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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Text Me TV: Proof that the Apocalypse is Near

So I saw an ad the other day on this shitty local station based in Lansing, MI, for this late night show called Text-Me TV. It’s on at like 2 AM so pretty much no one watches it, but their commercial intrigued me nonetheless, because its big selling point was that “you could be the star” or something along those lines. The ad didn’t really explain the show, so I had to do a little research to figure out what the hell the purpose of the program was.

Text Me TV

It turns out, Text-Me TV is a show hosted by a couple moronic college students, or kids in that age range, and they sit on the couch and gab while a bunch of text scrolls up on the screen. By now I’ll bet your wondering how you can be the star of such a thrilling television show. Simple: you send these two ass-clowns a text message, and it will display on the television! Isn’t that exciting?! That’s right, for only 99 cents, you can send a text message to two complete strangers, and it will appear for a minute or two at 3:00 in the morning on some regional public-access network that nobody watches. How exciting!

And if your text message is really cool the two dipshit hosts might actually acknowledge it, and talk about your text message on live television. I don’t know about you all, but this is the coolest thing ever. And by cool, I mean the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

This is one of those times where the mere concept for a show is so stunningly retarded, I can’t believe that it was approved by anyone, ever, for any reason. In fact, if the fact that this show exists isn’t proof that we are on the verge of an apocalyptic meltdown, then I don’t know what is.

Don’t people have better things to do than send text messages to a couple of losers who have nothing better to do than sit around talking about the text messages they are getting? What’s even better (worse), they pitch the show as a “revolution” in live TV. Check out these talking points from the show’s website, complete with random capitalization and lousy grammar:

TeXTMeTV is a revolution in live television.

Totally live, its the show where You Are The Show.

From Late Late Night to the Early Early Morning,

Every Night, you can be on live TV!

But the party doesn’t stop, the show doesn’t end there.

Take TMTV with you wherever you are, wherever you go.

TMTV is more than a chat room in magazine show format. It’s a news bulletin board. It’s improv comedy , gossip column and poetry slam all rolled into one. If you want, it can be like your own personal classified advertising machine on steroids..

Are you ready for your close-up on TMTV ? It’s whatever you want your appearance on TV to be. And it’s live, all night, every night.

TeXTMeTV is your new global community … TMTV is TV for the myspace generation!

Pretty goddamn lame, right? How can they say that I can “appear” on live TV, when all that appears is a message I sent? Now I can already hear someone trying to derail my argument, “But Andy, you haven’t even watched the show, how can you judge?” Easy, its fucking stupid, and I’m certainly not staying up till 3 AM to find out. The only local access show that was ever fun to watch was Hot Trax, where a couple teenagers would play their favorite rock songs on their stereo and play air guitar and dance around. No really, I’m serious. I promise. It was great.

I wonder how many people actually watch this Text Me TV shit. I can’t imagine that it’s more than three people. Maybe they show it in prisons as some kind of crazy punishments for rapists or something. If this is what they call a “revolution”, then let’s all just kill ourselves now and get it over with.

This has been Andy sayin’, “See, that’s the worse we got is, uh, Jemimah’s Witnesses.”

Original here

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