This week Variety announced that The Price Is Right has hired Beauty and the Geek host Mike Richards as co-executive producer in an effort to “attract a younger audience”. If The Price Is Right wanted to bring in an audience other than the blue hairs, they didn’t need to hire some reality dude - they could have just asked. Here are our ten suggestions for hipping up the show for the kids:
10. Change the Logo and Title of the Show To Something A Little More “Now” - See the suggested logo to your right. As you will undoubtedly notice, the more “urban” and “edgy” logo design - and the new title, which has been updated to reflect the more “street” slang of the kids these days - all lend themselves to a younger, hipper daytime gameshow viewer.
9. Instead of “Come On Down”, Have The Voice of Scorpion Yell “Get Over Here!” While The Mortal Kombat Music Plays - I know it’s a trademark of the show or whatever, but the whole “Come On Down” thing is so played out. How much cooler and more youthful would it be if a classic video game fighting character unleashed a blood-curdling “Get Over Here!!!” along with intense techno music and strobe lights. Who wants to see some old grandad tripping over himself cause he’s the next contestant on the Price Is Right when he could make a more dramatic and triumphant entrance to the show like he’s about to wrestle for the motherf*cking WWE title of mid-level consumer products?
8. Less “Plinko”, More “Guitar Hero” - Who gives a sh*t about watching an air hockey puck bounce its way down some game board from the 70’s? I’d rather watch housewives shred face to Slayer songs to see whether or not they’re gonna be going home with that dinette set. And if they want “A New Car!”, they’re going to have to kill everyone in the building to get it, Grand Theft Auto-stizz.
7. Introduce A New Game Called “Giving Bob Barker Lap-dances For Cash” - What better way to combine the legacy of Price Is Right past with the racier demands of Price Is Right future than by wheeling out beloved old Bob Barker and watching the beauties writhe around all over his body and oxygen tank while contestants try to guess how many dollar bills he’s tipping them?
Read the rest, after the jump!
6. Drew Carey’s Glasses: Thicker, Blacker, Nerdier - Sure, Drew Carey has long pioneered the “thick black nerdy glasses” the cool kids are so crazy about these days. But the thing is, they can never really be thick, black and nerdy enough. In fact, why don’t we just slap some Ali G frames on the guy and call it a day, for real.
5. Put A Starbucks In Contestants Row - What are all the other contestants doing the whole time they’re waiting for their next chance to make it to the main stage anyway? Well, I’ll tell you what they could be doing - having double macchiatos, working on their failed screenplays and talking about that amazing new Coldplay record.
4. Sex Up The Product Placements - Instead of having contestants bid on the price of boring household items like fabric softener and snack crackers, have them guess the current eBay market value of bedazzled cell phone cases, blingy mouth jewelry and 12-packs of Miller Chill.
3. Replace That Weenie Climber Guy In The Cliffhanger Game With Badass Sylvester Stallone From “Cliffhanger” - It’s the Y2K’s, guys. I think it’s time we upgrade Lederhausen McPusswad with a kick-ass heat-packed action star who kills people with icicles.
2. When College Kids Show Up In The Audience, Make Them “Go Wild” - You know when those big groups of kids show up in the audience wearing their adorable matching “University of Wherever” sweatshirts? During the commercial breaks, there should be some wacky guy in the audience who goes over and pours malt beverages all over them while they lift up the sweatshirts and waggle their boobies around. The resulting footage should then be sold in a series of direct mail videos called “Price Is Right: Too Hot For TV!”.
1. Determine the Showcase Showdown With Mixed Martial Arts Ultimate Fighting Cage Matches - Forget the stupid spinning wheel (or at least put some rims with spinners on it). What could speak more to America’s youth than watching two soccer moms have it out in an unmerciful bloody-knuckled battle to the death to see who will walk away with a new camper trailer and a pair of matching jet skis?
FREE BONUS SUGGESTIONS:
– Create A Sh*tty Spin-Off Reality Show Hosted By Tila Tequila Where Strippers Try To Out-Slut Each Other In Order To Become Barker’s Beauties or Carey’s Cuties or Whatever The Hell They’re Calling Them These Days
– Anytime Someone Loses A Challenge, Have Some Frat Guy Come Out And Punch Them, Then Go “The Price Is WRONG, Bitch!”
– More texting!