Yeah, you heard. Buoyed up by the recent success of his peers, Steven Seagal has decided that he’s going to follow suit and make Under Siege 3. And there’ll be none of this ‘acknowledging the aging process’ malarkey, either - if Steven Seagal gets his way, then Under Siege 3 will be set in outer space where he’ll get to kung-fu a bunch of evil aliens.
So that’s Under Siege 3, coming soon to a theatre near you. Provided that the theatre nearest you happens to be the theatre playing inside Steven Seagal’s wonky and somewhat deluded brain.
There’s been such a glut of elderly movie stars revisiting their action roots lately that reaction to them has run the gamut from surprised appreciation (Rocky Balboa, Die Hard 4) to bemused hostility (Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull) to please-god-never-let-this-happen outright fear (Predator 3).
But there’s one upcoming action movie revival that literally defies reaction. One that, if you think about it in any depth for more than a couple of seconds, will overwhelm your mind with every possible human emotion and turn you into a vegetable. We’re talking, of course, about Under Siege 3.
The original Under Siege was, of course, a masterpiece of modern cinema. The perfectly feasible story of a chef who just happens to have the skills required to single-handedly defeat a gang of mercenary killers who just happen to be onboard the ship trying to steal a shipment of nuclear weapons, Under Siege won every Oscar going for an unprecedented five consecutive years, and made Steven Seagal so famous there’s at least one giant golden statue of him in every country in the world.
Then Under Siege was followed up with Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, which was shit.
But now Steven Seagal wants to get back in the ring and make Under Siege 3. And, just in case the thought of a portly 57-year-old man with a bad ponytail taking down a team of dangerous killers with his bare hands doesn’t sound ridiculous enough, don’t worry - Steven Seagal wants to set it in space. MTV reports:
“There are offers and we’re looking at them,” Seagal told MTV News. And he even has some ideas…of a more alien nature. “I personally want it to be something more modern. In other words I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or… maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”
Listen. If anyone who has the ability to greenlight movies is reading this, we want you to greenlight Under Siege 3 immediately. Immediately. Just call up Steven Seagal and tell him you want to make Under Siege 3. You don’t even need a script - just a spacesuit, some wires, 100 blokes dressed up as gun-toting aliens and the speed of reactions necessary to capture all of Steven Seagal’s ass-busting martial arts dynamite.
It’s such a brilliant idea. Part Under Seige, part X-Files. We’d definitely watch it. We’ve even thought up a proper name for the movie - Under Siege: I Want To Believe That Nobody’s Actually Thinking About Making This Bag Of Crap.