Do you hear that? A vortex of suck that hungers for your soul. It can only be one thing, the new Sex and The City movie is coming and your girlfriend is already making plans for the two of you to go in spite of your pleas that you don’t like it, don’t want to see it and want to keep your last shred of dignity. But let’s not be so close-minded about the whole thing.
Of course, it’s going to be a terrible movie; it’s based on the awful TV show. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t get anything from the experience. Look at it like this: this show is beloved by millions of women. It appeals to their basest nature in a way even they don’t understand. If you’ve ever watched a group of drunk, 20-something year old women falling down in the street screaming at each other ‘no, I’m the Carrie,’ you know what I’m talking about.
So think of this movie not as 2 hours of material porn for women, but something you can use. A window into a woman’s mind they wouldn’t dare say out loud to us. With that in mind, I present the primer 5 Things You Could Learn About Women from Sex And The City:
1) NYC is a fantasy land for women. It’s like the Playboy Mansion for us. New York is a magical place filled with shopping, art galleries and copious amounts of flavored vodka. A place where women who hate trees and driving, can live in peace.
If you don’t believe me, watch every episode in which they left NY. They go to the Hamptons and one of their friend’s husbands tries to start an affair. They go to the beach and drunks invade their house. Hell, when they go to the woods they’re assaulted by the overwhelming quiet.
But what’s so great about NY? Why does the show demonize life outside it so much? Because the SATC girls are all about name brands and NY is the biggest name in cities. Living in a 1-room box in Brooklyn still has caché. It’s like having a cast off $1000 Prada bag; it’s still a Prada.
2) Women Love Money. Every chick on that show was banking and every guy they dated had even more money. Carrie’s relationships in which the guy didn’t own whole buildings in NY, a place where an apartment is 700-grand, were doomed to failure. Why did these women need so much money? They weren’t taking care of children or saving for retirement.
Because if they saw something they liked, they bought it with the justification “you deserve it.” Alternately, if they couldn’t afford something, they must not deserve it. That means if your boyfriend can’t afford to buy you thousands of dollars in jewelry or fly you to Paris on a whim, you must not deserve it. Scary when you think about it.
Even scarier, which one of them didn’t get a guy with money? The bitch. Men accept that if they don’t go to college and get a good job they’ll end up with a less attractive woman, but how about having to spend the rest of your life strapped to the biggest bitch in the group? If that doesn’t scare high school males into studying, nothing will. Put that message on an SAT prep book cover and you’ll raise scores instantly.
3) Women don’t do stuff together. They talk and they shop, but they don’t do anything. This is why they get so mad when we want to do something with the guys. To women, couples do things and friends talk. Time we spend doing stuff with the guys is time they spend doing nothing - unless they can find a friend to talk with, although, they’re still really doing nothing.
This is also why single women are so blindingly unhappy. It’s not that being alone is so awful. It’s that they’re bored out of their skulls because they need a guy to do something with.
4) Women talk about everything. EVERYTHING! They talk in so much detail that her friends may spend 5 years referring to you by your anatomical distinctions instead of your proper name. If you’re lucky, it’s “Mr. Big.” What’s scary is they talk about more than sex; if you’re mother gives you a bath her friends will hear about it. Yeah, think about that for a second.
How much do you want her friends to know about you? Illegal activities? Money problems? Personal issues? You have to control the flow of information to your girlfriend to control the flow of information to them. All things considered, her friends knowing that you cry when you have an orgasm is relatively minor.
5) Women be crazy. Again this is a no brainer to us, but they actually did a whole lesbian storyline on SATC just to illustrate how crazy women are. That means they know it too.
Use that to your advantage. She knows she’s being irrational, so be the rational one. When she’s freaking out over something small, sit there calmly until she’s done. Tip: Don’t tell her she’s being irrational. That’s not being rational; it’s being superior. Wait for her to let it all out. Women like it when you keep your head in the face of their meltdown. If you’re lucky, anger turns to tears and tears turn to post-traumatic crazy sex. See, you can learn some useful stuff from SATC.
So there you have it. Not reason enough to go see the Sex and the City movie on your own, but reason enough to tolerate it if you’re forced to go. View it all as an experiment, a sacrifice for science, if you will. You can make the best of a bad situation. And man, is that movie going to be a bad situation.