Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Top 6 "Celebrities"who shouldn't be famous

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point in recent history, it became ok to be famous for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Plenty of people have opinions on celebrity gossip on the whole – but the simple fact is – a lot of people that are followed constantly in the press are there for a reason – they’re extremely talented. Take Britney Spears for example – yes, she’s crazy, yes, she makes awful decisions over and over again, but the she’s also an outrageously talented and driven performer.

That’s more than we can say for this group of – well – what would you call a person without a job, career, talent or marketable skills that mostly parties and lives off their parents? Oh right… now we call them “Celebrities”.

6. Nick, Brooke & Linda Hogan

WTF, reality TV? How did it come to this? Having grown up in the 80’s, I am intimately aware of who Hulk Hogan is and just how much ass he can kick. Remember when he slammed Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III? That was AWESOME! Well, that was also 1987, and shortly after, Hulk Hogan stopped being interesting to me. So now it’s 2008, and I have to see stories about his daughter Brooke, son Nick and estranged ex-wife Linda, all of whom look like they were dunked in bleach and slapped on a tanning bed at birth.

5. Tila Tequila

As we’ll see, this problem of fame for no reason can’t always be blamed on reality TV. This one is firmly the fault of myspace. As far as I can tell Tila is famous for two reasons:
• She’s reasonably good looking.
• She had a lot of time on her hands and was very good clicking the “add” button on myspace, which she did like 6 million times.

She got famous when Maxim decided to do a story on a hot chick with a lot of myspace friends. They found unemployed friend clicker Tila, and voila, another talentless celebrity was born.

4. Tori Spelling

I really don’t understand this one at all. The other day I caught a bit of her reality show, where her and her husband come out of a baby store and they are MOBBED by paparazzi? Now let’s review who they are:

She was known as the ugly girl on 90210, who was only their because her father was the producer. That’s the last thing of note she did, and that ended 8 years ago. And really, it was crap when it ended… the real root of her fame is 1990.

Her husband has never acted in anything bigger than a frickin Hallmark movie.

Now, I ask you, doesn’t this couple BELONG in obscurity? How can we possibly care enough to have the paparazzi follow them?

3. Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is getting more and more well known lately due to her reality show, keeping up with the Kardashians. I want to remind you that this isn’t why she is famous – she landed the show as a result of her fame. As far as I can tell that fame was based on living in LA, she lounging around and not really do anything, partying, being hot, having a million dollar ass and sleeping with a lot of celebrities for a living. So that’s something.

I actually find her so hot I don’t care. But she belongs on the list.

2. Paris Hilton

This list was made for Paris Hilton. An heiress with no talent whatsoever, she was really the first one that made an entire career out of being photographed around people who are famous for a reason. And that’s all she can really do. We do give her points for trying just about everything else you can legitimately be famous for. We’ve seen her model – which I guess she’s ok at. We’ve heard her sing, which was much, much better than any of her truly awful acting attempts. She’s now opening a club in Vegas, which I think is much better for her true talent, partying and having your picture taken. We also appreciate how many sex tapes she’s released – some stars give you one, but she just keeps giving.

1. Everybody on the hills

Audrina Patridge, Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Kristin Cavallari, Spencer Pratt & others. You’ve probably heard these names. You find them familiar, yes? What movie are they in again? Or is it TV? Are they in Gossip Girl? These my friends are the stars of MTV’s “Laguna Beach” with begat a spin off show “The Hills”. They are outrageously wealthy, privileged white people who live by the beach and go shopping in their Bentley’s. Most of them are making a career out of self promotion. Heidi Montag in particular seems to constantly release pictures of herself from photoshoots she organizes into the press. Audrina Partridge has new bikini shots coming out on at least a weekly basis. They are talentless and you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with them – but yet their fame grows.

So what’s the take-away here? Generally, I think even if you have nothing to give the world you can still be a celebrity. The rules:

1. Have famous and/or outrageously rich parents.*
* Millions of Myspace friends can be substituted.
2. Have and spend a lot of money yourself.
3. Be very, very hot and take a lot of hot pictures of yourself.
* Optional – release at least one sex tape.
4. Important – make sure not to attempt to do anything constructive.
5. Live and party in LA

Good luck folks!

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