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Monday, October 20, 2008

The 10 Characters Who Need to Get Laid... Right Now!

By Karl Rozemeyer

Jason Biggs in American Pie
Jason Biggs in American Pie
Courtesy of Universal Home Entertainment

Jim Levenstein in American Pie
Most Desperate Moment: When soon-to-be high school graduate/virgin Jim (Jason Biggs) is told "third base feels like warm apple pie," he just can't resist a hot, freshly baked apple pie left on the kitchen counter by his mom. With his pants around his ankles, deep into the flakey dessert, Jim is discovered by his father, returning home from work early. Excruciatingly awkward pep talk from Dad follows.
The Money Shot: Having performed too quickly…twice…with a Czechoslovakian exchange student (Shannon Elizabeth), Jim ultimately loses his virginity to a flautist named Michelle (Alyson Hannigan), the horny girl from band camp who has already bedded her flute. Two movies, and a much bigger paycheck, later he marries her in American Wedding. Chump!

Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft in The Graduate
Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft in The Graduate
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate
Most Desperate Moment: Recently returned college grad Ben Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) reluctantly agrees to drive the wife of his father's law partner, Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft), home after a party. Mrs. Robinson begs Ben not to leave, tries to ply him with drinks, puts on some sexy jazz, tells him her husband won't be home for hours, and even gives him a glimpse of the goods. Framed by Mrs. Robinson's curvy leg, Ben utters the famous line, "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me."
The Money Shot: On the pretense of showing Benjamin her daughter's portrait in the bedroom, Mrs. Robinson encourages him unzip her dress and then slips out of more than her slip. Eventually, Mrs. Robinson and Ben Braddock become lovers for one steamy summer. Final score: Cougars: 1; Braddock: 0.

Kristen Johnson and Mike Meyers in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Kristen Johnson and Mike Meyers in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Courtesy of New Line Home Video

Austin Powers in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Most Desperate Moment: Austin Powers (Mike Meyers) is shattered to discover that he's lost his mojo — the source of his toothy animal magnetism and spying skills — during a romp with the seductive and buxom Russian spy Ivana Humpalot (Kristen Johnson).
The Money Shot: After super-villain Dr. Evil shatters Austin's mojo into pieces, CIA agent Felicity Shagwell (Heather Graham) reminds him that he never really lost his mojo in the first place. Then he nails her. The end.

Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad
Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad
Courtesy of Sony

Seth in Superbad
Most Desperate Moment: Plus-size high-schooler Seth (Jonah Hill) gets invited by super-hottie Jules (Emma Stone) to a party, which he views as a last-ditch effort to get a girlfriend for the summer. After a string of misadventures in pursuit of the booze a drunken Seth pours his heart out to a very sober Jules. As he leans in for a kiss he delivers a bone-crushing headbutt instead moments before passing out.
The Money Shot: While super-dork McLovin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) gets some lovin' at the party, Seth leaves unlaid. The next day while shopping for ill-fitting jeans he runs into a black-eyed Jules and offers to buy her some cover-up for her bruise. Love starts to bloom in the mall.

Isla Fisher and Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers
Isla Fisher and Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers
Courtesy of New Line Cinema

Gloria Cleary in Wedding Crashers
Most Desperate Moment: Yes, bachelor divorce lawyers John (Owen Wilson) and Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) are the ones that infiltrate weddings in order to seduce available bridesmaids, but while attending the lavish nuptials of the daughter of the Secretary of the Treasury, Jeremy becomes the apple of Gloria's (Isla Fisher) obsessive eye. When she zeroes in on him, there's no escape. Desperate not to fall into the clutches of a "psycho clinger," Jeremy rebuffs all of her crazed advances. Determined to make all his fantasies come true, Gloria sneaks into his room at night, bounds and gags him to the bed... and rides him like a bronco.
The Money Shot: Even after revealing to Jeremy that she misled him about being a virgin (because she figured that's what guys want to hear), Gloria breaks down the defenses of the ultimate bachelor and finally gets her man. More nuptials follow.

James Mason and Sue Lyon in Lolita
James Mason and Sue Lyon in Lolita
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

Humbert Humbert in Lolita (1962)
Most Desperate Moment: How desperately smitten — and creepy — do you have to be to agree to marry a leopard-print-clad, sexually starved, aging widow (Shelley Winters as Charlotte Haze) just to get close to her gum-chewing, soda pop-sipping 14-year-old daughter? Well, that's exactly what Humbert (James Mason) does when he comes looking for a place to lodge and his gaze falls upon the sweet, blonde Delores "Lolita" Haze (Sue Lyon).
The Money Shot: Soon after their marriage, Charlotte reads Humbert's diary and realizes he's been lusting after her teenage daughter all along. Upset, she tears out of the house and is promptly killed by a car. The path is now clear for Humpy to pick up little Lolita from Camp Climax (honestly) where she has been spending the summer, and they take a languorous road trip during which he introduces her to the pleasures he has so longed to explore. Gross? Perhaps. Illegal? Definitely.

The locker room scene from Porky's
The locker room scene from Porky's
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

Pee Wee, Billy, Tommy, Mickey, Tim, and Meat in Porky's
Most Desperate Moment: While watching the girls shower at the school gym through spy holes made into the tile at waist level, one of the guys shouts out, "Will you move it, you lard ass?" when his view is blocked by one of the more portly girls. Most of the girls flee the shower room, but a few stay to watch Tommy's proudest asset make its appearance through the spy hole. The attention Tommy (Wyatt Knight) desperately wants is not the type he gets when the gym teacher (appropriately named Beulah Balbricker) takes matters into her own hands.
The Money Shot: The less endowed Pee Wee (Dan Monahan) is one of the last to lose his virginity, so the guys all head out to Porky's where, they've heard, they can have sex with the strippers for $100 an hour. But when the guys are swindled out of their money and humiliated, revenge becomes as important as the quest to get laid. Pee Wee finally loses his cherry to slutty Wendy (Kaki Hunter, who would reprise her role in Porky's 2 and Porky's Revenge) on a bus.

Bo Derek in 10
Bo Derek in 10
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

George Webber in 10
Most Desperate Moment: Things for 42-year-old songwriter George Webber (Dudley Moore) and his girlfriend Sam (Julie Andrews) aren't going so well, so instead of having a normal middle-age crisis and buying a shiny red car, George obsessively follows newlywed bride Jenny (Bo Derek) all the way to Mexico where she's on her honeymoon. When he spots his perfect 10 on the beach emerging from the water in a gold one-piece, his infatuation with her — and America's obsession with corn rows on white women — reaches a fever pitch.
The Money Shot: When Jenny's husband drifts out to sea, asleep on his surfboard, George saves his life. While her hubby recovers in the hospital, George gets Jenny to spend more and more time with him and soon discovers that her marriage is less traditional than he thought. But as soon as he's gotten his 10, George finds his thoughts drifting back to his old flame. (The sequel about George returning to Samantha, 6.5, sadly, remains unmade.)

Little Darlings
Little Darlings
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

Angel Bright in Little Darlings
Most Desperate Moment: Following a fistfight in the bus on the way to Camp Little Wolf, savvy chain-smoking, smut-mouthed Angel (Kristy McNichol) and prissy pampered princess Ferris (Tatum O'Neal) both admit to being virgins. A part-time teenage TV commercial model bets her residual check of $100 (it was 1980, after all) that Ferris will be the first to lose her virginity, Angel announces, "You just lost a hundred bucks, sucker!" it's on!
The Money Shot: Ferris is an eternal romantic who hankers after wine and flowers and sunsets but is deflowered by a hunky, indifferent camp counselor. Meanwhile, Angel, who thinks sex is little more than a biological function, tries to do it with longhaired Randy (Matt Dillon) at the boathouse. She's awkward and embarrassed and stalls at the undressing stage. An angry Randy thinks Angel's a tease and leaves. But later, as her feelings develop, Angel discovers that sex involves emotions and willingly gives herself over to Randy. (Campers having sex with counselors? It was 1980 after all.)

Tom Cruise and Shelley Long in Losin' It
Tom Cruise and Shelley Long in Losin' It
Courtesy of HFP/Lagardere Photo Archive

Woody in Losin' It
Most Desperate Moment: When four fun-loving teenagers, including introverted and sensitive Woody (Tom Cruise in his first big screen role) and his oversexed pal Dave (Little Children's Jackie Earle Haley) hop into a red convertible and blaze across the border to Tijuana in order to lose their virginity, they stop along the way at a grocery store in order to pick up some Twinkies. Instead, they pick up Kathy (Shelley Long), a woman fighting with her husband, who hitches a ride with the boys so she can get a quickie Mexican divorce.
The Money Shot: Come on! Tom Cruise, a bunch of boys on the make, booze, Tijuana, and a bordello? You do the math.

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1 comment:

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