Thursday, October 23, 2008

New ‘Whale Wars’ TV Series Documents Anti-Whaling Activists

Written by Alex Felsinger

The Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a direct action animal rights organization led by Captain Paul Watson, will get some well-deserved attention in an upcoming seven-part Animal Planet television series titled “Whale Wars,” set to premier November 7th.

The group formed in 1977 after Watson, one of the founders of Greenpeace, became frustrated with the seminal environmental group’s hesitation to engage in direct action. Since then the group has faced down whalers year-after-year by literally chasing their ships around the open seas.

Unlike most direct action activism, Watson insists that Sea Shepherd’s anti-whaling campaigns are entirely legal. He cites international treaties under the International Whaling Commission that state that any human has the right to interfere with illegal poaching or whaling. While the laws exist, Watson says that Sea Shepherd are the only ones enforcing them. He has been arrested numerous times across the globe but has never been convicted of any wrongdoing.

Last winter, the crew prevented the Japanese from killing at least 300 whales, but not without a fight. The television show documents all the action, including a dramatic hostage situation, flash grenades, gunfire, and full-throttled chases through to antarctic seas. Quite frankly, I wish I had cable.

This teaser gives you a taste of what to expect:

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Image Credit: Paul Watson via Wiki Commons

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Dr Pepper to Make Good on Chinese Democracy Stunt

By Eliot Van Buskirk

GunsnrosesSoda manufacturer Dr Pepper promised a free soft drink to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses releases its long-awaited Chinese Democracy album before the end of 2008.

Now that Axl and company have set a release date of November 23, Dr Pepper says it will make good on the offer. Those who want to claim a free soda can go to the Dr. Pepper website on November 23, enter some personal information and get a coupon for one 20-ounce drink that should arrive within the following 4 to 6 weeks. (The offer strangely said no free soda for former GNR members Slash and Buckethead.) The freebies expire in February 2009.

The band didn't know about the promotion until it was announced in March 2008. When he heard about the proposed giveaway, Axl Rose explained: "We are surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper with our album Chinese Democracy, as for us, this came totally out of the blue. If there is any involvement with this promotion by our record company or others, we are unaware of such at this time. And as some of Buckethead's performances are on our album, I'll share my Dr Pepper with him."

The "Chinese Democracy" single went online yesterday (you can listen to the whole song here and then rate its rockingness in our poll).

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Songs About Butts: No Ifs or Ands About It

By Clinton Schaff

Editor’s Note (Update): Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back was intentionally left off this list. Too cliche. And for that matter, so was “Shake Your Booty” by K.C. & the Sunshine Band. Booty, Ass, Butt, Derriere, Arse, Behind, Buns, Buttocks, Hind End, Keister, Nates, Posterior, Prat, Fanny, Rear End, Tooshie, Seat, Fundament, Backside, Bottom, Hindquarters, Tush, Rump, Stern, Tail Rear, Bum, Can, Heine. Let me count the ways! There are lots of words for butts, but there are even more songs about ass, representing all genres and spanning decades. Can’t fit all that booty in these editorial jeans so I’ve whittled down the list to 25 favorites, organized by genre. Shake it!


“Funky Butt” by Mississippi John Hurt

Mississippi John Hurt

Booty was a subject of choice even back when the great bluesman recorded the now classic “Funky Butt” about a foul smelling woman: “You see that gal with the red dress on / She got funky butt stinky butt sure as you’re born / Well I don’t like it no how.”

“Do the Rump” by The Black Keys

Black Keys

Originally recorded by Junior Kimbrough, The Black Keys do an admirable job with a modern update. “Hey now baby - Let’s do the rump / Yeah darling - Lets do the rump / Do the rump ’til the broad daylight, broad daylight / Hey now baby - All over again / Yeah darling - All over again.”


“Butt to Butt Resuscitation” by Funkadelic


Why muck with this amazing song title with too many words. It’s real simple: “I’m gonna go back / Come and take me there / I’m gonna go back / Anything beyond compare.” Repeat 14 times.

“Loose Booty” by Sly & the Family Stone

Sly & the Family Stone

Wisdom from Sly during these difficult economic times: “Well, when you’re tryin’ to flee from any fakin’ grin / Tell you what to do, how to bring the money in / Find yourself some rich dude, let it all hang out / Get into some dancing, do what it’s all about / Loose booty.”


“Tush” by Lester Young

Lester Young

Prez don’t need no words to get the tush a-shakin’. Listen to that tenor and watch the tail feathers move!

“Duke Booty” by Miles Davis

Miles Davis

Miles hooks up with Easy Mo Bee to pay homage to Duke Booty.

“Funky Butt” by Sidney Bechet

Sidney Bechet

From 1945, this rollicking jazz number was composed by the counterculture icon, Mezz Mezzrow, and performed by the soprano sax king, Sidney Bechet, along with Hot Lips Page on trumpet and Mezz himself on clarinet. Hot jazz, indeed!


“Tush” by ZZ Top

ZZ Top

In the seventies, before the band hit the MTV airwaves with Eliminator, ZZ Top was a blistering blues band. This simple plea is one of the trio’s best boogies. “I been up, I been down / Take my word, my way around / I ain’t askin’ for much / I said, lord, take me downtown / I’m just lookin’ for some tush.”

“Carolyn’s Booty” by Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents of the United States of America

Not exactly poetry, but this playful bonus cut from the band’s popular 1993 debut album is quite catchy. “I caught a glimpse of Carolyn’s Bootie / As she was getting dressed for work in my room / I saw the moonbeam shine on her bootie / I saw the sunbeam shine on her butt, I like it (me like it) / Later on, I laid my hands on her / I wanna kiss some bootie / Curvaceous / So delicious / Mmmm Nutritious / B-b-b-b-b-b-bodacious.”

“Your Arse My Place” by Elastica


Shortlived Britpop band, Elastica, had buckets of attitude and a great update on the post-punk sound of Wire and the Buzzcocks. “Cocaine, it’s crack / Bloody, was black / I’m class, you’re ace / Your arse, in my place / Get with it, baby / I like it like that.”

“Butt Town” by Iggy Pop

Iggy Pop

Gotta love Iggy! “In Butt Town baby / I’m gonna be a star / I’m gonna shake my butt far / Now here we go / I’m gonna shake my butt / Shake my butt shake my butt / In Butt Town.”

“The Ballad of Johnny Butt” by Sublime


“Johnny butt was a man with a real strong will to survive / He just keep pushin’ on even though he was barely alive / So shoot it up shoot it up it just don’t matter / Johnny says he wants go do it / Says he wants to kill a cop / We’ve got a brand new dance its called we’ve got to overcome.”


“Shake Your Rump” by Beastie Boys

Beastie Boys

“Shake your rump / Never been dumped ’cause I’m the most mackinest / Never been jumped ’cause I’m known the most packinest / Yeah we’ve got beef chief / We’re knocking out teeth chief / And if you don’t believe us you should question your belief Keith / Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat / Like Fred Flintstone driving around with bald feet.”

“Shake Ya Ass” by Mystikal


For all the young’uns in the house, I’ll only reference the chorus. Ask your parents before you listen to this joint. “Shake ya ass / But watch ya self / Shake ya ass / Show me what you workin’ with.”

“Big Ole Butt” by LL Cool J

LL Cool J

“She had a big ole booty, I was doin my duty / I mean, yo, I admit that my girls a cutie / But Tina was erotic, Earl’s my witness / With the kind of legs that put stockings out of business / When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek / But in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak.”

“Tush” by Ghostface with Missy Elliot


Same warning to the young’uns as above. “Somebody tell that girl that her ass too big / I give it to her right and she let me live / Can’t eat that, cuz there’s no relationship / I beat that, the next day you called in sick / Frontin’, not for nothin’, I pop buttons / Off Baby Phat, Levi’s, J.Lo’s, Guess and Gap / Cuz it’s like that, young lady, bet I make you shake / Like the Puffy and Jay-Z’s, Dre’s and J.D.’s.”

“Ms. Fat Booty” by Mos Def

Mos Def

“I seen her on the ave, spotted her more than once / Ass so fat that you could see it from the front / She spot me like paparazzi / Shot me a glance in that catwoman stance with the fat booty pants
Hot damn! / What your name love, where you came from?”


“Hairy Ass Hillbillies” by Jerry Jeff Walker

Jerry Jeff Walker

“This song it was written down / In a pea green windowless room / Four o’clock and the TV’s dead / Wired up with nothin’ to do / I drunk all my whiskey I smoked all my beer / I’m already gone I just got here / An old hairy ass hillbilly / Still up and hangin’ on.”

“Big Booty” by Willie Nelson

Willie Nelson

“She said I ain’t gonna fix you no more sausage / Biscuits and gravy on the side / You done said the wrong thing to me baby / And you can kiss big booty good-bye.”

“Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in Bed” by Kinky Friedman

Kinky Friedman

“You uppity women I dont understand / Why you gotta go and try to act like a man / But before you make your weekly visit to the shrink / You’d better occupy the kitchen, liberate the sink / Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed / Thats what I to my baby said / Women’s liberation is a-going to your head / Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.”


“Booty” by Erykah Badu

Erykah Badu

“Your booty might be bigga / But I still can pull your nigga / But I don’t want him / Ya got sugar on your pita / But ya nigga thinks I’m sweeter / But I don’t want him / Ya know the whole encyclopedia / But ya nigga thinks I’m deeper / But I don’t want him / Got a whole lot a junk off in ya trunk / But ya nigga think I’m live and I keep him crunk / I don’t want him.”

“Feelin’ On Yo Booty” by R. Kelly

R. Kelly

This is my song for real, no doubt / Said the DJ’s makin’ me feel thugged out / As I walk you to the dance floor / We begin to dance slow / Put yo’ arms around me / I’m feelin’ on yo’ booty.”


“Ass Itch” by Korn


“I have no idea why this song is titled “Ass Itch.” Can you shed some light? I hate writing shit, it is so stupid / What’s my problem today? / Maybe I’m depressed / Maybe I’m not listening to what comes out my pen / Pain. . .Pain. . .Pain. . .”

“The Master Has a Butt” by GWAR


These lyrics take the cake for pure inanity. “Well I’m a real bad mama / I had a little something to eat last night / A real bad man I like to spend a lot of time on the can / It’s not alright / Well we f**ked up the tablet and the Master heard the sound / The Master has a butt.”


“Funky Butt” by Jr. Rockin’ Dopsie

Jr. Rockin Dopsie

This zydeco dance will undoubtedly get your tush moving.

“Don’t Mess With My Tush” by Rockin’ Sydney

Rockin' Sydney

Great accordion playing, horrible drum machine beat. “Don’t you mess with my tush / Find yourself another bush / If you want to keep your nose / Keep your hands off my rose.”

Original here

Guns N' Roses releases first 'Chinese Democracy' single: Was it worth the wait?

Guns N’ Roses fans, the wait is over. After 17 years of polishing --- or whatever it is that rock superstars do when they sequester themselves in studios that cost millions of dollars for a decade-plus --- new GNR music has finally, officially made its way to the public.

“Chinese Democracy,” the title track from the band’s first studio album since 1991, was released Wednesday to radio stations. The track was also available on-line, where it was streaming on various Web sites.

Listen to the track here:

Was the wait worth it? Axl Rose is the only band member left standing from the band’s original incarnation, which has sold 100 million records, and so this is essentially a solo project. Rose sings in the lower end of his range, save for the introduction where his heavily processed voice sounds like a distant air-raid siren; otherwise, the wicked-witch cackle that defined his Sunset Strip bad-boy incarnation in the ‘80s sits this one out.

Nor is Rose’s voice the track’s most prominent feature. It sits inside layers of guitars that sound way fancier than anything original Gunners guitarists Slash or Izzy Stradlin might’ve played. Rose has been working with a small army of musicians in recent years, so the guitars might’ve been played by any number of candidates, including Robin Finck, Richard Fortus and Ron Thal. Despite the noodling, the riffs are heavy.

The track indicates that Rose hasn’t gone soft. But the wanky technical prowess is no substitute for a great song. Beneath the six-string buzz there really isn’t much of a melody, or even a memorable hook. After 17 years, this is the best tune Rose could conjure for the lead single? Not a promising sign for an album that is supposedly going to be made available exclusively at Best Buy stores the week of Nov. 23.

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9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals

By Cyriaque Lamar

You think Batman's pretty cool, don't you? Probably couldn't be any cooler, right? Wrong. Step outside of America, and you find a Batman who guns down bad guys with a revolver, and has naked sex with the ladies he rescues.

It's true, other countries have been working around the clock to improve our fictional heroes in every way. Here are 9 ripoffs that are better than the US originals, proving you can create something awesome no matter where you're from or how limited your budget is, as long as you don't give a shit about copyrights.

The Turkish Batman - Yarasa Adam ("Betmen")

The American Original:

As night looms over Gotham City, Batman and Robin rev up the Batmobile and stalk the shadows for the cowardly criminal element.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

As the sun beats down on the Anatolian steppe, Betmen and Turkish Robin cruise around in a shitty sedan and pump hot lead into the cowardly criminal element.

The music sounds like a swarm of killer bees playing the sitar in an empty grain silo.

Why It's Better:

There's a lot to love about the Turkish Batman, namely his ability to do more with less. Whereas the American Batman cloaks his severe mental illness with gee-whiz gadgets and, well, a cloak, Betmen has no need for capes, technology, or subtlety. He knows that dressing up like a deranged trapeze artist and borrowing the wife's Chevy Nova for the afternoon will do way more to frighten felons than any bat-shaped airplane.

This is also the first of two foreign Batman movies on this list with nudity in it. You're off to a good start, rest of the world.

The Indian Superman - Dariya Dil (1988)

The American Original:

In his 1978 Film, Superman apprehends those who commit crimes. The love of Lois Lane helps the superpowered Kryptonian maintain his humanity.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In this Bollywood extravaganza, Superman and Indian Lois Lane (a.k.a. Indian Spiderwoman) use the power of dance to commit crimes against humanity.

Why It's Better:

To be fair, Dariya Dil isn't an Indian Superman movie at all (the only plot synopsis we could find online said it was a romantic comedy about tax evasion or something). But nonetheless, we dig its freaky take on the Superman mythos.

The problem with the American Superman is he's basically a god trapped in the mind of a crossing guard. His M.O. for crime prevention is hovering above the ground, arms crossed with an exasperated frown on his face. Come on! We're talking about Superman here, continents shift when he yawns and oceans boil when he farts in the tub. But it's wasted on a guy who has the personality of a mannequin.

Why is that happening?

The Indian Superman has no such hang-ups. He'll dance like no one's watching. He'll canoodle with his girl at 5,000 feet. And--at the 2:33 mark--he'll use his superbreath to blow a criminal at the force of escape velocity into the vacuum of space, where the perp will orbit the Earth as a frozen corpse for decades. In short, Indian Superman just does not give a fuck.

The Soviet Winnie the Pooh - Vinni Pukh (1969)

The American Original:

In 1966, the Walt Disney Company released a 26-minute short about A.A. Milnes famous bear searching for honey. An icon and merchandising empire was born.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In 1969, Soviet animation studio Soyuzmultfilm released an 11-minute short about A.A. Milnes famous medved searching for med.

Why It's Better:

Where do we begin? First off, the Soviet Winnie is way more macho - the Ruskie version replaces the American Winnie's foppish lilt with some hard, incomprehensible Cyrillic barking. He could be screaming about honey. He could also be screaming about Ivan Drago. Who knows? All we can surmise is that this cartoon was probably animated at gunpoint in a gulag somewhere.

Also, the crudely drawn marker backgrounds remind us of Worker and Parasite from The Simpsons.

The Japanese Spider-Man - The Spiderman TV Show (1978)

The American Original:

A bite from a radioactive spider transforms dorky Peter Parker into the Amazing Spider-Man! With his newfound spider powers, Peter dukes it out with streetwise goons such as Doctor Octopus.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

A magical bracelet from a telepathic spider-alien transforms motorcyclist Takuya Yamashiro into the Japanese Spiderman! With his newfound spaceship and giant samurai robot, Takuya dukes it out with intergalactic fruitcakes such as Professor Monster.

Sound too absurd? Well, watch the show's intro and brace yourself for the best Spiderman theme song in any language.

It's amazing what a couple bottles of sake do for a children's show theme.

Why It's Better:

Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of our Spider-Man is his whiny self-doubt. Trust the Japanese to get down to brass tacks and just fucking nail the character's true appeal. It's like they said, "Screw that annoying pathos. This is a show about a man in a leotard who walks on the ceiling. We've gotta add some giant robots and take this shit to the next level."

"With great power comes great respons- oh hell, let's just give him a car."

The Turkish E.T. -Badi (1983)

The American Original:

E.T., an adorable animatronic extraterrestrial, lands in a SoCal suburb and teaches a lonely boy that he has a friend somewhere in the universe.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

Badi, a midget wearing a stained turtleneck and a mask resembling an uncooked prawn, lands in a Turkish slum and teaches the audience that the universe is filled with unremitting horror.

Why It's Better:

In E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, Spielberg made the titular character as cute, anthropomorphic and genital-less as possible - after all, a disgusting, inhuman, and massively endowed alien is no way to shill Reese's Pieces to the kids.

The filmmakers of Badi were unencumbered by franchise deals or a large budget and thus had no need to make the alien appealing to children. Thanks to inimitable Turkish special FX, Spielberg's plucky alien became a terrifying, shambling garbage pile:

What's so great about Badi is that the film realistically depicts humanity's first contact with aliens. Forget flying bicycles, glowing fingers and heartfelt moments. It's more likely we'll meet saggy-bladdered beings who fart smoke and scream like Tom Morello guitar solos. And like Turkish Elliot's Turkish family, we humans will run around, losing our goddamn Turkish minds.

The Italian Batman - The Bathman dal pianeta Eros (1982)

The American Original:

Batman, the famed defender of Gotham City, and his acrobatic sidekick Robin team up to put villains like Catwoman, The Joker and The Penguin behind bars.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

Bathman, the famed lover from the planet Eros, and his masturbating sidekick Robina team up to diddle villains like Catwoman, The Joker, and the gay Penguin.

Yup, it's a porn. (Warning: NSFW but the nudity's subpar anyway).

Why It's better:

Holy Batporn, Bathman!

Just as the Japanese Spiderman enhances the hero by stripping away his emotional baggage, the Italian Batman bravely reinvents the stoic Caped Crusader as a happy-go-lucky boning machine. This should be a welcome change of pace for fans dissatisfied with Christian "I Gargle with Whiskey and Thumbtacks" Bale's portrayal.

Additionally, the Italian Batman is an alien. This revelation will indubitably add a new layer of richness to ongoing internet message board debates over whether Batman would "pwnz0rs" other pop cultural figures such as Superman, Wolverine, or Grimace from the old McDonald's ads.

Finally, this film is a bold new step for the pornographic medium as a whole. American porn is all "moneyshot this" and "facial that." As the clip below demonstrates, Italian smut peddlers really know how to inject some fun into erotica. And when we say "fun," we mean "bicycles!"

The Chinese Popeye -The Dragon Lives Again (1976)

The American Original:

In his hometown of Sweet Haven, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Olive Oyl and Wimpy, all the while vexing his arch-nemesis Bluto.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In Chinese Hell, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Bruce Lee and Caine from Kung Fu, all the while vexing his arch-nemeses Dracula, Clint Eastwood, the Exorcist, and James Bond.

We have now officially reached the point in the article where the jokes write themselves.

Why It's Better:

In the years following Bruce Lee's 1973 death, Asian studios released a series of low-budget "Bruceploitation" movies to capitalize on the martial arts phenom's passing. Armed with a small army of Bruce Lee imitators (i.e. Bruce Li, Bruce Lei, Lee Bruce) and a shared assumption that the audience was dumb as a load of bricks, the studios milked poor Bruce's corpse for all the zombie milk they could get.

Perhaps the most offensive offering was The Dragon Lives Again. Released less than three years after Lee's death, the film was infamous for its Mad Libs-style cast of characters, leading man Bruce Leung's utter lack of resemblance to Bruce Lee, and the many jokes about the deceased star's giant penis. To see why some folks might have been upset, imagine an upcoming Bernie Mac biopic in which Bernie (who is inexplicably Mexican) must save the underworld from Indiana Jones, Martin Sheen, Saruman, and Jigsaw from Saw with the help of Alf, Snagglepuss, and his own elephantitis-wracked testicles.

The silver lining to this shitshow is Chinese Popeye. That repulsive two second sequence of him horking down a wad of green cellophane made our stomachs churn less than the entirety of Robin Williams's Popeye.

Hamas' Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny Tomorrow's Pioneers (TV, 2007-2008)

The American Original:

Beloved cartoon characters/corporate prostitutes Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny compete for children's affections; encourage them to eat sugary breakfast cereal.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

Beloved cartoon characters/Hamas sympathizers Farfour and Assud team up with Hamas to win childrens' affections/encourage them to eat the Jews.

And you thought we were kidding.

Cartoon characters and politics have been historical bedfellows - during World War II, Daffy Duck fought the Nazis and Superman promoted cross-cultural understanding with the Japanese. In modern Palestine, the creators of the kid's program Tomorrow's Pioneers have recruited Bugs and Mickey to overthrow the world's Zionist puppet masters. They have also apparently hired Borat as their screenwriter.

We at Cracked have already reported on Farfour, the high-pitched, Jew-hating mouse. But since then, Farfour's had a spat of bad luck, namely getting punched to death by a bloodthirsty Israeli for refusing to sell his land.

With Farfour gone, Tomorrow's Pioneers ignored the obvious theological conundrum of a rodent becoming a martyr and foisted hosting duties upon Assud, an equally creepy and shrill rabbit. Assud's hosting gig was short-lived as he soon had his hands lopped off as punishment for robbery.

The devil made him do it. Seriously.

If history is any indicator, the next host of Tomorrow's Pioneers will be an anti-Semitic Yogi the Bear who will be publicly stoned for his addiction to picnic baskets.

Why It's Better:

Oh, who are kidding? This shit's scarier than Badi.

Turkish Spider-Man and Turkish Captain America - The 3 Dev Adam (1973)

The American Original:

There is no precedent for 3 Dev Adam. It is the alpha and omega of cinematic narrative.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In swinging 70s Istanbul, Captain America and Mexican Lucha Libre superstar El Santo have teamed up to take down the most perverted counterfeiter in town...Spiderman?

Why It's Better:

The beauty of 3 Dev Adam (or "The 3 Mighty Men") is that it's that movie you wrote when you were 6 but with all the sex and violence you love at 25. And nothing quite epitomizes this man-child aesthetic like Turkish Spider-Man.

3 Dev Adam transforms Spider-Man, the most nobly nebbish of superheroes, into the Turkish Hannibal Lecter. Watch below as he murders a woman with a boat propeller, strangles a naked woman in a bathtub with a telephone cord, and feeds a man's eyes to a hamster.

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, strangling Turkish Spider-Man..."

These scenes bring up a whole host of questions that the movie has absolutely no interest in answering. Why the hell would Spider-Man counterfeit lira? Why didn't they just call Turkish Captain America "Captain Turkey?" What the hell is up with Spider-Man's eyebrows? Throw out all questions, friends. If you agree not to question its central conceits, then 3 Dev Adam will tickle your corneas with wonder.

For unintentionally hilarious film violence from our shores, check out 10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Make You Laugh. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.

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