You might recall a few weeks ago, when we brought you video of a small boy child singing his little, confused heart out to Mariah Carey’s “Touch My Body.” (The video has now been thankfully taken down.) The first word that came to mind was NAMBLA; the second, “Inappropriate.” Which led me to wonder: How many other inappropriate covers of Mimi’s “Touch My Body” existed on the internet?
The answer, I was to discover, was thousands. But seeing as I love lists, I took it upon myself to bring you The 10 Most Inappopriate “Touch My Body” Covers that exist on the internet. I bring them to you here. Please, try your best not to touch your body at all while watching these.
10. The Eunich In The Silk Robe and Ankle Boots. Definitely not legal. And I think he’s, like, 19. If you wonder why kids in small towns become meth heads, I present the following video, entitled “Way Too Much Time and Nothing Better To Do.”
9. Retouch My Body. A fairly humorous parody from drag queen Jackie Beat that will make you crave food; photoshop; purging. Inappropes? Highly.
MORE LIST AHEAD!
8. The Old-Timey Emo Cover. One of the few cover artists who can actually sing in tune. Still, it’s the kind of video that should exist in this guy’s spare time, not so much the internet. Loving the Sepia change at 1:05.
7. Eastern European Emo Cover “Dutch My Body”. It’s like #8, with more accent and soccer jersey. You can pretty much only understand about 4 percent of what he’s saying, but the painting in the background makes it ~highbrow~.
6. Alvin and the Chipmunks. Surprisingly adorable. But let’s face it: All Chipmunk covers are highly inappropriate.
5. Ear Piercing Web Cam Girl. This is what happens when webcams started coming built into laptops: RECKLESS ABANDON with a hint of The Bourne Supremacy. You don’t even have to wait until the new season of American Idol for the outtakes. Admittedly, she’s better than at least 80 percent of these other people.
4. Tiny Man with Big Feelings. Sitting on the bathroom floor? These emo covers are slowly killing me. Us. Killing us.
3. The Puffy Shirt. This girl’s voice isn’t even that bad. What makes this cover inappropriate is her shirt and her shirt almost alone.
2. The Cover Only Your Animals Will Hear. They should start requiring applications to buy guitars, much like a gun.
1. The High Production Quality Cover. Did I say “inappropriate” covers? Because this is perhaps the most APPROPRIATE “Touch My Body” cover, with pretty outstanding graphic design to boot. 1:41-1:44 needs to be playing in my life at all times.
BONUS: Ever wanted to know what the Touch My Body music video would have looked like if a 13-year-old desperate for her Daddy’s love made a music video to it? I encourage you not to click here to find out. (No, really, it’s kinda child porny and all kinds of wrong. Not a cover, per se, so didn’t make the cut.)