No Final Cylon Will Ever Be Good Enough

By Graeme McMillan

With Battlestar Galactica returning in less than two months, anticipation is at fever pitch over the identity of the show's Final Cylon. We've looked at the clues to date and offered some theories of our own, but with SyFyPortal claiming that it knows the character's identity for sure - and then offering up five possible choices to choose from - it's time to look at it from another angle: Which character would be ruined if they turned out to be the Final Cylon?

While Charlie Jane isn't convinced by SyFy Portal's claim of spoilage, at least three of the five contenders seem particularly believable (Especially when you consider the WTF-age of Tigh, Anders, Tory and Tyrol's reveals at the end of last season). But at what point does the revelation that "[character X] isn't who you thought they were at all!" cease to be shocking - or even interesting - and start to be annoying? Isn't there a chance that the mystery of the identity of the Final Cylon has been ruined by being built up so much, and that no solution will end up being satisfying enough to fans? Here are SyFy Portal's five choices for Final Cylon, and why we'd rather that none were true:

Lee Adama
Why It Sucks: Short of the Final Cylon being Bill Adama himself, isn't this the second most obvious - and boring - choice? The son of the man who led the fleet back to Earth, and the one who's been presented to be some kind of voice of a greater morality (See his defense of Baltar and new political career), being revealed to be a Cylon would feel to be a cynical "gotcha" moment on behalf of the writers... but, on the other hand, it may finally manage to make the character interesting.

Felix Gaeta
Why It Sucks: While it'd give him an excuse for that terrible singing episode - He was clearly trying to drive humanity insane with his maudlin wailing - there would be a strange feeling of Deja Vu if Gaeta turned out to be the Final Cylon. Haven't we already seen the mid-level administrative Cylon reveal with Torry? And, more worryingly - and this is actually enough to make me convinced that Gaeta is going to be revealed to be the Final Cylon - considering Tigh, Anders and Tyrol have already been revealed to be Cylons, wouldn't this make all of the main players in the New Caprica resistance Cylons? If that's the case, then that's not retcon irony, that's just a bucketload of fail.

Laura Roslin
Why It Sucks: It's too clean a wrap-up for all of Roslin's storylines, for one. The visions? She's a Cylon who was predestined to be The One. Being cured of cancer by Cylon genes? Because she's a Cylon! Pushing suspected Cylons out of airlocks? Because her subconscious was overcompensating for her secret! Falling in love with Bill Adama? Because she had to get close to the leader of humanity! And so on, and so on. It's too neat that I don't really believe that it could be true - and, also, I can't see Mary McDonnell going for the idea, either.

Ellen Tigh and Cally Tyrol
Why Both Suck: The last two suggestions on the list are disappointing for exactly the same reasons - Because they're dead, and because they were married to another member of the Final Five, without any of them knowing. Sure, both have a "They were killed by a member of the Final Five" thing going for them for those who like the gritty irony thing, but it feels like lazy melodrama for the long-awaited reveal to be about someone who's already dead at the unknowing hands of one of their own (Although, were it Cally, then Torry's cruelty would come to light - and she'd arguably see her the wrongness of her actions). Worse yet would be if it did turn out to be one of these two characters, and they then came back from the dead; this isn't Heroes, thank you very much, even if BSG's Mark Verheiden has jumped ship to NBC's superhero soap.

Assuming that SyFY Portal's list is real - and that the Final Cylon is amongst these five characters - there are some things to be thankful for. That Starbuck isn't in there, for one thing, and neither is Admiral Adama himself. But otherwise, it's a worrying look at what may be to come... partially because it gives the feeling that no-one will be good enough to be the Final Cylon, and that there's no "good" way to finish the series.

Battlestar Galactica returns to SciFi on January 16th.

The Final Five On The Final Cylon [SyFyPortal]

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Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse

VATNAJÖKULL GLACIER, ICELAND—In an emergency session Tuesday, members of the Supreme Metal Council strongly condemned the increasing use of the metal hand sign in lay society, claiming that its meaning has become perverted by overuse.

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Elders of the Supreme Metal Council examine amateur-video evidence of what they are calling "a worrisome trend."

"The metal sign, or 'sign of the goat,' has all but lost its impact as a token of respectful recognition for something truly 'rocking' or 'metal,'" SMC president Terence "Geezer" Butler said. According to Butler, members are upset that their sacred gesture is being used to acknowledge and celebrate "favorable but clearly non-metal events."

"We have all heard the reports of people using it to greet their in-laws, or after starting their lawn mowers with a single pull," Butler said. "But recently it was brought to our attention that someone used the gesture in a Texas convenience store after snagging the last box of carrot cakes. This simply won't do."

Formed in 1972 and comprising 12 of the most revered leaders of the metal community, the council meets annually in its majestic hall atop Vatnajökull, Iceland's largest glacier, to discuss metal affairs. The SMC convened for a special session after Nikki Sixx, Overlord Of Glam Metal Affairs, was sent hard photographic evidence of metal-sign abuse across the nation. Sixx's fellow high priests said they were "shocked," calling it "one of the most serious affronts to metal's integrity since the rise of rap-metal in the late 1990s."

"I remember a time not long ago when the Devil Horns were reserved for only the most righteous of person, deed, or riff," Grand Elder Lemmy Kilmister said. "To see someone throwing the horns to his mate at the launderette because the clothes dryer came to a full stop just as he finished reading his copy of Circus... It breaks my heart."

Nodding in silent agreement were council members Adalwolfa, a curvaceous Frank Frazetta-drawn Teutonic she-warrior magically brought to life by the council, and the spirit of slain Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott.

Compounding the problem, Sixx said, is the fact that many people who use the sign are not recognized members of the Metal Roster, the list of true metal acolytes engraved in medieval calligraphy on gleaming pages of steel.

"This man here, who invokes the sign merely to indicate his joy that his microwave popcorn is done: He is not metal," Sixx said. "We have it on good authority that he prefers the music of Tim McGraw and that the magic word of 'Zoso' has never passed his lips."

The council discussed several harsh punishments to deter further metal-sign abuse. Paulo Pinto, bassist for the Brazilian thrash-metal band Sepultura and Overlord Of International Metal Affairs, suggested that the hand of a suspected signer should be immediately cut off. A contingency of death rockers from Gothenburg, Sweden recommended that any sign abuser, or anyone who is not sufficiently metal, should be forced to eat his severed hand while having his eyeballs burned with a superheated metal crucifix, and then be slowly skinned alive.

More charitable members, such as former Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine, suggested that "a helpful list of guidelines could educate others, allowing them to distinguish between metal and non-metal occurrences."

"A lot of people who incorrectly make the sign have traces of metal in their hearts and minds, they just need the proper direction," Mustaine said. "Remember that many are outcasts and losers. To punish them further is to destroy the future of metal."

Until the council decides what course of action to adopt, Butler said he believes that a simple rule of thumb will help reduce the incidence of metal-sign abuse.

"If your head is neither banging nor thrashing, you should not be throwing the sign," Butler said. "It's that simple."

Yet, in a later interview in his private, skull-bedecked chambers, Butler expressed the concern that the problem has grown too widespread for even the mighty SMC to solve. He said he worries that metal standards have been on the decline for so long that few have any clear idea as to what is metal and what is not. The SMC has experienced deep ideological rifts in the past that have affected its ability to make strong decisions, most notably during the lengthy trial and eventual sentencing of Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich, who was indicted in 2004 on charges of cutting his hair, pussing out on Napster, and contributing to the original motion-picture soundtrack of Mission: Impossible 2.

"To this day, there are many on the council who deeply resent the presence of [Poison guitarist] C.C. DeVille,'" Butler said. "In fact, so do I. Despite our differences, the council still remains the sole arbitrator of all things metal. We must get through to those who wantonly abuse the sign of the goat. They must be informed that watering down the sign's meaning will result in serious consequences."

Should the abuse continue, Butler said the council "will defer the matter to Satan."

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Tron 2 Plot Synopsis And New Title

By Josh Tyler

When Disney debuted test footage from their impending, long-awaited sequel to Tron at Comic Con, it came with the rather lame title of Tr2n. The good news is that it seems they’ve come to their senses and decided to call it something else. The bad news is that they’re calling it TRZ.

At least I sort of knew what Tr2n meant. You see that and you think, “oh they’re making a Tron sequel and they’ve given it a horrible, MySpace/Text Speak title”. When you see TRZ on a billboard, you’ll have absolutely no idea what it means. Well done Disney, you’ve accomplished something truly incredible. You’ve made the title worse. Luckily, there’s still plenty of time to change the title again.

The new title comes courtesy of the latest, jam-packed edition of Production Weekly, where they also have a brief plot synopsis for the film. Here’s what they think it will be about: “After being transported into the surreal landscape of a mainframe computer to destroy an intruder (Tron), a programmer finds himself allied with the leader of a rebellion against a corrupt cyber-entity.”

Read that synopsis carefully and you’ll get a few important clues as to what TRZ may be about. In the first movie a programmer named Flynn (Jeff Bridges) is sucked inside the computer to be destroyed. In the sequel, it sounds like the computer is bringing a programmer inside to help defend it. The test footage from Comic Con hinted at the possibility that Jeff Bridges might be playing the bad guy, an evil computer entity in the sequel. If that’s the case, it might actually make sense for a digitized Flynn, once a computer programmer himself, to bring in another programmer to aid him in fighting off rebels led by his once friend, Tron. The title may be awful, but as a story this is really starting to sound good.

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