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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

14 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar

There’s nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn’t belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.

14. ALL I WANNA DO – SHERYL CROW

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play “Margaritaville” next.

13. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – THE KILLERS

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, the killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.

WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEEEVVVEEERRRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.

12. R.E.M. – IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost puts on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!…hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”

11. DANCING QUEEN – ABBA

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: She’s a shy wallflower with lots of acne in her mid-20s who still reads Sweet Valley High books and plays with her My Little Pony dolls. This song represents her fairy tale dream where she steps onto the dance floor and wows all the guys with her graceful moves. At the end of the night she’s swept off her feet by a handsome Prince Charming who takes her away in a chariot led by 10 mighty steeds. Later that evening, she realizes she’s in a rusty 1984 Datsun and the guy next to her has a pizza stain on his Foreigner T-shirt and he’s asking her to chip in for gas money.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s disco.

10. SWEET HOME ALABAMA – LYNYRD SKYNYRD

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: Look to the bar, there’s probably a gentleman there who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.

WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.

9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of got to keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass kicking selection.

WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something

8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The mega brodawg wearing a white bandana and rings on his fingers who “cannot believe!” that his “main man” Carlos Santana got together with the lead singer of the “totally best fuckin’ band ever” Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, this has “gotta be the best jam of all time, bro.” He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s a washed-up guitarist joining forces with the world’s blandest singer to write a song that my parent’s older friend’s like (honestly). This song should only be played on the jukebox in homes for the deaf.

7. HOTEL CALIFORNIA - THE EAGLES

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is “getting into” the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.

6. I WILL SURVIVE – GLORIA GAYNOR

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”

WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”

5. MEATLOAF – PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: With his over-the-top Broadway theatrics and his over-the-belt belly fat, Meatloaf attracts the tubby, pony-tailed husky guy who thinks to himself, “Hey, if a great big fatass like Meatloaf can pull this off, then I can too. Because I am also a great big fatass.” He then proceeds to try and out Meatloaf Meatloaf by undoing his pony tail for full hair-flip effect, props one knee on a table and sings along as loud as he possibly can. When he tries to get a girl to do the “let me sleep on it” part she politely declines and he’s forced to sing both the male and female parts by himself. Moments after the song is over he goes home, very alone.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: First off, it’s eight minutes long. Secondly, it’s shitty Meatloaf singing about having sex in a car. The man is too fat to have sex in a barn. I’m pretty sure those are the only two reasons you need.

4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He’s got a lifted truck that’s most likely powered by gasoline and “deez nuts.” He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school. He’s also a few beers deep and “there’s a lotta fatties and uptight bitches in this place,” so it’s vital that he take it upon himself to “fucking rock THIS SHIT brother.” He walks over to the juke box while maintaining a full body flex and enters the numbers for this song. Then he nods his head approvingly, as if to say to everyone “Don’t worry, you’re about to see what I picked and it’s gonna take your nuts and shove them inside your asshole, bro.”

WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Unlike some other songs on the list, this was never an acceptable juke box selection. The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.

3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a cut off the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, “you just can’t go wrong with the beatles.” They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita. Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”

WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Before you freak the fuck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.

2. PIANO MAN – BILLY JOEL

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy’s answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he’s finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn’t even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.

1. AMERICAN PIE – DON MCLEAN

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it’s welcome. It needs to die.

Original here

Pearl Jam offers streaming 'bootlegs'

Pearl Jam, a band with a reputation for delivering great live performances, is offering to sell "bootleg" recordings of the group's concert shows.

Fans can go to Pearljam.com and purchase streaming downloads or burn-to-order CDs of each of the band's performances during its 2008 concert tour, which launched last week in Florida. Internap is overseeing the audio streaming.

Pearl Jam is taking liberties with the term bootleg. Typically bootlegs are pirated material that are given away or sold at bargain-basement prices.

That's not the case here. Each concert performance will sell for $9.99 (MP3) and $14.99 (FLAC) and be made available two weeks after the performance. But fans may give Eddie Vedder and the group a pass on this one.

Why?

Because at least Pearl Jam is offering the music free of digital rights management. This means fans can burn the songs to disc or transfer them to their digital music players. Another reason is that Pearl Jam is a longtime advocate for fans.

Pearl Jam once canceled a concert tour to protest the high price of concert tickets. The group sued Ticketmaster and requested that the U.S. Department of Justice investigate the company. Nothing came of the lawsuit.

Original here

Sacha Baron Cohen's “Bruno” Coming To Theaters May 2009

BrunoUniversal announced that the film “Bruno” — Sacha Baron Cohen’s big-screen follow-up to “Borat” featuring his lovably gay Austrian fashion reporter character — will be in theaters on May 15, 2009. This is intriguing for three reasons:

1) Universal is gambling on an R-rated comedy right at the start of summer blockbuster season and the same weekend as “Angels & Demons,” the “Da Vinci Code” sequel. Has “Sex and the City” perhaps set the tone for future summer box offices? At least for movies with some sort of massive gay component?

2) Even in a post-Borat world, Cohen managed to complete his guerilla filming with a minimal amount of blog photo-spoilage.

3) We’ll be hearing a butchered catchphrase ALLLLLLLLLLLLL summer long. Probably “Niyce!” again, somehow.

After the jump, whet your hidden camera appetite with my (and everyone else’s) favorite “Bruno” sketch from the HBO series:


Posted on 06/17/08 4:05pm | Permalink |

Paramount international box office passes $1 billion





Paramount international box office passes $1 billion

Paramount Pictures International, which releases movies outside North America, said on Monday it has topped the $1 billion mark at overseas box offices behind hit films including "Iron Man" and the latest "Indiana Jones" saga.

Paramount, which is owned by media giant Viacom Inc, said it surpassed $1 billion on Saturday, six weeks faster than in 2007 when the company ended the year with a total $1.6 billion at international box offices.

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," the latest installment of adventure archeology from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, grossed more than $350 million internationally in just two weeks, the company said.
Likewise, "Iron Man" has taken in $210 million in markets served by Paramount Pictures International, and animated "Kung Fu Panda" has been another recent success for the division.

Original here

On the move: Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan was born Chan Kong-sang (which means Born in Hong Kong) in 1954. He attended a Beijing drama school, where he excelled in acrobatics and martial arts, before his stunts won him a role in his first martial arts film at the age of 17. He has starred in Hollywood comedies such as Rush Hour and Shanghai Knights. He married Joan Lin, a Taiwanese actress, in 1982; they have one grown-up son, Jaycee, who is an actor and singer

Hong Kong actor Jackie Chan

Okay, this time the panda gets it

Jackie Chan recently celebrated his 54th birthday and, while that makes him 11 years younger than Indiana Jones, he knows he can’t keep on taking the high kicks for ever. “This one is probably my worst injury,” he says, offering his head for examination where his hair hides a large dent in his skull. “I got it while I was filming Armour of God in Yugoslavia. I fell down from a tree and, after 15 days in hospital, I went back to finish the scene.”

The injury gave him headaches for a while, but now the bigger problem is his hearing. “Years and years of injuries have resulted in my hearing loss,” he says. “Most of the time I just use one ear to listen.”

Chan has starred in more than 100 films since his screen debut as an eight-year-old and is still going strong. Even so, his new movie, Kung Fu Panda, was kinder on his battered body: the animated film about a panda that dreams of becoming a martial arts expert required only Chan’s voice.

“I believe it’s important to carry on doing what makes you happiest for as long as possible,” he says. “Take my father, for instance. He died earlier this year after a wonderful life – spending the past 30 years travelling, enjoying life. And when I was visiting him in the hospital towards the end, I sit down and I see the whiskey bottle on the top shelf above his hospital bed. I said, ‘What’s that?’ And he says, ‘The doctor lets me drink . . .’ He knew he was close, so why not? I said, ‘Okay, go ahead.’ It’s all about finding balance in life.”

This may be so, but Chan has displayed a ruthless single-mindedness throughout his career. It has helped him rise from being an unknown 17-year-old stuntman named Chan Kong-sang to the highest paid Asian actor in the world. Along the way he has helped to take martial arts movies into the mainstream.

He was born in Hong Kong, where his parents worked for the French embassy, and it was here he developed an early thirst for adventure.

“Ever since I was a boy, I’ve had a passion for cars and danger,” he says. “My fascination grew all the more stronger because, growing up on Hong Kong Island, there isn’t much room for cars, so my family didn’t have one.”

At the time he earned the nickname Pao Pao (or Cannonball) because he was constantly rolling around. It wasn’t until he attended a Chinese drama academy in Beijing, however, that his talent for martial arts and acrobatics took on a more structured course. Chan got his first break as a stuntman on the Bruce Lee films Fist of Fury and Enter the Dragon. He followed this success with small acting parts, but his appearances were confined to low-budget Hong Kong films.

Chan decided to recast himself as a comedy actor to sidestep the glut of serious martial performers that emerged postBruce Lee. It worked. After a bit part in the light-hearted The Cannonball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, Chan went on to star in the 1995 film Rumble In the Bronx, which gained a cult following in the US. He cemented his clownish character in the 1998 action comedy Rush Hour and then in Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights alongside Owen Wilson.

Today he drives a Jackie Chan limited-edition Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution IX, one of only 50, which was given to him by the Japanese company as part of a sponsorship deal. Chan was also recently spotted in Hong Kong promoting his version of the Segway scooter, though he claims most of his driving is now done on screen.

“It’s always fun to do car stunts,” he says, “although there’s many more people out there who are better at it than me. In my leisure time I enjoy a drink, and cars and alcohol don’t really go together, so I let my driver take the wheel.”

Despite the onscreen fighting, Chan’s toughest role of late has been as an ambassador for the Beijing Olympics. “It is sad, very sad,” he says of the protests surrounding China’s policy in Tibet. “But every Olympics it goes on.” He dismissed the protesters as “just some naughty boys. They just want to be on TV”.

It is the sort of line that will make pro-Tibet campaigners want to cuff him around the ears, but he insists he rarely has any trouble with tough guys wanting to prove a point: “I’ve not had a single fight in all these years. I might be in a bar or on the street, and so many big martial arts guys – much bigger than me – they come up and they touch me, shake my hand; very respectful.

“I think because, first, I’m the good guy and, second, my characters in the movies are always the underdog. I never show I’m the superhero. I can cry. If I break my finger I go to hospital. People always come and say, ‘Hey Jackie, respect! Truly from my heart, I love you’.”

He credits Joan Lin, his wife, with providing the security at home that allows him to lead his high-octane life. “She’s used to it. She’s used to never seeing me for six months or even two years. She just takes care of my son. I’m very lucky I have a wife like her,” he says.

He’s not sure how many more blows his body can take before he’s forced to give up, but he says he’s determined to carry on. “I believe I will retire some day. But when? I don’t know. Maybe in five years’ time, but I don’t have any exact date in mind. I will continue to do it until I cannot do it. And even when I am not in front of the camera, I will be behind the scenes producing and directing; and I start a school, teach people.”

Will Jaycee, Chan’s 25-year-old son, follow in his footsteps, as Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee’s son – tragically killed in a filming accident in 1993 – did after the death of his father? Unlikely, he says. “When he was young I tried to teach Jaycee martial arts. He listened to me and learnt, but after 10 years he refused to learn any more and started going to music school instead,” says Chan.

“When I asked him the reason he said, ‘I don’t want to be a Brandon Lee where, no matter how much training he does, his father will always be the best. I don’t want to be you. I will never be you. So I will be a pop singer instead’.”

Original here