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Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Emerald-Skinned Women Who Make the Universe a Greener Place

By Lauren Davis

The most recent Star Trek trailer briefly featured a particular species of green-skinned female known for their seductive powers. Green women are a force to be reckoned with in science fiction, and they range from pint-sized invaders to powerful warriors and cunning schemers. We list the green-skinned ladies who make the universe a more colorful place.

Orions (Star Trek): Orion slave girls are known for their beauty, their carnal appetites, and their skills in the bedroom. Being with an Orion woman is a common male fantasy in the Federation, and the women feature in many a holosuite program. But the Orion women are more in control than any outside their species realize. They emit a powerful pheromone that turns men of most species into their willing slaves.


Queen Veranke (Marvel): The princess Veranke was sent to a prison planet for having the audacity to question the leadership of the Skrull king, saying that the prophesies foretold the destruction of the Skrull homeworld and the need to find a new planet. When the prophesies come true, Veranke is freed and made empress of the Skrull Empire. She quickly plots and enacts the Secret Invasion of Earth, acting as one of the plan’s early agents by impersonating Spider-Woman Jessica Drew.


Princess Aura (Flash Gordon): Although later media would remove her verdant hue, Princess Aura was the originally green-skinned daughter of Ming the Merciless, the despotic ruler of the planet Mongo. Her attraction to Flash Gordon proved one of the protagonists’ greatest assets, causing her to turn against her father, though she ultimately falls for the rebel Prince Barin, the rightful heir to Mongo’s throne.

Athena (Lost in Space): Few people are fond of Lost in Space’s villainous stowaway Dr. Zachary Smith. But one such person is Athena, the girl from the Green Dimension. Although she at one point hypnotizes Smith into dumping the Jupiter 2’s fuel, hijacking the ship, and taking a walk in space, she later returns to romance the sad doctor, hoping to escape her brutish suitor and bring Smith back to her home dimension.


Miss Martian (DC): M’gann M’orzz is actually a White Martian who poses as a Green Martian to earn a slot on the Teen Titans. But even after her true form is discovered, she prefers her green appearance, though she is plagued by the fear of her more aggressive White Martian nature.


Tak (Invader Zim): The female Irken Tak is far more clever than her nemesis Zim. She has a more convincing disguise, builds a superior robotic unit, and is single-minded in her pursuits. But after Zim’s actions condemned her to 70 years of janitorial duty on the Planet Dirt, she’s also dangerously insane. She aims to steal Zim’s commission by conquering the Earth and stuffing it with junk food for the benefit of the Irken Armada.


Elmira (Space Cases): The warlike Spung were the primary antagonists of Nickelodeon’s lost in space drama. But Elmira escaped her Spung upbringing because of their shoddy treatment of women. Like Aura, Elmira is green-skinned royal who ends up falling for her father’s enemy. She’s also an oracle, and foresees Jewel Staite’s unfortunate departure from the show.


She-Hulk (Marvel): After Jennifer Walters was gunned down by members of a crime family, her cousin Bruce “The Hulk” Banner saves her life by donating some of his gamma-irradiated blood. The transfusions transforms her into the amazonian She-Hulk, but, unlike Banner, she sees the advantages of going green. Her She-Hulk form gave Walters the strength and confidence not only to fight superpowered crime, but also to practice superhuman law.

April the Gorlock (The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius): Genius Jimmy Neutron may have a secret crush on his intellectual rival Cindy Vortex, but his hormones go into overdrive when he meets April the Gorlock. While trying to protect her planet, April performs her people’s seal of trust on Jimmy, which just so happens to be a kiss. Jimmy was happy to lend a helping hand, hoping to earn himself another seal of trust once the planet’s safety was assured.


Oola (Star Wars): Unlike the Orion women, Oola is a bona fide slave, a Twi’lek tragically tricked into becoming a dancer for Jabba the Hutt. There, she was starved, forced to service Jabba, and beaten for any disobedience. Just before she believed she would be rescued by Luke Skywalker, Oola performed one final dance for her master, but when Jabba pulled on the chain around her neck, beckoning him to her, she defied him, pulling back until Jabba tugged her over a trapdoor and dropped her into the chamber of his hungry rancor.

Xylene (Ben 10): Xylene is the carrier of the Omnitrix, a powerful alien device that can transform the wearer into a number of different aliens. When she finds herself under attack, she sends the device to Earth, where it comes into the possession of Ben Tennyson. When Xylene comes to reclaim the Omnitrix, she butts heads with Ben, but reconnects with Ben’s Grandpa Max, her ally and one-time lover.

Updated by popular demand:


Dot Matrix (ReBoot): We were remiss in not immediately including Dot Matrix, the Command.Com of ReBoot's Mainframe. After her father's experiments wipe out most of Mainframe and nearly all the computer's sprites, Dot keeps Mainframe running, fighting off its resident viruses, Megabyte and Hexadecimal, and ensuring the population isn't decimated by incoming games. At the same time, she owns many of the local business and raises her only remaining family, her younger brother Enzo.

Original here

This Is SO WEIRD


We all knew that Biggie Smalls wrote most of Lil Kim’s rhymes. What we didn’t know was that he also recorded references tracks to guide Kim through her rhyme sequence and structure. Or that said tracks have been crawling the interwebs for a hot minute. Luckily, our friends at Buhbomp have unearthed some of the reference tracks Biggie cut for Kim way way back in the day, when some of you were still in underoos. One of the cuts (below) finds Biggie spitting Lil Kim’s “Queen Bitch” joint in its entirety. Reference track or not, it still feels weird just hearing B.I.G. say rhymes like, “Got buffoons eating my pussy while I watch cartoons” and “I’m rich, I’ma stay that bitch.”

Biggie - “Queen Bitch” (Reference Track)

Biggie - “Player’s Anthem” (Reference Track)

[Props: Buhbomp]

Original here

Whose Idea Was Beyonce's Shiny Robot Glove?

Leslie Gornstein

Los Angeles (E! Online) – What is that new hand that Beyonce has? Is it a robot hand? Is it superstrong?

--B Fan, Yonkers

See? I told you. The Cylons. They look like us now.

The handpiece you mention--alternately known among fashion reporters as the roboglove, the gling or Anti-Rihanna Death Grip--actually was handcrafted by Beyonce's longtime jeweler, New York-based Lorraine Schwartz. Despite Internet rumors that the piece was fashioned of pure gold--possibly in the legendary Elven forges at Rivendell--it's actually made of...

...titanium!

And, according to sources close to the gling, it's also one of a kind and therefore close to priceless.

More details on the roboglove? Sure.

• Schwartz had her artisans working day and night on the piece, laboring 24 hours a day until it was complete.

• It fits literally like a glove. Beyonce's entire upper arm was cast in wax so that the titanium piece would wrap perfectly.

• It's actually several pieces, including a ring, a glove and a separate component that covers the upper arm. It can be worn all together or separately.

• It looks heavier than it is. Titanium is about 45 percent lighter than steel.

• Beyonce really, really doesn't want to take it off. She wore it on Saturday Night Live. She wore it in her "Single Ladies" video. She wore it in her cover spread for Gotham magazine. She wore it on the red carpet at the MTV Europe Awards.

• The glove was Beyonce's concept all the way, I am told--a "superpower" hand to complement the singer's new Sasha Fierce ego.

Speaking of fierce, the white-hot flame of truth doesn't stop for a turkey. Look for more answers to your burningest Q's later this week.

Got a question about Hollywood? ASK IT: answerbitch@eonline.com

Oh, and subscribe to my free podcast, 'kay?

••• THEY SAID WHAT? Get today's most commented stories now at www.eonline.com

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Family Valewwws: 13 Holiday-Season Films For People Who Hate Their Relatives

By G. Martin

The holiday season is officially upon us. The food, the festivities, the relatives. Feeling nauseous yet? Does spending quality time with the fam fill you with unspeakable levels of fear and loathing? Do you break out in sweaty hives at the very idea of all that forced togetherness and pre-fab merrymaking? If that's the case, take heart, because it could always be worse. No matter what your situation is, these 13 belligerent broods will make yours look positively Rockwellian by comparison. You will be grateful that you're drowning in your own gene pool and not theirs.

13. Parents

What if instead of serving Tom Turkey for Thanksgiving, your mother decided to dish up Tom, your next door neighbor? Living a vegan's worst nightmare, a little boy realizes very quickly that sometimes it's best to keep the origins of "mystery meat" mysterious. So the next time you're bitching about that umpteenth turkey sandwich, just be glad that the protein you're consuming never had arms or a credit card. Guess Chevy Chase and the Griswolds were lucky Randy Quaid ran out of meat that time he had them over for dinner.




12. Friday The 13th

Let's look at this from the Voorhees' perspective, shall we? If some snotty, half-witted counselors let your sorry, deformed ass drown at summer camp, wouldn't you want your mom to dedicate the rest of her life to avenging your death? It's the least she could do. June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable, Maggie Seaver and all those other so-called, "good" mothers aren't worthy of shining Mrs. Voorhees' bloody shoes. So kudos to you, Jason's mom. A family that slays together stays together.



11. Sleepwalkers

It's one thing to have a close relationship with your maternal unit, but it's an entirely different ball of wax once you start sleeping with her. In Stephen King's tale of felonious feline incest, shape-shifting Brian Krause spurns Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick for his own mother. Who ever said cats aren't affectionate creatures?




10. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

The only situation more unfortunate than being the black sheep of the family is being at the ebony ewe's mercy. As in most cases of violent sibling rivalry, the envious former child star blames her older sister for her life's problems. Considering how the majority of juvenile actors turn out, Baby Jane doesn't actually seem all that maladjusted.




9. Serial Mom

What would be the final straw that would convince you that your mommy was crazy? Her obsessive enforcement of the "no white after Labor Day" rule? The fact that she speaks in a rumbling baritone that gives James Earl Jones a run for his money? Or would it be her habit of killing people for no good reason? Kathleen Turner addresses all these questions and more during her John Waters-inspired spree.




8. The Stepfather

In spite of what The Brady Bunch would have us believe, most stepfamilies go through an awkward adjustment phase at first. Of course, that initial period of discomfort may last a little longer if your new daddy happens to be a homicidal maniac with severe identity issues. As the bizarro Mike Brady, Lost's Terry O'Quinn is a living, breathing (and murdering) endorsement for single moms to remain blissfully unattached.




7. Rob Zombie's Halloween

Providing viewers with a glimpse into Michael Myers' less than ideal upbringing, the lead singer of White Zombie gives us a peek at the boy behind the mask. From his slutty sister to his stripper mama's drunken, live-in boyfriend, The Shape's familial background is straight out of the serial killer's handbook. Then again, if those were your relatives you might be tempted to slaughter them, too.


The Best Quotes from the New Britney Spears Documentary

By: Michael Swaim

As a blogger, one must become sensitively attuned to some very specific phenomenon. News stories involving nudity, stupid criminals, or–preferably–both. Upcoming holidays that could have inspired “novelty items in poor taste.” Websites featuring those items. And, of course, upcoming documentaries about ailing teen pop sensations.

Britney: For the Record follows Brit for three months, and is part of her sweeping “comeback” effort. I guess after all that footage of her shaving her head, dropping her baby, getting stoned with K-Fed, and being bloated and pitchy at the Grammys (and that’s just one clip), her PR team decided the best way to win back the love of the public was to point a camera at her and just let her go.

Big mistake.

Although the numerous leaks and plants that have preceded the movie’s premiere have held off on revealing what career-killing atrocity Brit has planned for the climax, there’s been enough “real Britney” in the air already to convince me this one’s going to be a winner.

Some pearls of wisdom from Spears herself:

  • “Instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of everything.”
  • “I was a pretty cool chick, and I’m really not that way anymore.”
  • “My life is worse than a prison sentence.”
  • “It’s bad. I’m sad.”
  • This pattern continues until she’s communicating entirely with monosyllabic grunts and lip curls.

    I think I’ve already gleaned all the Britney-related information I’m going to get from this documentary. Firstly, that she’s a developmentally stunted woman/girl whose handlers never allowed her to develop a behavioral palette of more than four colors, and secondly, that it’s hilarious to watch her try and express human emotion.

    So that you don’t feel the need to actually watch it when it comes out, I’ve taken it upon myself to capture her essence and synthesize what I’m predicting will be the best quotes and moments from For the Record. As an added challenge, I’ve included three real Britney quotes. See if you can sort the fakes from the genuine article.

    Britney on the Civil War:

    “In the end, I still blame myself, even though I try not to.”

    Britney on her comeback:

    “I’m coming back like a train, like the biggest train. Woo woooo!”

    Britney on Darfur:

    “I think it could be a lot worse; people have it a lot worse than I do.”

    Britney on the theories of Sir Isaac Newton:

    “What goes up, it’s like, sometimes…when I dance, I think it’s almost a spiritual way of—it comes down.”

    Britney on her time in the Mouseketeers:

    “I let bad people into my life because I was lonely.”

    Britney quotes Ralph from The Simpsons:

    “I have eaten the purple berries.”

    Britney on Obama’s election:

    “I heard and I was like thank goodness, because now I didn’t feel so bad about the war where they fought their brothers. The one you mentioned earlier.”

    Britney on the Iraq war:

    “It was bad. I felt sad. Wait, did I already use that one? Anyway, it’s a song I’m working on. It’s called ‘It Was Bad’ and then in parentheses ‘I Felt Sad.’”

    Britney on (and demonstrating) spouting random gibberish:

    “Sometimes you don’t need to use words to go through what you need to go through. Sometimes it’s an emotion you need to feel when you dance, that you need to touch. And the only thing that can touch it is when you move a certain way.”

    Britney on her place in history:

    “Everyone remembers the biggest train, right? I rest my cakes.”

    If you guessed 3, 5, and 10, then you were wrong because it was actually 3, 5, and the one about the big train.

    God, she loved that big train.

    Oh, that reminds me: she dies at the end.

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