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these things before.
(from Daniel Mikula)
- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
- 1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
- 1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
(from Jason Bustard)
- All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (a.k.a. The Hammer Rule) -
(from Ferdinand Pelayo)
- The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get, and vice versa.
First Corollary -
- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
(from Lyndon Harris)
- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
(from Erin Alia)
- Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
- There is no Law #43.
(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
- The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
(from R. A. Hubby)
- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
(from Conrad Knauer)
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