Hollywood is unoriginal. We all know this. A study was recently conducted that proved that Hollywood is the second most unoriginal thing in the world (the first being Hollywood’s slightly retarded Hindi cousin Bollywood). Nowadays, nearly every new movie is either a remake or an adaptation of a book. I won’t complain. After all, tons of amazing movies are adaptations. That said, there are some books that, for some reason unknown to me, still haven’t been adapted. Following are five that need to be adapted two days before tomorrow.
Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
What it's about – It’s the 1840s along the Texas-Mexico border. A fourteen-year-old kid (suitably named “the kid”) is wandering around beating up bartenders, burning down hotels, filibustering, and all sorts of other wacky nonsense until he decides to join the Glanton gang – a gang that specializes in scalping injuns. From here, plenty of family-friendly hijinx occurs.
Why it needs to be adapted – Two words, one expletive: it’s fucking awesome. If that isn’t enough to convince you...well, at one part, a Delaware Indian picks up two babies (one in each hand) and bashes them against a rock in a gory mess.
Chances of it happening – Pretty good actually. With the success of No Country For Old Men and the upcoming The Road, Cormac McCarthy adaptations seem to be the cool thing to do these days. That, and the fact that IMDB has it listed as in production.
Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield
What it's about – In ancient Sparta, the Spartans were led by King Leonidas. The Persians come and demand Spar...okay, fuck it, it’s the same plot as 300.
Why it needs to be adapted – Because it’s everything that 300 should have been. Remember how lame it was that the Spartans went out like pussies when the Persians flanked them? Not here, they fight to the bitter end. Remember the depth that all of the characters had? Me neither, but this story had plenty of it. Remember how uncomfortable you felt when watching all those buff, shirtless men? These Spartans had our heterosexuality and sexual security in mind when they went to battle, as they wore armor.
Chances of it happening – When the book first came out, studios couldn’t wait to get the film version out of the door, but for some reason, studio buttfuckery caused it to remain in limbo. And then 300 came out. So if this DID come out, you can be sure that people would call it a ripoff.
Tick Tock by Dean Koontz
What it's about – Some culturally confused Vietnamese-American writer is trying to come to terms with his identity. He doesn’t get a chance to mull it over too much though since some weird lizard monster thing shows up on his doorstep with one goal in mind - kill the fuck out of him.
Why it needs to be adapted – Because I’m a narcissist and every movie should be tailored to my interests and this book was one of my favourites when I was younger.
Chances of it happening – Tons of Koontz’s books have been adapted into movies, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this one was too. The real question is, what are the chances of it being adapted into a good movie? Well, tons of Koontz’s books have been adapted into movies, but the problem is, most of them suck to the point of starring Corey Haim. So chances of this one fulfilling my childhood desires is little.
Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk
What it's about – Tender Bransen is the sole survivor of a cult that committed mass suicide. He gets his rocks off from talking other people into killing themselves, and his life is turned right-side up when the powers that be decide to turn him into a media messiah. Basically, it’s the biography of Miley Cyrus if she was a Heaven’s Gate member.
Why it needs to be adapted – Because basically, it’s the biography of Miley Cyrus if she was a Heaven’s Gate member. Seriously, fuck the Berenstain Bears, this story is chock-full of lessons for children. The lesson being “fuck these people created solely by the media because chances are they get their rocks off from talking other people into killing themselves.”
Chances of it happening – Well, the background for the story is the main character hijacking a plane and crashing it into Australia. I’m not sure why, but for some reason, plane hijacking offends people. Could somebody please enlighten me as to why this is? Was there a terrorist attack I didn’t hear about or something?
Bringing Down The House by Ben Mezrich
What it's about – It’s the true story of a bunch of nerdy Asians at MIT led by an eccentric teacher who develop a system for winning blackjack. They go on to take Vegas and various other casinos for millions. It’s basically the movie 21 without all the SHIT.
Why it needs to be adapted – Because the movie 21 had all the SHIT. It took all the good SHIT from the book, SHIT all over it, and turned the good SHIT into bad SHIT, making the movie nothing but SHIT. Laurence Fishburne didn’t even threaten to shove a poker chip down anyone’s throat. How the fuck can you call that a worthy adaptation?
Chances of it happening – Zero, since they already fucked it up. Good game, Hollywood, see you back on the bench.