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Saturday, April 5, 2008

7 Weird Superheros Who Won't Ever Hit the Silver Screen (But Should)

With new superhero movies coming out seemingly every three days, it's tough to maintain an interest when so many of them feel like redundant cash-ins. Because of the sad state of superhero movies, we decided to examine the pros and cons of several neglected characters who could possibly spice up this flailing movie genre. So evil doers beware, as we present "7 Weird Superheros that Won't Ever Hit the Silver Screen (But Should)"

7-Arm-Fall-Off Boy


Reasons for making a movie:
For those of us who are tired of seeing unfamiliar superhero movies and not knowing exactly what each character's powers are, Arm-Fall-Off-Boy would leave little doubt regarding his capabilities. We'd also really like to see that predictable comedic scene when while bowling Arm-Fall-Off Boy forgets to let go of his ball, causing his arm to detach and go tumbling down the lane.

Reasons against making a movie:
Can you really see his name on a movie poster? Or Movie Trailer Guy actually uttering his name? If we ever see this movie, expect it to come with an even stupider title, like Arms/Off.

6-The Black Racer


Reasons for making a movie:
We've got a seriously bad feeling about Speed Racer, and we also happen to think that African-American skiiers have been extremely under-represented on film. We can also hear the incredible soundtrack already, which would be entirely composed of those 3-minute "extreme sports" guitar solo songs.

Reasons against making a movie:
He can only stop criminals who are perpetrating crimes on ski slopes, and after awhile you'd have to wonder why so many valuables were being kept at such a place. People would have a hard time buying the idea that a man could ski that well in a suit of armor.

5-Matter-Eater Lad


Reasons for making a movie:
Think of all the child-friendly, edible merchandising this movie would create--you could make millions alone on consumable ray-guns and jail cells. And we could watch Matter-Eater Lad swallow steel rods all day.

Reasons against making a movie:
Is that pea-green jumpsuit able to stop a bullet? Because his super powers provide him with no defenses while he's chowing down on aluminum siding. There's also the secret Hollywood code that doesn't allow the word "Lad" to appear in an action-film title.

4-Bouncing Boy


Reasons for making a movie:
Often times in movies, the fat characters are funny, and in Bouncing Boy's case you don't have to feel guilty for laughing because his obesity is what makes him super. And you can be sure that when there's a fat, funny character there's going to be a side-splitting fart joke. We can already picture the scene where Bouncing Boy's flatulence accidentally propels him into the villain, knocking the gun from his hand and thus saving the day.

Reasons against making a movie:
There would probably be a couple of parents who would complain about the glorification of portliness in youth. In addition, I think Eddie Murphy and his closet full of fat-suits have probably already tapped all of this genre's potential.

3-Chlorophyll Kid


Reasons for making a movie:
It's so hard to truly get excited about saving the environment when destroying it is so easy, what with all the aerosol cans and the car exhaust. But with the Chlorophyll Kid, we'd finally have that needed inspiration to do the extra work and pay the extra money to recycle. Also, if you've ever watched a tree grow at regular speed you know how exciting it can be, but watching a tree grow once the Chlorophyll Kid has stimulated it will blow your mind.

Reasons against making a movie:
Unless the villain is always that singular plant monster, the Chlorophyll Kid is going to get his ass kicked. And unfortunately, it's probable that Chlorophyll Kid's love interest wouldn't have a pulse.

2-Stilt Man


Reasons for making a movie:
If the special edition DVD release comes packaged with free stilts, we'd take about seven of them. This movie would also make a very easy and very awesome transition into porno.

Reasons against making a movie:
Stilt Man's greatest nemesis is the banana peel, and it would be difficult to watch anyone battle that for more than an hour. We're also afraid of the horrible Inspector Gadget flashbacks Stilt Man would induce.

1- The Color Kid


Original here

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