by Daniel O'Brien
I will no longer sleep with Tina Fey if she asks me to.
That’s right. I mean, the New York Times will probably be running my official “I Will No Longer Sleep With Tina Fey If She Asks Me To” announcement sometime next week, but I wanted you, the Cracked Readers, to hear it first, and to hear it from me. Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking:
Your thoughts:“Horseshit, O’Brien. Of course you will. You appreciate her smart, quirky, self-deprecating sense of humor and you can’t deny that her skin looks incredibly soft. Also, you’ve always had a thing for powerful women, particularly ones that rock sexy librarian glasses, and no one rocks them quite as hard as Tina.”
That all might be true-
Your thoughts: “It is true, God Dammit.”
Okay, alright, take it easy. You’re right. I’ll admit, at one point in my life, I most certainly would have graciously accepted Tina Fey’s generous boning invitation. There was a time, not too long ago, when all I thought about was receiving Tina Fey’s Please-Come-Over-And-Bone-Me-Silly text message late at night. “Sure thing,” I’d cooly reply. “I’ll be there soon,” I’d add, also cooly. Then I’d drive over in my 97 Nissan Sentra and I’d pop in my homemade, totally romantic Now That’s What I Call Boning Mixed CD, (it’s basically a Barry White album plus one track of me grunting while lifting weights). The rest, as they say, would be history. Ass history.
But, that is not the case anymore, Ms Fey. According to this god damn article in Reader’s Digest, Tina Fey is practically publicly begging me to ignore her late-night text messages. One of the major offenses that stuck with me was Fey pointing out the difference between male comics and female comics: “I think male comedy is more boisterous. Usually it involves robots and sharks and bears. Female comedy is more likely to be about the minutiae of human behavior and relationships.” Robots and Sharks and Bears? How many Richard Pryor jokes had “Bear” as the punch line? How many Seinfeld jokes involved sharks? (”What is the deal with constantly swimming to avoid dying? Am I Right?”) None, Tina. Stop pretending male comedy is all id-driven retard candy and female comedy is all brilliant, thought-provoking social commentary. “Female comedy is about the minutiae of human behavior and relationships”? I’d reference some hilarious female comedian to disprove your point right now, but I can’t fucking think of any.
Don’t worry. It gets worse.
As aggravated as I was to hear Tina disregarding the entire history of male comedy as juvenile, robot-obsessed frat humor, I could forgive her, because she’s a very passionate and outspoken woman, and I think it would be neat to see her naked. But then she went on to commit a most grievous sin. In the interview, Fey very subtly and very briefly calls out one Jon Stewart:
“RD: What pleases you more, applause or laughter?
Fey: Laughter. You can prompt applause with a sign. My friend, SNL writer Seth Meyers, coined the term clapter, which is when you do a political joke and people go, “Woo-hoo.” It means they sort of approve but didn’t really like it that much. You hear a lot of that on [whispers] The Daily Show.”
You thought you could outsmart us by whispering, Tina Fey, but guess what: Reader’s Digest is a magazine. (With words.) Do you have a problem with The Daily Show, Tina Fey? Do you think you’re better than The Daily Show, or that you’re funnier than Jon Stewart? I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where I’d need to choose sides in a Fey-Stewart Feud, (especially one that I’m almost entirely creating), but I can say without a doubt that I choose Stewart. The Daily Show has had some weak spots, but I am fucking thrilled that Stewart is, consciously or not, the unofficial spokesman for my generation. He’s our guy, Tina. First you shit on male comics for not being as attuned to the minutia of human behavior as female comedians (Lisa Lampanelli?), and then you’re dissing The Daily Show? Please pull your head out of your finely-toned ass long enough to hear me tell you how much sex we’re not going to have.
I hope you can understand and, really, you brought this on yourself. You’re a funny writer and comic actress and I love 30 Rock. I love it. However, because, for some reason, you seem to believe it’s your mission to discredit and write off male comics everywhere, you and I can never have the wild, scorching love affair we’ve both been dreaming about for years. I’m sorry, but it just isn’t going to happen, not even if you beg me for it. No matter how many times you apologize and no matter how much candy you send me, you’ll just never be ‘riding the midnight meat train,’ as they say, (no one says that). I hope you can move on with your life, even though I’m pretty sure you can’t.
Speaking of Women I Never Plan on Having Sex With
Let’s see what’s new with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. According to a recent study, a substantial amount of Hannah Montana toys contain high levels of toxic lead. It would seem poisoning our children isn’t just for the Chinese anymore. I’ve been saying it for years, people, Hannah Montana wants every American child to die horrifically. Understand, she views live children as nothing more than “abortions that got away” and, given her well-publicized status as a serial abortionist, she just thinks she’s finishing the job. I have seriously been saying that for years.
Still, this is probably a tough time for Little Miss Snakeface. Lead toys and, if you’ll recall from last week’s post, she is hilariously lonely- that’s a lot for a fifteen year old. Well, I’ve got just the thing to cure at least one of those problems, Montana. Last week, I asked the relentlessly charming and cripplingly attractive Cracked audience to post why they’d make excellent mates for you and the response was overwhelming. If none of the fine folks mentioned below meet your standards, (I can’t imagine why), I’m sure we’ll have some more hopeful suitors next week.
P.S. MetalBrainSurgery, I want that song.
“Because Mandy Moore has not yet responded to my shameless internet flirting.“-Gladstone He’s hurting, Hannah. Console him.-D.O.B.
“I for one would love to date hannah montana. i can say on our first date i certainly wouldn’t have a team of kidnappers prepared to take her, hold her for ransom (lets face it, billy ray’s gotta still be rakin in achey breaky heart dough), then upon receiving the money force montana to do my laundry(my mom made me start doing it myself last week, it’s pretty confusing) for the rest of my life instead of returning her to her throne of lies.
I also enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and music made by less than untalented tweens.” -Tim
“I’m hot, so… There’s that.
Oh right, and I love Hannah Montana and would never violate her, cut her up and send her limbs to cracked bloggers for them to do with them what they see fit.” -Maarten You’ll get paid when I get her hands, Maarten.-D.O.B.
“Not only can I cook and dance but I also have mounds of useless knowledge. Everything from Freakazoid to ham to prowrestling. I also have a comprehensive guide to old timey slang. I can even help with abortions. I mean she has at least 1 a day so why not have a part of me in what I destroy. Also being the father of the antichrist would look good on a resume.” -LoganB You’re not gonna find a better man, Montana-D.O.B.
“I’ve got candy.”-JuanitoGallo I stand corrected.-D.O.B.
“i should be hannah montana’s new boyfriend because: I am the antichrist and a close friend of cthulhu, also i am funny and smart, i know how to listen to a woman and i like to slaughter people, black magic and drugs.
we are meant to each other.
i feel like i already love her.”-Sieg
“hannah montana i want to know some things about you, not really about you but your fetishes actually!
if you do decide to lay your eggs in my severed neck (like you do) check the following that you do and enjoy
likes to lay there while people verbally berate you with mabisms and spit on you
likes to get socked in the jaw by a overweight baltic man while you touch yourself
do you like “watersports”
do you like to send nude pictures that i can easily give to the press and ruin you
do you think the simpsons should be canceled cause it sucks now a days
are you a furry? come on you can tell me
 and can i buy you a drink. yeah i know your 15 but all the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be cool right?
so get back to me if you can
oh and hannah montanta created AIDS to rule the world and uses her show to turn all the men gay so the population would collapse” -stark And a bonus Mabism! Booya!-D.O.B.
“I’m a girl AND I’m only a year older than her.
That’s her kind of thing, yeah?
I’d gladly give up my head for this plan, which can only end in her downfall.
(You got that kind of audience commitment, A.V. Club?)”-Ellie They certainly don’t, Miss Ellie! Suck it, A.V. Club!-D.O.B.
“I should be her boyfriend because I can save her a lot of money. Specifically, I am not above kicking her in the stomach real hard once a month.” -Glenn
I ain’t gonn’ be moved on this. Right or wrong, you gonn’ mind me. Like Jesus Christ said, “Imma suffa’ you. IMMA SUFFA’ YOU!” Get yo ass back in my house!”-Lazarus
“I’m an alcoholic sociopath with numerous convictions for aggravated assault and I’m on the sex offenders registry in four states–
Fuck, I think I screwed up. Can I start over?”-J.R. Bob Dobbs No no no, you’re doing fine, keep going. -D.O.B.
“I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend because I’m a girl…
Oh, additionally because I’m trained in thrown weapons (axes, spikes, knives), fencing, American Sign Language and playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Put those all together, and you get the best date EVER for Hannah Montana! Now, where’s my spinny wheel of doom…”-Mandie Technically everything can be a throw weapon, but we’ll let this slide.-D.O.B.