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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Predator 3. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes. (Maybe).

You know what there’s not enough of? Films about really old men titting around in the woods with an invisible alien that looks like Whoopi Goldberg.

If you happen to agree with us then you’re in for a treat - movie producer John Davis has decided to revive the Predator franchise. Not just that, but he wants to bring back the biggest star of any of the Predator movies at the same time. That’s right - Gary Busey.

No, wait, not Gary Busey. Arnold Schwarzenegger. John Davis wants to make Predator 3, and he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in it. Predator 3 is far from official, mind you, because nobody knows what Arnold Schwarzenegger’s long-term political goals are. Also, we assume it’ll probably be quite hard to find anyone clever enough to write a film where the universe’s most advanced game hunters have trouble outwitting a rich old bloke with a funny accent.

It’s now completely fine for older actors to return to their action movie roots. Everyone’s doing it - Bruce Willis made Die Hard 4, Harrison Ford made Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and Sylvester Stallone’s entire retirement plan seems to involve running through the jungle and firing a machine gun into the air until his knees eventually give out.

But there’s one action star who hasn’t chosen to do that - Arnold Schwarzenegger. Rather than, say, take the easy option and make Conan The Incontinent, Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to concentrate on his job as Governor or California - a task that involves nothing more than tutting about the paparazzi and making horribly smug tourism adverts sometimes.

But as thrilling as recommending state legislation is, there has to be a part of Arnold Schwarzenegger that misses the old days. The days where all he had to do was frown and explode people in an impenetrable European accent and people would give him a million dollars.

That’s what producer John Davis is hoping, anyway. He’s got it in his head to make Predator 3 and, more than anything else, he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to be in it. Davis told Collider:

“Well, the Governor has mentioned to me that when he ceases to be Governor, if he doesn’t run for the Senate and all of that stuff, he’d like to do a movie or two again. And I don’t know, maybe we could restart the Predator franchise… We’d have to come up with a really good script and a really great angle on it.”

What? No you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t need a great script for Predator 3 at all. We’ve seen Predator 2, Alien Vs Predator and Alien Vs Predator: Requiem, so we’re pretty sure that if you got a Romanian badger with learning difficulties do draw a picture of an explosion in wax crayon on a sheet of used toilet paper, it’d still probably qualify as the best Predator script that’s been written for 20 years.

Let’s be honest, though. Just because Arnold Schwarzenegger could make Predator 3, it doesn’t mean that he should. By the time he finishes his next term as Governor he’ll be 64 years old, and we just can’t see how that could make Predator 3 any good. We’ve looked at this from all angles, and here are the only ways that Predator 3 with Arnold Schwarzenegger could possibly work.

1 - The Predator has given up hunting for a life of conning the elderly out of their savings by fraudulently posing as a wall insulation salesman… but he picked the wrong vulnerable old man in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2 - Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Predator decide their fate by having a Sudoku-off.

3 - Rather than coat himself in mud, Arnold Schwarzenegger accidentally defeats the Predator’s heat-vision by popping his colostomy bag on a hot radiator, skidding about in the mess until he’s covered in it and lying there for three days in the cold waiting for one of his children to come and help him up again.

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