Friday, August 8, 2008

10 Ways To Make The Price Is Right More “Hip”

By Alex Blagg

da-prizzo-is-rizzy_2.jpgThis week Variety announced that The Price Is Right has hired Beauty and the Geek host Mike Richards as co-executive producer in an effort to “attract a younger audience”. If The Price Is Right wanted to bring in an audience other than the blue hairs, they didn’t need to hire some reality dude - they could have just asked. Here are our ten suggestions for hipping up the show for the kids:

10. Change the Logo and Title of the Show To Something A Little More “Now” - See the suggested logo to your right. As you will undoubtedly notice, the more “urban” and “edgy” logo design - and the new title, which has been updated to reflect the more “street” slang of the kids these days - all lend themselves to a younger, hipper daytime gameshow viewer.

9. Instead of “Come On Down”, Have The Voice of Scorpion Yell “Get Over Here!” While The Mortal Kombat Music Plays - I know it’s a trademark of the show or whatever, but the whole “Come On Down” thing is so played out. How much cooler and more youthful would it be if a classic video game fighting character unleashed a blood-curdling “Get Over Here!!!” along with intense techno music and strobe lights. Who wants to see some old grandad tripping over himself cause he’s the next contestant on the Price Is Right when he could make a more dramatic and triumphant entrance to the show like he’s about to wrestle for the motherf*cking WWE title of mid-level consumer products?

8. Less “Plinko”, More “Guitar Hero” - Who gives a sh*t about watching an air hockey puck bounce its way down some game board from the 70’s? I’d rather watch housewives shred face to Slayer songs to see whether or not they’re gonna be going home with that dinette set. And if they want “A New Car!”, they’re going to have to kill everyone in the building to get it, Grand Theft Auto-stizz.

7. Introduce A New Game Called “Giving Bob Barker Lap-dances For Cash” - What better way to combine the legacy of Price Is Right past with the racier demands of Price Is Right future than by wheeling out beloved old Bob Barker and watching the beauties writhe around all over his body and oxygen tank while contestants try to guess how many dollar bills he’s tipping them?

Read the rest, after the jump!


6. Drew Carey’s Glasses: Thicker, Blacker, Nerdier - Sure, Drew Carey has long pioneered the “thick black nerdy glasses” the cool kids are so crazy about these days. But the thing is, they can never really be thick, black and nerdy enough. In fact, why don’t we just slap some Ali G frames on the guy and call it a day, for real.

5. Put A Starbucks In Contestants Row - What are all the other contestants doing the whole time they’re waiting for their next chance to make it to the main stage anyway? Well, I’ll tell you what they could be doing - having double macchiatos, working on their failed screenplays and talking about that amazing new Coldplay record.

4. Sex Up The Product Placements - Instead of having contestants bid on the price of boring household items like fabric softener and snack crackers, have them guess the current eBay market value of bedazzled cell phone cases, blingy mouth jewelry and 12-packs of Miller Chill.


3. Replace That Weenie Climber Guy In The Cliffhanger Game With Badass Sylvester Stallone From “Cliffhanger” - It’s the Y2K’s, guys. I think it’s time we upgrade Lederhausen McPusswad with a kick-ass heat-packed action star who kills people with icicles.

2. When College Kids Show Up In The Audience, Make Them “Go Wild” - You know when those big groups of kids show up in the audience wearing their adorable matching “University of Wherever” sweatshirts? During the commercial breaks, there should be some wacky guy in the audience who goes over and pours malt beverages all over them while they lift up the sweatshirts and waggle their boobies around. The resulting footage should then be sold in a series of direct mail videos called “Price Is Right: Too Hot For TV!”.

1. Determine the Showcase Showdown With Mixed Martial Arts Ultimate Fighting Cage Matches - Forget the stupid spinning wheel (or at least put some rims with spinners on it). What could speak more to America’s youth than watching two soccer moms have it out in an unmerciful bloody-knuckled battle to the death to see who will walk away with a new camper trailer and a pair of matching jet skis?


Create A Sh*tty Spin-Off Reality Show Hosted By Tila Tequila Where Strippers Try To Out-Slut Each Other In Order To Become Barker’s Beauties or Carey’s Cuties or Whatever The Hell They’re Calling Them These Days

Anytime Someone Loses A Challenge, Have Some Frat Guy Come Out And Punch Them, Then Go “The Price Is WRONG, Bitch!”

More texting!

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Jay-Z Debuts New Song from Blueprint III

By Henry Adaso

Kanye West surprised his New York fans at the Madison Square Garden leg of his Glow in the Dark tour by bringing out Jay-Z to close out the show. Concertgoers probably expected a memorable performance, but what they didn't expect was Jay-Z's announcement of his upcoming album, Blueprint III, his last album on Def Jam.

A video posted on Kanye's blog last night shows the two rap greats performing a song Kanye produced for Jay-Z's new album, Blueprint III. The song which is stacked atop an SUV-friendly bass will surely set clubs ablaze this summer.

Jay-Z kicked off his verse by touching on the Glastonbury controversy that led Oasis singer Noah Gallagher to criticize his inclusion at the festival. Gallagher stated that rap had no place at Glastonbury, a traditionally guitar-heavy event. In response, Jay-Z put on a show by launching his Glastonbury set with a mock performance of Oasis' "Wonderwall," guitar in hand.

"That bloke from Oasis said I couldn’t play guitar. Somebody shoulda told ‘em I’m a fucking Roc star," raps Jay-Z on his new Blueprint III song. Kanye repeatedly chanted a hook that sounded like "Jockin' Jay-Z, jockin' Jay-Z."

Ask any Jay-Z fan and they'll tell you that his 2001 CD, The Blueprint, remains one of his greatest albums ever. Jay has been trying to recapture the magic of that album to no avail. The first Blueprint follow-up, 2002's Blueprint 2: The Gift and The Curse, marked a low point in Jay-Z's catalog, as the album suffered from excessive filler material and forced collaborations. Let's hope he can deliver the goods this time.

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Ozzy Osbourne dishes on 'Guitar Hero' and technology

The latest artist announced to join Guitar Hero World Tour? Ozzy Osbourne. He and guitarist Zakk Wylde will appear in the game, due this fall, as will songs such as Crazy Train and Mr. Crowley. Those songs will be playable in a virtual Ozzfest venue. Osbourne chatted on the phone — just days before this year's Ozzfest Saturday in Dallas — with me about video games and technology.

Q: So you are going to be in a video game?

A: Yeah. I've been involved with it for quite a while. They (Activision) liked my music and I have a big young following, I've been told. I'm from the old school. I don't own a computer. I just got an iPod that I've organized. I have got to learn how to turn it on. That's about it, you know. I can't download. I can't do any load.

Q: So it's really you in the game, right?

A: I had to put on this black suit with all these little ping-pong ball-like things all over me, motion capture. I had to dance around like I'm on stage when one of my songs are on. I don't really know how it works, but I have seen a run of it. It is really interesting. The image of me, I wish I had the energy it has. The graphics are really, really good.

Q: What do you think of these video games as a way for music lovers to interact with music?

A: The music thing is OK, but there are so many other video games. Like I went "wow" at the one with carjacking and all of that. Some desensitize kids, you know. It's a changing time. Of course, I used to see horror films when I was a kid and to lie that you were over 16 to get in.

My son Jack, he won't return your call. You have to text him. I have a cellphone, but I can't say I'm in love with the thing. You have to be pretty bright to keep up with the changes, and just when you learn something, it's time to learn something else.

Q: Do you see video games as a good way for musicians to get their music heard?

A: I guess it is. The download epidemic has killed record sales. It's kind of like the new thing to do, I suppose, because it's one way of getting your music to kids and keeps the tours going. I used to make a record, and more or less it would sell a million and it would go a while, you know. Now, it's like you get 750,000 or 800,000 and it slows down. For every one you sell, 10 get downloaded. But it's technology. You ain't gonna stop it now.

Q: Anything new you can tell me about your upcoming Osbournes' TV project (a six-episode hourlong variety show on Fox)?

A: There's a word that scares me a little (used to describe the new show), the word "variety." If we do a Christmas show, believe me, I'm not going to be sitting at a cozy fire with a scarf on and singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas." I'm making that perfectly clear right now. I'm not singing any (crappy) little f—-ing Christmas songs.

It's kind of like an unscripted (thing). I hope it turns out because Mama, Sharon, is kind of the TV person. She said it would be great if we could all get back together and put this thing on. You know what? OK. We nearly lost her a few years ago when she had cancer. So her passion is for TV. She loves it, so we all love it with her, you know. But I'm not going to become the weatherman or the next Larry King. I'm just going to check it out.

Q: Can you say anything about next year's Ozzfest? (This year's is a one-off concert with Metallica and System of a Down Saturday in Dallas).

A: I guess my wife has a plan up her sleeve. There will be something next year. I think it will be the Ozzfest again, back to normal (a multi-date tour). But I don't know at this point.

Q: Anything else in the works?

A: I am recording another album soon. I've got a Pro Tools machine downstairs in my house now, which I record from home now. I can't turn the f——ing thing on. (Laughs). It's like the brain of the house. But when you have somebody who knows what they are doing, it's so easy to make records now, it's not even funny.

The art of making records is somewhat diminishing. It's taking the passion out of it. But I will try to give it as much real me as I can. There's so many tricks I can use.

I want to make two albums. Make one and go out on that one, and make another one and go out on that. Time is very valuable to me now. I'm 60 this December. It does not seem 10 years since I was 50. It really doesn't. My mission now is to do as much as I can.

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Britney Spears To Be Lesbian Stripper in ‘Pussycat’?

Britney Spears to play a Lesbian Stripper in Faster PUssycat Kill Kill

How perfect is it that Quentin Tarantino may have chosen pop star turned trashy drama queen Britney Spears to star in his Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! alongside hardcore porn star turned actress Tera Patrick?

Telegraph appears to be confirming last January’s rumor that Tarantino was considering Britney Spears, Eva Mendes, and Kim Kardashian with its recent suggestion that the princess of pop—whose acting career basically consists of a horrific performance in Crossroads, when she was cute and attractive, and a handful of comedic cameos on the CBS series “How I Met Your Mother,” after she had become crazy and not so attractive — might have beat out both Kardashian and Mendes for a part as one of his leading ladies.

What pushes this story over the top, though, is that Spears’ character, should she get the part, is a lesbian stripper/murderer. I’m not sure which part of that is more frightening: the possibility of Britney trying to mack on a hottie like Tera Patrick, or the possibility of having to see her chunky ass naked, or nearly naked for that matter, on the big screen. Either way, I’m not all that happy about the situation.

Given Tarantino’s penchant for wacky casting choices — apparently he just cast director Eli Roth in his upcoming Inglorious Bastards instead of award-winning actor Leonardo Dicaprio — Spears’ addition to Pussycat should come as no surprise. Honestly, though, I feel bad for the girl. She’s probably doing this in an attempt to get her career back on track after her last album, ‘Blackout’ bombed. But unless she recruits a personal trainer before filming begins she’s just going to look like total crap next to Patrick. Not to mention that she’s the one of the laziest crazy celebs out there, so Tarantino’s decision to cast her in a lead role in a movie—one of those things that requires a lot of hours of hard work—is a risky one.

At any rate, we’ll keep our eyes out for any clarifications with regard to this whole situation, so make sure you don’t lose any sleep over it just yet.

If Spears is cast in Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, do you think she’ll be allowed to have a single on the soundtrack?

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George Lucas: No Harrison Ford, No "Indiana Jones"

George Lucas says he's already identified the one person who can keep the "Indiana Jones" franchise going: Harrison Ford.

The filmmaker scoffed at the possibility of passing the famed fedora from Ford to Shia LaBeouf, the 22-year-old actor who played Indy's son Mutt Williams in this summer's "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

"He is Indiana Jones," Lucas said of Ford. "If Indiana Jones wasn't in it, you'd have to call it 'Mutt Williams and the search for Elvis.' ... "Yeah, it's 'Mutt Williams and the Search for Elvis.'"

Lucas sat down with AP Television at his Big Rock Ranch outside San Francisco, where he said he didn't pay much attention to the reception from critics and fans to "Crystal Skull," a sci-fi adventure set in the 1950s. But he definitely sees a future for Dr. Jones. A fifth movie is certainly a possibility.

"The franchise really depends on me coming up with a good idea," Lucas said. "And that series is very research-intensive. So we're doing research now to see if we can't come up with another object for him to chase ... hopefully we'll come up with something."

Meanwhile, the 64-year-old has another popular franchise to nurture: "Star Wars."

Lucas produced the animated "Star Wars: Clone Wars," hitting theaters Aug. 15. It will be followed in the fall with the launch of an animated TV series by the same name, airing on the Cartoon Network and TNT. Lucas plans a live-action "Star Wars" TV series as well, and he's also looking into re-releasing the six "Star Wars" films using new 3-D technology.

"We're trying to do that," Lucas said. "We worked on some, with a company that was developing the technology a few years ago to convert films into 3-D, we worked with them. But the system works great. It's just not very practical. So what we've been working on since then is to develop a sort of practical way to do it. And we will get there. It's just a technological challenge."

The producer-director waxed nostalgic for the days when talking to the press wasn't necessary to promote a film.

"I like when you focus on making movies, you make movies and people go to see them," he said. "But there's this whole other industry that's been created which the world hasn't quite adjusted to or caught up to or figured out. It's the same thing with copyright and all kinds of other things where things are going around that I'm sure at some point will become more civilized. I'm just waiting. Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I'll go out and adopt twins if they'll pay me $14 million to do it."

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The Dark Knight is #1 Superhero movie of all-time!

You hear that noise, faithful comic book fans? It's the sound of your beloved medium gaining real mainstream acceptance. Over the past 18 days The Dark Knight has raked in more than $405,699,734, moving it past Spider-Man to become the seventh top grossing film of all time. It is also the movie to break the $400 million mark, absolutely destroying the abysmal Shrek 2's record of 42 days.

This also makes TDK the highest grossing film based from a comic book ever made. This is pretty significant considering that only ten years ago, Joel Schumacher had pretty much destroyed the notion of a serious comic book movie ever being made.

In fact, his neon-colored abortion of a film ensured that comics themselves would take years to be considered a serious medium again. High school comic fans across the country reported wedgie-related incidents up 33% after Batman and Robin came out. Truly, the 90's were a dark time to be a comic fan.

Granted, Marvel's X-Men and Spidey movies helped dig us out of that hole, but TDK is the first movie to capture the heart of the hardcore movie fan as well as that of Joe Moviegoer. Heath Ledger's final role will be nominated for an Oscar, and hardly anybody would be surprised if he won it. Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman put out excellent supporting efforts that in some cases held the movie together in some of the longer stretches. Oldman's James Gordon was, in some cases, more spot on than the that of the leading man.

Speaking of Christian Bale, I guarantee that he is at least partially responsible for the unstoppable growth of TDK. Not because of his grim, realistic portrayal of the psychologically damaged Bruce Wayne. No, Bale's real contribution to the film was getting women to plant their shapely butts into theater seats. Women don't just like Bale, they love him the way anti-smoking ads love to be obnoxious.

Honestly, if I hear one more woman rant about how sexy Bale is, I'm going out this Friday night in a big black cape and just growl at all the ladies at the bar. It probably wouldn't affect my night at all, sadly. In any event, the person responsible for casting him in the lead role deserves a Batcave full of money. Men want to be like him, women want to climb into his tights. Everybody wins.

In any case, TDK managed to rake in money, critical accolades and massive amounts of Internet fanboy-ism. It's the film that has proven to Hollywood that movies like The Fantastic Four do not need to be made any longer. Serious, dramatic adaptations of serious, dramatic books can actually be profitable.

Hear that, you snobby execs? We don't want crap! When a writer makes a book about a grown man who dresses as a flying rat and then leaps about punching effeminate clowns in the face, by golly, we want you to take that shit seriously!

When you do, you get a movie like TDK, which brings together mainstream bucks with fanboy fervor. It's a perfect situation for a franchise movie. It satisfied just about everybody, created an installed fan base for the next Batman movie and created a mini-cult around the dearly departed Ledger.

I mean, what else beside organized religion could possible produce something like this?

Why There Will Never Be Another Aliens

The problem with movies that want to be the next Alien or Predator is that they're movies that want to be the next Alien or Predator. That's the verdict of Cecelia from, and she should know; she's the person who gets to read all the scripts before they get made into movies.

Writing on her awesome The Script Reader blog, Cecelia explains,

Listen, fellows, I am not religious. I never went to church as a girl or repeated prayers or hymns over and over again. My sacred texts are Alien, Aliens, Predator, The Terminator, and Total Recall... But even if I’d only seen them once I’d recognize a “new version” of Alien(s) and/or Predator without having to be told what it was in a cover letter. Why? Because every sci-fi action script since those movies has been attempting to be the “new version” of those movies. And each time I hope they will be, because that would be awesome. But usually within ten or twenty pages my hopes are dashed, because all they’ve done is take the concept, plot, characters and major action sequences of Alien(s) and/or Predator and dropped in some new nouns, adjectives and character names, reducing my Nicene Creed to little more than a Madlib.

She even helpfully provides an example of what she's talking about:

Deep in the [name an uninhabited jungle or galaxy] in an abandoned [name an additionally isolated location such as an oil rig or a logging station], a crack team of [name a division of the U.S. army] special ops is sent to rescue a missing detachment of [name a group of innocent civilians (ie nuns, orphans, the blind, blind orphan nuns, etc)], only to come up against a force that is [sub/super] human. After brutally murdering [Brick Wall/Slate/2×4], the tough [black/latino] member of the team, and maiming [Hard Drive/Motherboard/microChip], the group’s geeky operations strategist, the entity shows itself to be a terrifying [alien/science experiment] shaped like a huge, grotesque version of a [name a species of reptile, crustacean or mollusk] with a [name a sharp and/or slimy noun]-like mouth. The team’s fearless leader, [Wolf/Bear/Panther], quickly realizes that if he doesn’t stop the creature, no one will, and that perhaps this battle, in addition to saving the human race, will help him [atone for/work through some of lingering emotional issues from] his recent [divorce/wife’s death/brother’s drug overdose].

The sad thing? I would still potentially watch that movie, if the special effects were good enough.

I can't help but wonder this, however; do people try to make these ripoff movies because they think that they're actually good, or because they think that they'll actually get made? Audiences don't really flock to see more cerebral SF movies like Sunshine, after all, but something like Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem can easily make $41 million domestically (Sunshine, by comparison, made just over $3.6 million in the US). Is bad SF the fault of the filmmakers or the people who go to see the movies?

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8 Timeless Classic Movies That Critics Are Afraid Of

There are some movies that are well liked, but no one gets offended if you have a few problems with them. Then there is another league of films, often called “classic” or “timeless,” that break beyond the mold of mere movie. Fans will defend them with the ferocity of a grizzly bear mama protecting her cub. That is why these 8 films, each deserving of at least a little criticism, frighten us into submission. First, though, let me say that I like every movie on this list — just not to mama grizzly level. Ok, I actually hate one of them, but I know better than to say which.

8. The Original Star Wars Trilogy

Star Wars

Why We’re Afraid

Let’s face it — unless you want to start a nerd stampede, you should be afraid to criticize the first three forays into that galaxy far, far away. When some fans actually want to change their religion to “Jedi”, you know a movie has reached something far beyond popular science fiction. It’s for good reason: there’s no denying that the original trilogy is one of greatest examples of smart, fun, escapist cinema around. But make a peep about any problems with these movies, and you’ll be looking at death sentences on twelve systems.

Why We Should

As good as Star Wars is, this sci-fi phenomenon isn’t without its flaws. Mark Hamill’s acting in A New Hope straddles the thin line between uncomfortable and annoying. Meanwhile, plot holes pile up, like why exactly the Death Star was equipped with a hole that might as well have come with a sign saying “Blow up here”. And let’s not get started on how exactly the Han Solo rescue plan at the beginning of Return of the Jedi would have worked if everything hadn’t played out exactly as it did. Plus, Ewoks. I know it’s hard to admit. They are adorable, after all. But surely they are a major evolutionary link in the path to Jar Jar Binks.

7. Grease


Why We’re Afraid

Bring up Grease to a group of women, any age, and you will be greeted with the same response: “Awww, I love Grease.” This is fine. They get a kick out of summer lovin’ and watching pretty people dance around in a simpler time. But things take a dangerous turn when you admit to an ounce of dislike for this musical. They’ll pounce faster than greased lightning, ready to declare you a heartless, un-American fiend. You’d think you were the hardass judge from Footloose and had just banned dancing altogether. For the record — that’s a better musical.

Why We Should

The songs, although catchy, are grating. The acting is stiff and borders on self-parody. The comedy is immediately dated. And worst of all, the problem with making a movie that celebrates a simpler time is that simpler times are by their very nature boring. Aside from it being an entertaining enough movie, it's just not the ultimate joyous musical that many feel it is. And no, I’m not saying that because I'm threatened by John Travolta’s scientologist henchmen.

6. Scarface


Why We’re Afraid

If you’ve ever watched an episode of MTV Cribs you know that, besides 7 cars they don’t drive and 3 dead behind the eyes models soaking in a hot tub, the one item that every rap star must own is a Scarface poster. Somehow, Al Pacino in an ugly suit has come to represent everything that thugs out there aspire to be. That’s why we’re afraid. We don’t want to get shot.

Why We Should

Scarface is a pretty cool gangster movie, but it drips with the 80s and hasn’t exactly held up perfectly over the years. What shocked and impressed a 1983 audience just doesn’t cut it in 2008. Plus, we should probably criticize it just to get all the Tony Montana worshippers out there to take another look at the film and pay attention to more than just his little friend and that mountain of cocaine. You guys realize your hero is supposed to be a warning about greed and excess killing you in the end, right?

5. The Wizard Of Oz

The Wizard Of Oz

Why We’re Afraid

It’s the first color movie ever made. That alone is enough to make one pretty wary about ripping on it. Add in the fact that it is one of the most beloved stories to ever grace the silver screen, and you’re really breaking a sweat when you think about calling the flying monkeys “stupid looking.” The Wizard Of Oz is one of those charming classics that almost everyone can agree on and at least enjoy in a nostalgic way. Almost everyone.

Why We Should

The Lollipop Guild, for one. A more annoying sound than their singing may never have been committed to film. The Wicked Witch is also one of the least threatening villains to become so iconic. When your greatest act of evil is simply being ugly, you shouldn’t be allowed in the upper echelon of villainhood. Finally, there are the songs. Oh, those songs. I wrote one of my own called “If I only had some earplugs.”

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey

2001: A Space Odyssey

Why We’re Afraid

It’s a movie that film buffs and sci-fi lovers can come together to fawn over. That’s a dangerous combination. Plus, it's a movie with fantastic stretches of awesomeness. Thanks to HAL we all discovered how frightening a glowing red light could be. Also, there’s a bunch of monkey people and this big shiny black slab, which makes great viewing even if you have no idea what’s going on. Monkey people! It’s like planet of the apes without all those pesky words.

Why We Should

I mentioned the no words thing right? Silent stretches in films can be haunting and wonderfully effective. But this movie takes it to ridiculous levels. I would imagine that acid is a necessary tool to even begin to enjoy the last 20 minutes of the film. Finally, the great part about this movie is that there are a few storylines going on. The problem is that some are far more interesting than others.

3. The Godfather

The Godfather

Why We’re Afraid

It’s regarded by many as the best crime movie ever made, and launched a successful franchise that still ripples into the gangster movie genre today. With powerhouse performances by Marlon Brando and the rest of the cast, there’s a reason the first two films in the series are the high watermark for mob movies. All of this makes criticizing this movie an offer you can, and probably should, refuse.

Why We Should

It’s a crime epic, there’s no doubt, but at times it does get a tad … boring. Intrigue and suspense is part of the genre, but sometimes we just want a good old fashioned mob-land killing. And Marlon Brando certainly makes an interesting choice as far as the voice he uses, but unfortunately “interesting” in this case also means “oftentimes unintelligible.”

2. The Passion Of the Christ

The Passion Of the Christ

Why We’re Afraid

Hardcore Christians are capable of frightening things. Sure, many of them are just trying to be good people. But every time we think of criticizing The Passion, thoughts of the Crusades flash in our heads. You can’t be negative about The Passion without sensitive Christians assuming you hate Jesus.

Why We Should

Because The Passion is a sadistic torture flick dressed up in religious garb. If the guy having the crap kicked (and ripped and beaten and whipped) out of him wasn’t Jesus, the Christian Right would have been up in arms. Plus, Mel Gibson is kind of a dick. Actually — I take that back. The “kind of”, I mean.

1. Every Art Film Ever Made


Why We’re Afraid

Because people that like art films are going to make us feel stupid the second we open our mouths to criticize one. When it comes to art films, not “liking” something immediately becomes synonymous with not “getting” something.

Why We Should

Sometimes a five hour silent film of a man sleeping is actually just a waste of time.

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Shane Black Has Written Lethal Weapon 5. Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Talks?

**We are now hearing that Shane Black may have only handed in a detailed treatment to Joel Silver and that they are taking two old scripts and mashing them together to make LETHAL WEAPON 5… Also hearing that Silver is after Columbus Short for a role**

Right now, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are rolling around in separate beds half-asleep mumbling, “We’re too old for this shit.” Let’s hope their co-stars Chris Rock, Joe Pesci and Jet Li are mumbling the exact same sentence tomorrow when they’re fully awake. It’s being reported by TrackingB that legendary screenwriter, Shane Black, has written a script for Lethal Weapon 5 and handed it over to his friend, the franchise’s producer Joel Silver. Moreover, the guys pictured above are said to be interested in reprising their roles as LAPD badges Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh. Coming Soon posted the following logline…

This time, homicidal Riggs (Mel Gibson) is about to retire, but pulls Murtaugh (Danny Glover) out of retirement to solve one final case, before they both officially head off into the sunset.

No further info was made available. Some readers will take issue with the adjective “legendary” used above but seeing that Black’s influence on the action genre, which dates back to 1987’s Lethal Weapon, remains obvious with this weekend’s Pineapple Express, why? From my standpoint, Seth Rogen’s pot vehicle would have been the action-comedy masterpiece some feel it is (CHUD says Oscar-bait no less!?) with Black’s involvement. For example: imagine memorable, superior one-liners rather than Axl Rose lyrics yelled mid-brawl in 2008. A bloodied Danny McBride meets The Last Boy Scout? Now, that’s a neverending breakfast conversation I’d pay to see three times.

The fourth Lethal Weapon film was released 10 years ago and managed to gross $128 million domestically. One could forsee Richard Donner returning as the director, since he helmed the prior four pictures and has a film on the burner entitled Sam and George with Gibson.

Discuss: Would you see a fifth Lethal Weapon with the original team? Either way, do you expect Shane Black’s involvement to make for a better sequel than Live Free or Die Hard, or Beverly Hills Cop: Ratner Vision?

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Worst Celebrity Workout Videos

Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian
Photo: Getty Images

The 80s gave us a lot of laughs and enough Aqua Net to make a hole the size of Texas in the ozone layer. One of the most notable 80's trends to stand the test of time is the celebrity workout video. Yes, it all began circa 1982 with Workout, when one Miss Jane Fonda chose to sweat it up in her camel-toeing leotards over stripping in space (a la Barbarella). And with that, celebrity fitness was let loose.

Since then, celebs of all levels (A, B, F and reality-wannabes alike) have invaded the shelves of your favourite music and video stores with their piece of the workout pie. Flash forward to today, where You Tube and personal websites showcase the various tight asses and "one-mores" of the likes of Carmen Electra and even Chuck Norris. Confused? Annoyed? Aroused? Here's my take on a few of the most interesting vids out there - all with the help of our friend Jane's leotards (scale of 3).

Photo by Michael Buckner/ Getty Images

Kim Kardashian's Body Beautiful

  • Famous for that "other" sweaty video, this tabloid darling now has a DVD and various downloadable short workout videos available free on her website. You might get excited over Luscious Legs or Booty Blast , but unfortunately, both titles under-deliver. My recommendation to her is that she should have spent those few minutes driving her drunk sister home instead of wasting my time with yet another lame fitness segment.
  • Rated: 2 leotards (I'm giving a bonus of 1 sweat band here, as at least these free vids come with workout cards that are basically leftovers from her Playboy shoot).
  • WATCH: Fitness fit for a princess! I guess vomiting IS a form of weight loss, although I can't help but seriously question her methods...

Credit: Paramount

Aerobic Striptease with Carmen Electra

  • It may seem self explanatory, but there's more here than just pole stands and fire-chick spins: she actually sweats! With the assistance of a personal trainer, Carmen glistens her way through a variety of exercises to such classics as Fit to Strip and The Lap Dance and Hip Hop! It may be just about every guy's dream to have their gals swinging around on a pole to get in shape, but the most likely outcome is a "soft" addition to your porn collection.
  • Rated: 2 leotards.
  • WATCH: The Intro to Aerobic Striptease, and get your dollar bills ready!

Credit: Koch International

Walking It Off With George - starring George Foreman

  • Walk? Sure! But more like walking my way to his grill, and not to the body of my dreams. I find nothing appealing about George, other than his late night infomercials. (Who else makes you salivate to a rotisserie chicken at 3am?) Yeah, walking is something almost everyone can fit into their day, but when I think of George Foreman and 35 minutes, 6-pack abs are not the first thing that come to mind.
  • Rated: 1 leotard
  • WATCH: A promo for George's new web show Knock Out The Fat, featuring gratuitous shots of the Foreman Grill.

Credit: MTV News
Jessica Simpson

  • Our favourite Daisy Duke-wearing MTV alum actually had a workout video in the making, but it was yanked before anyone could see it. Rumour-mill be what it may, the press was swirling with speculations of why the fatties of the world were being denied. Was it her drunken state while shooting? Her refusal to re-shoot? Or was it her father who banned it in the end? My vote is that daddy wanted to keep images of lil Jess sweatin' it up to himself.
  • Rated: unwrapped leotard
  • WATCH: This, as proof that Jessica probably thinks a leotard is a big cat living in the Africa. It's a marketer's wet-dream: endorsing a FITNESS VIDEO and PIZZA HUT!

Credit: Time Life

Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons

  • Watching Dick in shorts once rejected by Hooters employees is enough to turn even the 1,000 pound man off food. If that's his gimmick, then so be it. 2 minutes is about all I can handle of this squealing hot-panter and the various celebrity seniors bobbing to his right and left (insert random non-famous parent, like scary Sly Stallone's ma). Success story bonus footage be damned ... I'd rather make a big girl cry than listen to one bar of this royalty-free Big Girls Don't Cry.
  • Rated: 0.5 leotard
  • WATCH: Words you never want to see or hear: Richard Simmons, rock star.

Credit: J2 Communications

Team Steam with Alyssa Milano

  • Pre-Charmed era, and at the peak of her stint as Samantha on Who's the Boss?, I have to admit I enjoyed this video more for its flashback value (maybe "more for its throwback value") than anything. With TeanBeat posters adorning her bedroom walls, this video is more like an excuse for boys to watch young Alyssa work out in a training bra than anything else. Plus, it's outfits like this that make me both alarmed and excited to watch this years MTV Video Music Awards.
  • Rated: 2.5 leotards
  • WATCH: This, especially if you're really into 80s kitsch or a just really creepy old perv.

Credit: Morningstar Entertainment

Warm Up with Traci Lords

  • Like porn for ... well, more like porn-lite. Stretch and bend the Traci way, but with a shocking twist: she's not naked. For shame. I've seen her get better workouts in those other videos of hers. So what if she's fallen off the map? Even the underage queen of porn probably rates this as one of her worst caught-on-tape moments.
  • Rated: 1 leotard
  • WATCH: What more than likely, confused hordes of excited men back in the 80s.

Credit: Fox Video

Cher Fitness: New Attitude and Cher Fitness: Body Confidence

  • It's like porn for drag queens! I don't care how old or how alien-like she becomes - this woman is scary, yet fascinating. She was one of the first cross-overs of musician/TV star/Oscar winning actress/label whore, and one of the first to roll out a workout vid back in the late 80's. Regardless, if I wanted to see this gay icon's sweaty ass, I could easily head down to the gay-bourhood and catch a live show.
  • Rated: 1.5 leotards
  • WATCH: Corset or leotard? Inquiring minds want to know.

Credit: Image Entertainment

Private Lesson - Chuck Norris

  • Who wants to get fit with Walker, Texas Ranger?! Private Lesson should have been what Traci Lords named her video. Chuck should have stuck with Deltoids Force or Missing in Action.
  • Rated: 1 leotard
  • WATCH: An early precursor to Private Lesson or just a feeble Andy Warhol "movie"?

And the list goes on and on ... some notables though:

  • Paula Abdul (and one more rum and coke, and one more gin and tonic...)
  • Chyna (tranny fitness mess)
  • Cindy Crawford (lose weight the supermodel way - confusing aerobic with anorexic)
  • Claudia Schiffer (confusing dieting with disappearing)
  • Kathy Lee Gifford (Face Lifts 101)
  • Heather Locklear ("Loose weight the groupie way!")
  • Ultimate Warrior (grab your face paint, neon streamers and roids and let's have ourselves a workout!)
  • Oprah (does this come with a warning that it may induce hysteria?)
  • OJ Simpson (this is too easy)
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor (Slapping police officers 101)
  • Barbie (Mattel should spend more time pouring all that plastic into double Ds instead of DVDs)
  • David Carradine's Tai Chi Workout (what a drastic switch from Kung Fu!)
  • Angela Lansbury (I'm scared, Papa Smurf)
  • OK Go (ya it's not really a fitness vid, but there are treadmills and indy-hipster-workout-wear involved)
  • Happy Healthy Monsters (Sesame Street gets in on the action, and I'm not referring to Bert and Ernie)
  • Bas Rutten (you don't mess with El Guapo!)
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Colbert: Canton, KS Not Such a Shithole After All

On Monday, we told you about the Colbert v. Canton, Kansas debacle that had the whole nation taking sides, neighbor against neighbor, brother against brother, Canadian bus passenger against Canadian bus passenger. Well, last night, Stephen cleared the air with Canton, Kansas once and for all, by reminding us where the real shithole is.

Admit it, you forgot South Dakota was even a state. Seriously, fuck that place.

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Report: Morgan Freeman divorcing wife of 24 years, Myrna Colley-Lee


Morgan Freeman is reportedly divorcing his longtime wife. Click pic for a photo gallery on his movie career. Corkery/News

Morgan Freeman is reportedly divorcing his longtime wife. Click pic for a photo gallery on his movie career.

Morgan Freeman is divorcing his wife of 24 years, according to a new report.

Freeman's business partner, attorney Bill Luckett, told "Access Hollywood" that the "Dark Knight" star and his wife, Myrna Colley-Lee, "are involved in a divorce action."

The surprising news comes just days after the Academy Award-winner broke his arm and elbow in a serious car accident.

His passenger, Demaris Meyer, 48, is reportedly a friend of Freeman's wife. It's unclear why the two were together on Monday.

Freeman has been released from the Memphis, Tenn., hospital where he was being treated.

The actor, 71, married his wife in 1984 after eight years of dating. He has four children from two previous relationships.

Freeman's publicist had no comment on Wednesday.

The actor rose to fame with supporting roles in "Driving Miss Daisy" and "Glory," and later won an Oscar in 2005 for "Million Dollar Baby."

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Behind the scenes of Hilton's mock ad

By DERRIK J. LANG, AP Entertainment Writer

This undated image made from video and provided by Funny or Die Inc. shows Paris Hilton.  Paris Hilton, the blonde, doe-eyed celebrity thrust into the presidential campaign in an ad by Republican candidate John McCain, issued a tart rebuttal Tuesday, Aug. 5, 2008.  Hilton initially shied away from the debate over the ad and its effectiveness. But she responded Tuesday with a spoof on the comedy Web site Funny or Die.    (AP Photo/Funny or Die Inc.)
AP Photo: This undated image made from video and provided by Funny or Die Inc. shows Paris...

LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton didn't need cue cards for her presidential campaign ad.

The 27-year-old heiress memorized her entire monologue, which included Hilton outlining her energy plan, in an online video spoof posted on Funny or Die, the comedy Web site's content director said.

Co-founder Adam McKay came up with the concept for a mock ad starring Hilton, which has received over 3 million views since it was posted Tuesday.

"Adam thought it would be really funny to get Paris to respond to the John McCain ad that featured her," Funny or Die content director Amy Rhodes told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "Adam contacted Paris directly, and she agreed to do it. He wrote the sketch. And she really, really loved it."

In the online video, Hilton — clad in a leopard-print swimsuit and heels while lounging poolside — announces her candidacy for president and suggests an energy plan that combines elements of McCain's offshore oil drilling plan and Barack Obama's incentives for new energy technology. She also suggests a running mate: R&B singer Rihanna.

"I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead," she says in the video.

Rhodes said the video was directed by Jake Szymanski and produced by Chris Henchy of Gary Sanchez Productions. She said the video took a few hours to shoot at the house where Hilton was staying at in the Hamptons. Rhodes also said Hilton was not compensated for appearing in the video "because she decided she just wanted to do it for fun."

Jason Moore, Hilton's manager, would not comment to the AP about Hilton's appearance in the video.

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