A girl needs to be pampered every now and then. After a long week at the 9-to-5, few things sound better than a relaxing massage and a bubbly drink. Clearly, I’m not alone—there are spas popping up all over the world, each one’s sole purpose to cater to our every desire. Papaya-scented body scrub? No problem. A mani-pedi-Botox package? Standard these days. Bull semen in your hair? You betcha!

The proliferation of spas has created a competitive market. Some of these spas, like the ones listed below, are coming up with the wackiest, strangest services to lure us in through sheer curiosity. Apparently pampering isn’t enough anymore—it’s got to shock us, too.

1. Snake Massage

Photo source: Dano on flickr

A spa in Israel has put a unique spin on the standard massage. While some masseuses use soothing music or scented candles to supplement massages, owner Ida Barak prefers to use snakes; she believes that they have a calming effect and can alleviate joint pain. Imagine—lying facedown on a bed, strong hands rubbing oil on your back as a few snakes slither up and down your body. What could be more relaxing? Try anything.

2. The Geisha Facial

Photo source: Wikipedia commons

At the Shizuka Day Spa in New York, they use (according to the Web site) “traditional and natural Japanese ingredients” to make skin vibrant and soft. Traditional and natural sounds so purifying … until you realize that the treatment includes nightingale excrement. The treatment, uguisu no fun, incorporates powdered (and sanitized) nightingale feces into a facial mixture that revitalizes skin. Nightingale droppings contain natural enzymes that act as exfoliants and skin brighteners, so what looks unsightly on the ground actually makes your face look great.

3. Aberdeen Organic Bull Sperm Treatment

Photo source: Wikipedia commons

As much as I hate untangling my dry, frizzy hair, there’s no way I’m smearing it with bull sperm. No way—ain’t gonna happen. However, if you don’t have an aversion to sperm in your tresses, go to Hari’s Salon in London and get their infamous treatment. The protein in this ingredient moisturizes, brightens, and repairs your hair like nothing else. It’s combined with Katera root, another protein powerhouse that does amazing things for hair. Considering its nickname (“Viagra for hair”) and the state of my own ’do, I may need to retract my previous dismissal.

4. Fish Reflexology

Did you ever see a whale being cleaned by tiny fish on the Discovery Channel and wish that were you? Singapore’s Sentosa spa can make your dream come true. People who pay for this service (which is called Fish Reflexology) sit in a bath while tiny Turkish spa fish (also called doctor fish) swim around and eat the dead skin off your feet. After the fish nibble (a painless process, according to the Web site), you’re left with softer, healthier feet. Watch the above YouTube video to see a fish reflexology session in action.

5. Bathe in Your Favorite Beverage

Photo source: yunessun.com

I enjoy a good glass of wine, but I’ve never considered bathing in it. At the Hakone Kowakien Yunessun spa in Japan, you can soak in a big pool of red wine. If alcohol’s not your thing, how about green tea, coffee, or sake? Each liquid offers therapeutic benefits for the skin—for example, green tea contains immune-boosting antioxidants, and red wine has skin-restorative properties. I’m not sure how refreshing the treatment actually is, but standing under a huge, pouring bottle of vino sounds mighty relaxing.

6. Chocolate Fondue Wrap

Photo source: hersheypa.com

Going to a spa is an indulgent act already, so why not step it up a notch and indulge your sweet tooth, too? The spa in the Hotel Hershey (possibly the most delicious-sounding hotel ever) offers a plethora of cocoa-infused treatments designed to both soothe you and make you really hungry. The sweet, seductive smell can be relaxing, but what products do they offer for the stomachache you’ll surely get after “sampling” the Chocolate Sugar Scrub?

8. Corona Beer Face Lift

Photo source: merfam on flickr

First chocolate and now beer—I guess we’re all looking for new, non-caloric ways to experience our favorite things. If you love Coronas, but hate the subsequent bloat, head to the Esperanza Resort Spa in Mexico and experience the healing power of beer for a change. The beer treatment is supposed to clear your pores, tighten your skin, and give your face a fresh “glow”—quite different from the glow you get after drinking a couple of Coronas.

9. The “Other” Face Lift

It’s not enough that we have to worry about how toned our legs or arms are. According to Phit, a spa in New York dedicated to pelvic health, we should also be mindful of our vagina’s muscle tone. The clinic offers pelvic services for mothers who’ve recently given birth, women with bladder control issues, and those who are dedicated to fitness on all levels. The Web site claims that the “Other” Face Lift, which is geared toward older women worried about wrinkling or sagging in that area, can “restore labial and vulvar contour to a plump firmness” with a process involving lasers. Since even the thought of lasers near my eye scares me, I think I’ll steer clear of this lift.

10. The Fanny Facial

Facials aren’t just for our faces anymore. All of our body parts need equal love, including our derriere. The Smooth Synergy Day Spa in New York offers the Fanny Facial, a process involving exfoliation, microcurrent therapy, and a spray tan for your booty. The microcurrent therapy helps reduce the appearance of cellulite and tones your backside, and the spray tan enhances the tone. If it saves me a trip to the gym, I’m all for it.

With all of these spas trying to one-up each other with unique (read: bizarre) services, it’s exhausting just trying to find one that offers the basics! I think I’ll just stay home and make my own spa services. It’ll be cheaper, save time, and most likely be excrement-free.

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