I was originally hoping to have this roast recap up for you to read yesterday. Unfortunately, I'm a lightweight Midwesterner and it was both my first business trip and first after-party. In a nutshell, I drank too many pink squirrels, woke up yesterday morning naked at the top of the "Y" on the Hollywood sign, and it took a while for me to put together bail money. Luckily I took notes and photos, so the memory of the night can live on in the blogospere, even it's been erased from my brain.
After the jump, you can find my complete wrap up, beginning with the red carpet. But if you find it to be TL;DR, just know that the show-stealer was without a doubt Cloris Leachman. She may be an 82-year-old Oscar winner, but she tells and takes pussy jokes with the grace and aplomb of a 35-year-old featured act at The Laugh Factory. She completely killed and also provided more than ample fodder for the other comics on the dais. See for yourself:
Anyway, on with the recap.
The Red Carpet
Like I said, I took notes. And they were great notes too, because I'm a journalist. Actually, I'm a journalist like a veterinary assistant is a doctor, but I got the same press badge as everyone else.
So I arrived for the red carpet, which was actually blue, and hung out for a while with the press people. The guy next to me struck up a conversation, and after a few minutes I realized he was Marc Price, who played Skippy on Family Ties. He was covering the roast for iJoke.tv and was a nice dude.
After a little while the guests started showing up. Here are a few highlights...
After a few minutes, the battery in my camera died. Did I mention I'm bad at my job?
After the red carpet, I made my way inside. There was a goat ahead of me.
I enjoyed the bread basket at our table and some free beer delivered by a pretty lady, and before long, the show was starting. Needless to say, lots of dirty, mean things were said about everyone onstage, and a few people who weren't. Here's a selection of my favorite lines from the night:
"Jeff Garlin went on Jenny Craig. He cracked three of her ribs."
On Jon Lovitz: "There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank."
"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: 'And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget.'"
"I don't even know Bob. I'm just here because Lisa Lampanelli finally got murdered by one of her black boyfriends."
On Bob Saget: "You didn't just kill sitcoms. You raped them and left them for dead, just like I did to Gavin MacLeod in 1975."
[Ed. Note: Norm did this brilliant anti-comedy set of clean old-timey insult jokes that left half the audience baffled and the other half laughing their asses off. The delivery was so essential to the effect, so it probably won't come across in print.]
"Susie Essman may be a vegetarian, but she's still full of bologna in my book."
"Bob takes vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F and G, but he still looks like H!"
On Susie Essman: "Whenever Hollywood needs a loud-mouth bitch, you're the fifth person they call."
"Cloris Leachman's pussy is so big Baby Jessica had to be rescued when she fell in it."
"Cloris Leachman is so old, her tits are marked 'White' and 'Colored.'"
On Jeffrey Ross: "If you looked any more like a horse, Norm Macdonald would lose ten-grand on you."
In a word, the party was fun. In two words it was really fun. Fun, but hazy. I think someone might have spiked my vodka with alcohol. I should probably press charges. Anyway, it was held on a WB backlot that looked like a city neighborhood, and everyone from the roast was there. Also they had a churro station. Why doesn't everyone have one of those? I'm going to talk to my wife about getting a churro station installed at our house. Wish me luck.
Brian Posehn and Jeff Garlin
Bob Saget and Jim Norton
In conclusion, I loved being at the roast. I love my job. I love churros. I love you. The end.