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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Famous People Who Would Have No Friends In Real Life

There are some people whose very existence makes you want to punch them in the face. Everything about them screams 'Kick Me' or 'Mock Me Incessantly.' It's an indefinable quality really. Usually, these people either smarten up and start behaving in a more socially acceptable manner (i.e. less knob-like), or they manage to band together with similar asshat types. Unfortunately for the rest of us, a few of them manage to reach the highest pinnacle of their hopes and become celebrities, thus subjecting the rest of us to their utter tooliness with nary a word ever being said to them about said tool-like qualities. The following is a list of famous people who we all know, deep down in our hearts, wouldn't have any friends in real life.

Avril Lavigne

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God. Avril is such a downright wang that I don't even know where to start. Of course there's her "I'm a rock chick" persona, which makes real rockers cringe everywhere. There's her total lack of humility and modesty which leads her to say things like "Girl's just want to copy me." (Um, nooooooo.) And finally, there's her song Sk8er Boi which makes me want to scratch my eyes out with a rusty fork. (Note to Avril: The way you spelled Skater Boy makes me hate you even more. Also, rhyming boi with boi makes you incompetent.) All extremely good reasons why she's lucky she's a celebrity and has enough money to pay people to hang out with her.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

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Is there anyone smarmier than Philip Seymour Hoffman? He's what they call an actor's actor, which basically means he sucks up to other actors and talks continually about how "hard their jobs are" and how "acting is a difficult craft." Dude, you play make believe for a living, it's not exactly the bastion of difficulty. P.S. Using your middle name just makes you sound pretentious. And it makes me think of Little Shop of Horrors.

Tom Cruise

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Wait, I was wrong; Tom Cruise is smarmier than Philip Seymour Hoffman. I love how the excuses for his bizarre behaviour were that it was because he was in love. What. Ever. Think about it like this: Tom Cruise is forty-blinking-five years old. Do you know of any other self-respecting forty-five year olds who would hang out with him if he was just a regular guy? (He's what MY forty-five year old dad would call a Dorkius Maximus.) (Which is dorky in itself, but hey, leave my dad alone!) Also, way to be a crybaby about the whole water gun incident. Crybaby.

Lindsay Lohan

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Self explanatory.

Kanye West

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What? Huh? But, I love Kanye. Why is he on this list? Okay, sure, the guy has a modicum of talent, but we're not rating people on whether or not they can write catchy little ditties, are we? And let's face it, he's a total douche. What with his huge ego and silly hissy fits, we're surprised he has any friends at all (even with his celebrity status). He should really try something I like to call: Being a Man. (As opposed to a giant assface. In case that wasn't clear.)

Courtney Love

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Courtney Love's addition to our list is sort of an odd one, as she actually doesn't have any friends in real life. This is because she just kind of sucks. Like, really, really sucks. Also, if she was your friend, she'd probably steal your money and sleep with your dad.

Puff Daddy

(First of all, I refuse to figure out what he's calling himself now. It's annoying, extremely self-absorbed and very wang-like to (a.) continually change your name and (b.) expect people to care. News flash: We don't.)

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There are many, many reasons that Puffy wouldn't have any friends in real life: his continual stealing of other people's music when he samples them in songs, the way he dresses and 'blings' himself out, and the fact that he styles himself as 'Daddy.' (And Puffy. And Diddy. All equally vomit inducing.)

Mariah Carey

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I'm pretty sure that if Mariah Carey were to have any friends in real life, they'd be the friends who only kept her around so they could endlessly make fun of her. Like her obnoxious policy of only allowing photographers from snapping pictures of her from one angle, or the hand fluttery thing she does when she sings, or the slut-tastic way that she dresses. All good, nonstop opportunities for mockery.

Sean Penn

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Being friends with Sean Penn wouldn't be too bad, as long as you like chilling out with a pompous imbecile. I think that having a conversation with him would be like taking a first class trip to Idiot Island where he rules as king.

Ashlee Simpson

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All together now:

"You make me wanna vomit
In my mouth, on my hair
You may just be the dumbest person
Who has songs on the air
You're a Phony McPhonerson
With the clothes that you wear
You make me wanna
You make me wanna...
actually, you don't make me "wanna" do anything. I'm pretty sure that I want to go to my grave solid in the knowledge that I was in no way, shape or form influenced by Ashlee Simpson. It's my own private mission.

The Hills Cast

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These people make me weep for the future. Has a more self-involved, sniveling bunch of sycophants ever existed? Here's how we know they wouldn't have any friends in real life: They're on a "reality" show that focuses on their friendships, aaaaaannd they aren't really friends with each other. Le sigh.

Madonna

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She's mean, rude, greedy, and vain and speaks in a fake British accent. Enough said.

I think that there are a lot of famous people who would be alone in their apartments with, like, 50 cats if they hadn't hit the big time. But, alas, some spawn-of-Satan "talent" agent decided to inflict them on the rest of us leading them to all glory in their employees friends and narcissism popularity.

Original here

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