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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

19 Most Embarrassing Crossover Hip Hop Attempts

It’s no secret that hip hop has gone mainstream, become popular and for many, it can be very profitable. As a result, for musicians, performers and athletes, this genre of music offers an additional opportunity to prove one’s talent and subsequently to make some cold, hard cash. And while very few have been successful in crossing over to hip-hop, the track record for most has been failure. The following is a list of some of the worst failed attempts at crossing over to hip hop, by people that should have never tried in the first place.

Macho Man

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Before, Be A Man, was released, there hasn’t been a more unnecessary hip-hop album released since Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd rapped in order to promote their movie Dragnet in the 1980’s. The reported inspiration for this commercial flop was Macho Man’s disdain for former friend and WWE superstar Hulk Hogan. Hmmm, lets see the inspiration for your WWE character, you promote beef sticks, and you wear outfits more flamboyant than a gay pride parade. Admit it Macho Man, you don’t hate Hogan, you downright love his greased up 24 inch python.

Shaquille O’Neil

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Despite the fact that Shaquille O’Neil boasted about selling millions records as a hip-hop artist, I have yet to meet one person who has actually purchased his music. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out he has been purchasing his own records to boost his own sales; Lord knows he has enough money to make himself the best selling hip-hop artist of all time.

K-Fed

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In 2005, Moments before the idea came for K-Fed to begin his rap career, his baby is heard screaming in the background. K-Fed then began to shout in his BBQ stained wife beater, “hey, sugar tits!…How’s about I release a hip-hop record, and then wrestle in the WWE to promote it?” He paused for a second to stare deeply into his own reflection (on a rhinestone-encrusted mirror) and then continued, “Oh, and can I barrow a couple million to produce it baby?” Britney Spears then looked up from the couch downstairs, took a swig of her Miller High Life, rubbed her pregnant belly, and responded, “That’s a great Idea…now can you rub my swollen ass feet as I finish my beer!”

Deion Sanders

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Not only was Deion Sanders a decent professional baseball player, he was one of the best cornerbacks in the history of the NFL. Athleticism aside, Sanders ventured into the music business with his debut, Prime Time, with high hopes of extravagant record release parties and platinum records. He got the extravagant record release parties right, but the platinum records never followed. His record proved to be more piss poor than prime time, and it ended up becoming a critical and commercial failure.

Ron Jeremy

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Ron Jeremy has not only stared in nearly 2000 porno flicks, directed over 300 porn movies, written a bestselling autobiography, and lectured on college campuses all over the United States, he has also released the most god awful rap song to ever reach the Billboard charts. In the early 2000’s, Jeremy partnered up with the classy hip-hop producer DJ Polo to produce the steaming pile of poop called, “Freak of The Week.” Thankfully his interest in hip-hop stardom was short lived, and he soon returned to play his usual lovable role as an ugly pig-man that has sexual intercourse with hundreds of seemingly attractive women.

Tila Tequila

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Tila Tequila is not real. She is a digital concoction dreamed up by the perverted old men who run MTV. The one executive who has a thing for underage Southeast Asian children introduced the idea for Tila Tequila when he started a MySpace page for her in 2003. Apparently, Americans are more gullible than ever, because she continues to have a presence in pop culture. She released her record in 2007 to limited fanfare, which boasted hip-hop rhymes that sounded like a childish version of Fred Durst (oh, rearry?). MTV should apologize for inventing her, and hold a one-hour reality show that literally roasts Tila Tequila over an open flame.


Kobe Bryant

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Kobe is the kind of guy who believes he is the greatest at everything he does. He might be, with two exceptions: white girls from Colorado; and rap music. Kobe released a record entitled K.O.B.E. in the year 2000, although he believed it was the greatest record of all time, it proved to be a dismal failure. Maybe if Shaq makes a cameo on his record he might be able to go platinum, lord knows he can’t win a title without him. (”Yo Kobe - Tell me how my ass tastes!”)

Mr. T

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At the height of Mr. T’s fame, he and his agent decided it would be a great idea to produce two urban-inspired public service announcement Rap Albums. What followed were the cheesiest, most campy rhymes ever committed to tape. For all of Mr. T’s endeavors over the years, this was by far his worst, and thankfully he decided to leave hip-hop to the youngsters from New York. This was the right move, because if he and his agent continued their onslaught on hip hop, the genre may have never been able to advance from its infant stages.


John Cena

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Notably, John Cena is a bad ass. But why the hell did he feel the need to follow in the footsteps of Macho Man Randy Savage into the abyss of post-Wrestlemania hip-hop (anti-) stardom? Not only does Cena spend money uselessly on producing wrestling-inspired rhymes, he also spends his time free-styling and battling with fans. I guess John Cena doesn’t understand that steroids can’t help with everything.


Gary Payton

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When Gary Payton retired from basketball in 2007, everyone remembered the greatness he brought to the game. When Gary Payton released a single in 1994 entitled “Livin’ Legal And Large”, everyone couldn’t wait to forget this. In 1994 some idiot thought it would be cool to have popular basketball players record a bunch of rap songs for a compilation. The result of these efforts yielded the worst rap album in history

Joaquin Phoenix

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Supposedly, Joaquin Pheonix has retired from acting to pursue a career in hip-hop. From his terrible debut performance in Vegas, to his horrendous interview on the Late Show with David Letterman, one can only hope this awkward white guy gets run down by some gangstas and taught a lesson about the consequences for disrespecting hip hop.


Elvira

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When I was a kid I could remember having funny feelings when Elvira was on television. Regrettably those funny feeling went away when Elvira decided to expand her resume in 1988 by writing and performing, “The Elvira Rap” and “The Monster Rap.” Thankfully, her effort to expand her entertainment resume failed to communicate a point, and the horror world was gifted with the death of Elvira’s hip hop career soon after it launched. (Note: the picture displayed is not the cover of either of her rap singles)


Andre Rison

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Given, Andre Rison never released a hip-hop record himself; he did date the crazy bitch from TLC. So of course, at the peak of their relationship, Left Eye released a single featuring Andre Rison spiting the most cliché rhymes ever. After all was said and done, the only thing Andre had to show for his performance was the ashes of his multi-million dollar mansion. Bummer, man .

Brian Austin Green

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Brian Austin Green’s 90’s heartthrob status was off the charts when he played Donna’s Boyfriend on Beverly Hills 90210. In the midst of his popularity, he decided to follow his first passion, Rap music. In 1996, Green released is debut record, “One Stop Carnival”, which coincided with his character beginning to rap on 90210. Thankfully his rap career was short lived, and the public was sparred anymore hyped releases of his records. Rumor has it, Megan Fox found out about this album and called off their engagement later that same day.


Roy Jones Jr.

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At the age of 32, while on top of the boxing world, Roy Jones Jr. released his first hip-hop record called Round One: The Album. Jones Jr. cited the inspiration for the title of his record came from his amazing ability to, “…knock foos out in the first round.” Regrettably his album failed to knock out his most earnest of fans. Thankfully he had an amazing boxing career to fall back on, until he lost to Tarver three times in a row. Ouch…

Omar Epps

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With his staring roles in critically acclaimed films and television series’, Omar Epps has become one of the most talented actors of his generation. Unfortunately, in 2004 he decided his fans needed more of Omar and he released a hip-hop record called, The Get Back. Critics lampooned his effort and told fans they would never be able to GET BACK the time wasted listening to his record.

Dee Dee King (Ramone)

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In the late 1980’s, Punk Rock Godfather Dee Dee Ramone decided to follow his dream of becoming a rap star. Shortly after, critic Matt Carlson wrote that the album, “…will go down in the annals of pop culture as one of the worst recordings of all time. This of course, makes it one hell of a great punk rock collector’s item.” Collectors item or not, it is at this point looked at as an embarrassment by all parties involved, as well as the entire Ramones’ fan base.

Tony Parker

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Yes, Tony Parker is from France. Yes, Tony Parker hits it with Eva Langoria. And, yes his music is absolutely terrible. Parker is known for being an avid fan and connoisseur of hip-hop, but this in no way qualifies him for putting out a rap record. To make matters worse, the album was recorded entirely in French, therefore it would have been more appropriate for him to have put out a dance record.

Paris Hilton

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Though Paris Hilton, to my knowledge, has never aspired to be a hip-hop star, she was caught on some television show trying to rap with Snoop Dogg. As you will see, Snoop Dogg encourages this disrespectful behavior and therefore has sold out whatever cred he had left. Snoop we know you want to hit that but did you really have to sell out the genre like that. And Paris, go back to making homemade pornos…that’s all you were ever almost decent at.


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