by King Oblivion, Ph.D.
So here, we lovingly give you the bitchiest ladies in spandex this side of Suzanne Somers.
Known for: Having powers that can basically do anything, being Magneto's daughter, screwing a robot
A bitch because of: Her propensity to wipe out entire races of people, destroying a team of her old friends
The defense: One time, when the Avengers got sent back in time by King Arthur's elven half-sister (don't ask), she restored Captain America's memories, thereby making sure the world doesn't forget how much Nazi ass he squashed in WWII.
The case against: When a slightly drunk Wasp (we'll get to her in a minute) mentioned the children the Scarlet Witch actually never had with her robot husband, the Vision, she went crazy nuts and killed half the team. She also destroyed their home base, which cost Tony Stark what would equal about ten bucks to us, but still. Then, in the ultimate, "fuck you, Dad" moment ever, she wiped out all the mutants in the world, basically. Tell me that's not worse than some lady cutting you off in traffic.
Known for: Lying, having an exceptionally literal name, hanging out with the awesomely named Deathstroke the Terminator
A bitch because of: The lying, not giving her man a chance to explain hisself
The defense: The Terra who hangs around with the Teen Titans now doesn't seem to lie nearly as much, but that doesn't mean she couldn't.
The case against: Okay, yes, she's not technically a superheroine, but she pretended to be one, so it counts. Much is made of the fact that Terra infiltrated the Teen Titans and posed as a member so that Deathstroke could kidnap and try to kill them, but that's not the main issue here. Our real beef is that she turned on Deathstroke because she thought he turned against her, even though it was his punk-ass son that freed the Titans, not him. She didn't even let him explain before she brought down his whole, quite expensive complex down on him. That's cold.
Known for: Being tiny, having a different outfit, like, every day, constantly talking about how hot Thor is in a Paris Hilton-like manner
A bitch because of: Her indefensible love of douchebags
The defense: She came up with the name The Avengers, which I gotta say is pretty sweet.
The case against: Timid scientist Hank Pym, a.k.a Giant Man, had never gotten up the balls to ask the Wasp to marry him, and she was apparently okay with that. But when he burst in saying he was a totally different guy, Yellowjacket, she upped and got hitched to him. She knew all along Yellowjacket was actually Pym, and took advantage of his schizophrenic outburst to finally make the leap. So in summary, she didn't actually think it was worthwhile to marry a guy who loved her until he became a fucking crazy cockmunch. What a boost to the egos of regular dudes everywhere.
Known for: An unyielding love of hoods, extreme gothiness, not being the Raven from "That's So Raven"
A bitch because of: Her literal manipulation of her boyfriend's emotions
The defense: Outside of Robin, she's the only tolerable character on the "Teen Titans" cartoon.
The case against: Not once, but twice, in two different incarnations, she used her powers of emotion control to convince dudes to love her. First, it was Kid Flash, then it was Nightwing, as if those guys were even worth the effort. Oh, and she occasionally turns into a manifestation of her evil dad, much like any number of my ex-girlfriends.
The Invisible Woman
Known for: Being subject to Reed Richards' rampant sexism, invisibility, being played by Jessica Alba with a terrible dye job
A bitch because of: The fact she has a whole other personality devoted to being a bitch, ridiculous parenting choices
The defense: She did decide to turn against Reed after he made a clone Thor. Good move.
The case against: Sometimes, when she's in a particularly bad mood, Susan Richards will just turn into a whole other person named Malice, who is sometimes mean to The Thing, which seems all but impossible. Malice is nothing but bitchiness incarnate, like a physical manifestation of PMS. She could only get rid of Malice when Reed made her genuinely hate him, which is hilarious. On top of that, when she left Reed after he made the aforementioned clone Thor, she left their children in his care. This is a man who just created a murdering mechanical thunder god, and you think it's best he keep the kids. Smart.
Known for: Talking backwards all the time, a very weird relationship with Batman, fishnets
A bitch because of: Horrible ethics, her ill-advised habit of pissing off a guy who dresses like a bat for fun
The defense: In the kick-ass Grant Morrison "Seven Soldiers" miniseries, she casts a spell to move time and space so that Frankenstein can whomp more people.
The case against: Her only solution to anything is to erase people's memories, apparently. Dr. Light rapes the Elongated Man's wife? Erase his memory. Other people know stuff about the Justice League? Erase their memories. Batman shows up to complain about all the memory erasing? Erase his memory. Red Tornado catches her finishing up the last of the peanut butter in the Hall of Justice? Oh, you better believe she's erasing his memory. That's like somebody trying to swat a fly by hitting it with a wrecking ball.
Known for: Bitchiness, extremely revealing clothing, having creepy triplets around her all the time
A bitch because of: Her pursuit of a married man who just happens to be wed to a woman who can turn into a huge bird made of fire
The defense: When Iron Man tried to get the X-Men to participate in his douchey Superhuman Registration Act, she said no thanks in a showing of bitchiness being used for good (at least, good in our view).
The case against: Not only did she try to make moves on married stick-in-the-mud Cyclops, she did it by infiltrating his mind and making herself look like the guy's wife, Jean Grey, who happened to catch them in the act.
Also, she always wears ridiculously revealing clothes, but seems like the most frigid bitch who ever bitched a bitch. Like, she'd get all crazy and smack you with her diamond fists if you just tried to touch a little cheek or even looked for too long. Bitch!
Known for: Her wondrous ability to combine bondage with polygraph exams, starry tights, being played by Lynda Carter
A bitch because of: Cold-hearted murder
The defense: She has saved guys named Steve from danger more times than I can count. Also, she pretty fly.
The case against: So, this guy Maxwell Lord, who everyone thought was a great dude but had in fact just shot the shit out of Blue Beetle, had Superman under his mind control, right? Because apparently everyone who lives in comic-book-land has the technology to control everyone else's mind. Anyway, Superman's beating the crap out of Batman. So Wonder Woman finds Lord, ties him up in her crazy lasso of truth or whatever and asks how to stop it. He says, "Kill me."
And without even blinking, she turns his neck into a bendy straw. And here's the kicker, she was so ice-cold that even douchebag Batman was like, "Whoa, that was harsh!" That takes effort.