Sunday, November 30, 2008

Family Valewwws: 13 Holiday-Season Films For People Who Hate Their Relatives

By G. Martin

The holiday season is officially upon us. The food, the festivities, the relatives. Feeling nauseous yet? Does spending quality time with the fam fill you with unspeakable levels of fear and loathing? Do you break out in sweaty hives at the very idea of all that forced togetherness and pre-fab merrymaking? If that's the case, take heart, because it could always be worse. No matter what your situation is, these 13 belligerent broods will make yours look positively Rockwellian by comparison. You will be grateful that you're drowning in your own gene pool and not theirs.

13. Parents

What if instead of serving Tom Turkey for Thanksgiving, your mother decided to dish up Tom, your next door neighbor? Living a vegan's worst nightmare, a little boy realizes very quickly that sometimes it's best to keep the origins of "mystery meat" mysterious. So the next time you're bitching about that umpteenth turkey sandwich, just be glad that the protein you're consuming never had arms or a credit card. Guess Chevy Chase and the Griswolds were lucky Randy Quaid ran out of meat that time he had them over for dinner.

12. Friday The 13th

Let's look at this from the Voorhees' perspective, shall we? If some snotty, half-witted counselors let your sorry, deformed ass drown at summer camp, wouldn't you want your mom to dedicate the rest of her life to avenging your death? It's the least she could do. June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable, Maggie Seaver and all those other so-called, "good" mothers aren't worthy of shining Mrs. Voorhees' bloody shoes. So kudos to you, Jason's mom. A family that slays together stays together.

11. Sleepwalkers

It's one thing to have a close relationship with your maternal unit, but it's an entirely different ball of wax once you start sleeping with her. In Stephen King's tale of felonious feline incest, shape-shifting Brian Krause spurns Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick for his own mother. Who ever said cats aren't affectionate creatures?

10. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

The only situation more unfortunate than being the black sheep of the family is being at the ebony ewe's mercy. As in most cases of violent sibling rivalry, the envious former child star blames her older sister for her life's problems. Considering how the majority of juvenile actors turn out, Baby Jane doesn't actually seem all that maladjusted.

9. Serial Mom

What would be the final straw that would convince you that your mommy was crazy? Her obsessive enforcement of the "no white after Labor Day" rule? The fact that she speaks in a rumbling baritone that gives James Earl Jones a run for his money? Or would it be her habit of killing people for no good reason? Kathleen Turner addresses all these questions and more during her John Waters-inspired spree.

8. The Stepfather

In spite of what The Brady Bunch would have us believe, most stepfamilies go through an awkward adjustment phase at first. Of course, that initial period of discomfort may last a little longer if your new daddy happens to be a homicidal maniac with severe identity issues. As the bizarro Mike Brady, Lost's Terry O'Quinn is a living, breathing (and murdering) endorsement for single moms to remain blissfully unattached.

7. Rob Zombie's Halloween

Providing viewers with a glimpse into Michael Myers' less than ideal upbringing, the lead singer of White Zombie gives us a peek at the boy behind the mask. From his slutty sister to his stripper mama's drunken, live-in boyfriend, The Shape's familial background is straight out of the serial killer's handbook. Then again, if those were your relatives you might be tempted to slaughter them, too.

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