Every Saturday, Cracked lets someone from another website do the update for us. They get to show off their stuff to our fans, and we get to be lazy while someone else does our job for us.
In the latest example of our convenient selflessness, former Cracked writer Matt Wilson of the International Society of Supervillains pleads his case for some of the more sympathetic supervillains.
Origin and M.O.
Otto Octavius uses the four mechanical arms that were accidentally fused to his body in an experiment gone wrong to commit crimes and generally make life difficult for Spider-Man. He also, oddly enough, almost married Spider-Man's Aunt May. Awkward.
Spider-Man was invited. This is just how he likes to attend weddings.
Why He's Not So Bad
In two words: brain damage. See, Otto was just a regular old misanthropic mama's boy who didn't really want to hurt anybody prior to his accident. But as fans of every comic book ever know, radiation has a tendency to angry up the blood, and he went into full-on supervillain mode afterward, unmasking Spider-Man and waddling into various banks to rob them. So, really, to blame him for his crimes is sort of like blaming a blind kid for walking into shit.
In the movie, it's not even Otto that's the problem, it's his four mechanical arms leading him around by the torso, randomly killing doctors and taking over abandoned clock towers (presumably out of envy for the width and girth of tower clock's mechanical arms).
But Then Again
Even radiation-induced mental illness cannot explain those glasses or that haircut.
Origin and M.O.
Victor Fries was a scientist working on cryogenics research when his wife, Nora, fell ill. He found a way to preserve her body, but his boss didn't like him using company resources for personal use, so he tried to put a stop to all this "keeping my wife alive" bullshit. When Fries tried to fight back, the boss kicked him into a vat of chemicals, greatly lowering his body temperature. Rather than taking a hot shower and suing his dickhead boss, Fries decided to go with this whole cold thing, living out the rest of his days in a cumbersome refrigerator suit and freezing shit with a ray gun.
Why He's Not So Bad
Because his motive is love. Everything Mr. Freeze does, he does it for Nora. And like Bryan Adams says, it's OK to fight, lie, die or even walk the wire for someone, as long as it's for love.
"Shoot people with freeze rays" sounds at least as excusable as walking the wire.
But Then Again
Origin and M.O.
Erik Lensherr's family was shot and killed by Nazis and buried in a mass grave (who says comics aren't for kids?) before he was taken to a concentration camp. After his escape, he discovered his power to control all types of metal while trying and failing to save his daughter from dying in a fire. Now, he uses those powers to prove that mutants are superior to humans in every way except in fashion.
So much purple.
Why He's Not So Bad
You can justify a lot with the sentence, "My parents were killed by Nazis and I was in a concentration camp."
But even if you overlook that, the simple fact is Magneto thinks he's doing the right thing by promoting the mutant cause. He's often called the Malcolm X to Professor Charles Xavier's Martin Luther King, Jr. Calling Malcolm X evil would be a stretch for even his harshest critics.
But Then Again
Malcolm X never used his powers of magnetism (Ed. Note: Hey, we couldn't find a source that said he didn'thave them) to remove the iron from someone's blood, or pick up the Golden Gate Bridge and turn it toward Alcatraz. Also, he never called his group of compatriots anything like "The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants." So, you know, it's not a perfect comparison.
Origin and M.O.
Upon his escape from prison, Flint Marko fled to probably the worst possible place he could go: A nuclear testing site in Georgia. While there, he stumbled into irradiated sand that... made him into sand, too. I don't know, just go with it. Anyway, he uses his sand powers to fight Spider-Man and get sand all in his hair! Try to get that out, bitch!
"Haha, you're fisting me."
Why He's Not So Bad
He changed his name from his birth name, William Baker, to the more made-up-sounding Flint Marko, because he didn't want his mom to know he was a thief. Nobody who's genuinely evil would be so worried about what his mom thinks.
And according to Spider-Man 3, Flint only stole stuff to help his terminally ill daughter get medical treatment. Unless they left out the part where he wanted to cure her in order to kill her in a more creative way, that's downright heroic.
But Then Again
Sand in your hair really is a serious fucking problem.
Origin and M.O.
There are about a dozen different origin stories for Bizarro (partially because there have been about a dozen different Bizarros), but all you really need to know is that he's a messed up, albino-looking Superman clone who talks in opposites. He was created by one of Superman's nemeses (let's just say Lex Luthor) to vex the big blue boy scout.
Why He's Not So Bad
He may have been created by Superman's arch-villain, but Bizarro himself is basically a simpleton. He talks funny, he's clumsy and he wears a ridiculously clunky sign around his neck that says he's number one.
He just wants a hug.
Evil is a lot like Oscar-baiting performances. You can be stupid and evil, but you can't go full retard. Once you go past a certain point, you're like a big, idiotic farmhand that accidentally strangles the ranch owner's daughter. People start feeling sorry for you.
Plus, Bizarro, at heart, just wants to be like Superman. He's like a dog following his owner everywhere he goes, only way dumber, and more prone attempted murder.
But Then Again
Bizarro and the residents of the entire planet of Bizarros (that exists for some reason) can sort of be a bunch dicks. Or not, considering that they say everything in opposites. It makes it really hard to work out the sarcasm.
Yes, there is a guy named Zibarro.
Origin and M.O.
He's a big, immortal space guy who eats planets. He almost ate Earth once, but the Fantastic Four pointed a fancy gun at him, so he left.
Also, he was embarrassed when nobody liked his "gay Mayan God" look.
Why He's Not So Bad
Because he's just hungry. He's not driven by greed or desire for power or some kind of psychotic sexual attraction to mutilating innocents. He just wants to eat, and it just so happens that what he eats is planets.
If you found out that doughnuts contained entire civilizations, would you feel evil? Would you stop eating doughnuts?
But Then Again
He was in Fantastic Four 2, and just about everything in that movie was evil.
Keep in mind that Matt is only being paid for this piece in clicks to the-iss.com. That said, he'll probably just spend all those clicks at the dog track.
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