John Mayer has been spending a lot of time with Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox these days, and that got us to thinking (we’re very divergent thinkers) — if you could participate in a ménage à trois with two characters from any show in tv history, who would you pick?
Here’s our list of twenty tv threesome options, ranked by a combination of the pair’s overall hotness and their cultural notoriety, each out of a possible ten points. We’re very scientific when it comes to banging the Golden Girls.
20. Mary Ann and Ginger (Gilligan’s Island)
Hotness: 5. Or Gilligan & The Skipper… laaaadies??
Notoriety: 5. A bit on the selfish side, given that there’s only three women on the island and one of them is in her sixties (but loaded).
Overall: 10. If they remade this show nowadays, this would definitely be the pilot episode. And all subsequent episodes.
19. Izzie & Gray (Grey’s Anatomy)
Hotness: 5.5. You would have to pay attention to Ellen Pompeo at some point, though.
Notoriety: 6. Might be fun, until a patient dies on the floor next to the surgical table you’re using as a bed.
Overall: 11.5. Just don’t get too attached, or your aftermath may begin to resemble a joyless romantic comedy.
18. Audrina and Whitney (The Hills)
Hotness: 7.5. Just as hot as LC and Heidi, but we haven’t seen them enough to confirm that they’re completely devoid of humanity.
Notoriety: 5. Although, in Audrina’s case, the mystery’s sort of gone.
Overall: 12.5. The MTV reality-stars might be a bit out of their element without nine jump cuts a second and a bunch of songs that make college students feel old.
17. Dr. Crusher & Counselor Troi (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Hotness: 5. Both actually got better looking after the series ended, though I suppose everyone did after the early 90s ended.
Notoriety: 7.5. You’d have to keep arguing to older, narrow-minded nerds how much better this threesome is than the original.
Overall: 12.5. Would you really want to risk crossing two-take Frakes?
16. Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth (Baywatch)
Hotness: 7. Would’ve been a 10 in the 90s, but now we’ve seen this.
Notoriety: 6.5. Also would’ve been a 10 in the 90s, but “I had a threesome with them two chicks from Baywatch!” sounds like something an 80-year-old Robitussin addict will be telling diner patrons a decade from now.
Overall: 13.5. Two-point deduction for the you-know-what. Begins with H. Ends with ‘erpes.’ It’s ‘herpes.’ Which Pamela Anderson has. Pamela Anderson has herpes.
15. Daphne & Velma (Scooby Doo)
Hotness: 7. If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the nerdy girl instantly becomes hot when you remove her glasses. No exceptions.
Notoriety: 7. Even when I was five, I can’t imagine the thought of those two meddling kids together didn’t cross my mind at some point. Then I thought about chicken fingers.
Overall: 14. Given the cramped quarters and nonstop secondhand pot hazes, it really doesn’t seem that implausible. Fred never stepped up to the plate.
14. Six and Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica)
Hotness: 8. Could you f*ck the spoilers out of them?
Notoriety: 6. Not quite a recognizable ‘duo’, but it would put you in exclusive company alongside Edward James Olmos.
Overall: 14. Your friends would keep reminding you not to tell the story around them because they’re still on Season Two.
13. Brenda and Kelly (90210)
Hotness: 6.5. We’re getting to the point where 90s heartthrobs are starting to look as ridiculous as all humans in the 80s.
Notoriety: 8. Like having sex with a high school wall poster, only not literally!
Overall: 14.5. Could you do it without imagining the theme song in your head the entire time?
12. Mary and Rhoda (Mary Tyler Moore)
Hotness: 6. I’d definitely still consider this in 2008. What?
Notoriety: 8.5. You’d get your own spinoff…
Overall: 14.5. …And backhanded Lou compliments for the rest of your life.
11. Buffy and Willow (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Hotness: 7.5. Jock + Nerd, Vampire Slayer + Witch, Usually Hot + Hot About Half the Time…
Notoriety: 7.5. You’d never have to buy a drink at a ComicCon again.
Overall: 15. Imminent accidental death is a known aphrodisiac.
10. Scarlett and Baroness (G.I. Joe)
Hotness: 8. Fulfills that really specific redhead-and-foreign-dominatrix-voice fantasy.
Notoriety: 7.5. Ahhh, hate f*cking…
Overall: 15.5. “Scarlett and Lady Jaye” would’ve made more logical sense, but, well, who are we kidding?
9. Lois Lane & Lana (Smallville)
Hotness: 9.5. Them Spin Doctors weren’t lyin’.
Notoriety: 6. Is it worth the likelihood of pissing off some jealous high-school supervillain? Probably, yeah.
Overall: 15.5. Although, there’s the inevitable feeling of inadequacy…
8. Rachel and Monica (Friends)
Hotness: 10. Who wouldn’t be honored to accept Brad Pitt’s sloppy seconds?
Notoriety: 6. David Arquette’s, on the other hand…
Overall: 16. Possibility of Phoebe singing a goofy guitar song within earshot of the bedroom would be a near-dealbreaking turnoff.
7. Joey and Jen (Dawson’s Creek)
Hotness: 9. Not to mention, the deep, meaningful pillow-talk.
Notoriety: 7.5. You could go back in time and own the sh*t out of 1999.
Overall: 16.5. Ah, to be young and free of full-on celebrity insanity…
6. Wilma and Betty (Flintstones)
Hotness: 7.5. Tens of thousands of years before the word MILF existed…
Notoriety: 9. You gotta figure, they’re probably a bit starved after years of marriage to those bumbling fools.
Overall: 16.5. Tales of your conquest would be engraved into cave walls for posterity to admire.
5. Betty White and Bea Arthur (Golden Girls)
Hotness: 7. Three words: experience, experience, experience.
Notoriety: 10. Yup.
Overall: 17. Pretty sure we can all agree on this one.
4. Kelly and Jill (Charlie’s Angels)
Hotness: 9. In the 70s, a rendezvous with Farah Fawcett and Charlie’s radio would’ve been enough for lifetime bragging rights.
Notoriety: 8.5 Purists would insist it doesn’t count without Kate Jackson in the mix.
Overall: 17.5. Reality might not live up to Bosley’s masturbation fantasies.
3. Kelly Kapowski and Jessie (Saved By The Bell)
Hotness: 8. Better make your move at the Snowball Dance this week or you’ll have to wait for the Spring Fling next week.
Notoriety: 10. Who hasn’t thought about it? Obviously Zach, Screech for sure, Lisa Turtle too…
Overall: 18. Pretty soon, Belding’s coming to you for advice.
2. Summer and Marissa (The OC)
Hotness: 10. Still.
Notoriety: 8.5. Tiny deduction because of the show’s short run and the fact that fourteen-year olds who were just as hot started showing up, which made everything uncomfortable.
Overall: 18.5. If you filmed it and sent it to Sundance, people probably would accept it as a legit indie pic.
1. Chrissy and Janet (Three’s Company)
Hotness: 9.5. Shoots to 11 if you adjust for inflation.
Notoriety: 10. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that at least one of the producers at one point maybe possibly might have thought people would interpret this show’s dynamic a certain way.
Overall : 19.5. The name of the damn show was one syllable away from actually being the word “Threesome.”
Any more we missed, you sick, tv-watching bastards? Leave ‘em in the comments! Also, I only did straight-male, two chicks scenarios, so feel free to play around with combinations.
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