Sunday, June 22, 2008

Why the hell are you excited for Transformers 2?

I visit Digg a lot, as any self-respecting Internet junkie should. I also thought the first Transformers movie was pretty horrendous, as most self-respecting nerds of the 80's should. I find myself constantly being surprised, then, that nearly every piece of information on the Transformers sequel, no matter how small or irrelevant, always ends becoming popular on the site.

New set pics? Dugg.

Speculation about the title? Dugg.

Rainn Wilson will be in it? Dugg.

I'm not trying to pick on Digg, of course -- if anything, Digg does a great job for acting as the general will of the Internet-people -- but in the pervasive and inconceivable lust for a sequel that hasn't come out yet, to a film which sucked really hard.

I mean, yeah, the fights were kind of interesting (if really difficult to make out given Bay's shakycam and the too-detailed CGI), but Jesus -- how could any self-respecting Transformers fan be happy with a plot where Optimus Prime plays second banana to Shia fucking LeBouf? Hell, third banana, if you count Bumblebee? Where Megatron doesn't show up until the very end, and isn't even killed by Optimus? Where we spend the majority of two and a half hours -- two and a half hours -- hanging out with boring-ass human characters when all we really want to see is Optimus Prime kicking the crap out of Starscream?

Both as a fan of the original series and as an appreciator of decent films, I literally couldn't find more than one or two things I actually liked about Transformers. I know I cannot be alone in this.

Why, then, is there such hubbub about every irrelevant piece of news on Transformers 2? Do we honestly believe that the presence of Rainn Wilson will somehow make up for Anthony Anderson's -- I repeat, Anthony Anderson's -- supporting role in the first one? Will some neat set pics or a potential Asian locale make up for the fact that Michael Bay will still be directing it, which means the characters will still be flat and boring and the action clumsily shot? How can we possibly bring ourselves to be excited about a film which, given everything we know, will probably be a pile of total shit?

With the exception of superhero movies, we all know that sequels always suck more than their predecessors. It's a fact, unless we're talking about Spider-Man or James Cameron is involved or something. It is an equally well-known fact that Michael Bay cannot make good movies. When you combine these two terms, "Michael Bay" and "sequel," should that not set off some sort of "this movie will be shit" alarm in all our nerdy, film-loving heads?

I mean, this is usually the part where, in order to cover my ass, I say something like: "Look, if Transformers 2 ends up being a good movie, I'll happily apologize and eat my words." But I literally cannot conceive of any possible scenario in which the sequel will be anywhere near what we might call a decent film. The first flick made enough money that Bay is probably convinced that he doesn't need to change anything about the way he makes films. People will pay to see robots fight other robots, even if they have to sit through two hours of people who aren't robots engaging in completely boring interpersonal conflict.

I have no personal solution to this problem, outside of just praying that people eventually stop caring about a movie that will eventually suck in roughly the same way battered women still consider their abusive husbands "nice guys," but that's obviously impractical. Being the pretentious, self-centered blogger that I am, I can only hope -- hope that Transformers 2 is either the greatest film ever made and that I be proven wrong, or that it's so bad that no one ever dare utter the word "Transformers" again without shuddering from the deepest, darkest parts of their robot-loving hearts.

Transformers 2 will suck.

Stop caring about it.

Original here

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