As a blogger, one must become sensitively attuned to some very specific phenomenon. News stories involving nudity, stupid criminals, or–preferably–both. Upcoming holidays that could have inspired “novelty items in poor taste.” Websites featuring those items. And, of course, upcoming documentaries about ailing teen pop sensations.
Britney: For the Record follows Brit for three months, and is part of her sweeping “comeback” effort. I guess after all that footage of her shaving her head, dropping her baby, getting stoned with K-Fed, and being bloated and pitchy at the Grammys (and that’s just one clip), her PR team decided the best way to win back the love of the public was to point a camera at her and just let her go.
Although the numerous leaks and plants that have preceded the movie’s premiere have held off on revealing what career-killing atrocity Brit has planned for the climax, there’s been enough “real Britney” in the air already to convince me this one’s going to be a winner.
Some pearls of wisdom from Spears herself:
This pattern continues until she’s communicating entirely with monosyllabic grunts and lip curls.
I think I’ve already gleaned all the Britney-related information I’m going to get from this documentary. Firstly, that she’s a developmentally stunted woman/girl whose handlers never allowed her to develop a behavioral palette of more than four colors, and secondly, that it’s hilarious to watch her try and express human emotion.
So that you don’t feel the need to actually watch it when it comes out, I’ve taken it upon myself to capture her essence and synthesize what I’m predicting will be the best quotes and moments from For the Record. As an added challenge, I’ve included three real Britney quotes. See if you can sort the fakes from the genuine article.
Britney on the Civil War:
Britney on her comeback:
Britney on Darfur:
Britney on the theories of Sir Isaac Newton:
Britney on her time in the Mouseketeers:
Britney quotes Ralph from The Simpsons:
Britney on Obama’s election:
Britney on the Iraq war:
Britney on (and demonstrating) spouting random gibberish:
Britney on her place in history:
If you guessed 3, 5, and 10, then you were wrong because it was actually 3, 5, and the one about the big train.
God, she loved that big train.
Oh, that reminds me: she dies at the end.