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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Top 10 '80s Movie Moments We Once Loved But Now See in a Different, and More Disturbing, Light

By Jennifer Mathieu

When you're young, dumb, and you've used so much Aqua Net that your neurons aren't firing normally, it's easy to fall for movie tricks that make things seem one way but when you really think about it years later, they are really another way. It's happened with a lot of '80s movies, so here's a collection of the Top 10 '80s Movie Moments we see differently now that we’ve aged a little bit (just a little bit), in no particular order.

The Breakfast Club: Allison's Transformation

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Could Ally Sheedy's basket case character Allison have been any cooler, what with her dandruff art and her parents who ignored her and her goth wardrobe? I currently love to hate how this classic teen film had to involve an MTV-style makeover of Allison into a Claire Standish, Jr. And only after Molly Ringwald's Claire has completely done her up does Emilio Estevez decide to plant a big wet one on Miss Allison. Whatever! When I was 13, I thought it was sweet. Now, I see it as just another example of how teenagerhood really crushes individuality of any kind. It might have been cooler to see Molly get all punked out, now that I think about it.

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Say Anything: Diane and Lloyd Get Back Together

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OK, so remember the scene where Diane (Ione Skye) shows up at Lloyd's (John Cusak) kickboxing studio and she asks him back even though she'd completely broken his heart and given him a pen? At first watching, the 16-year-old heart in me found that totally sweet and believable. Only now, I get the feeling Diane was just a lost, freaked-out girl whose dad had been convicted on tax evasion and she was running to the only man nearby. Even Lloyd intuitively gets this. ("Are you here because you need someone, or you need me? Forget it, I don't care.") So I guess that for any guy out there who wants a girl, make sure her dad (John Mahoney) and he's ripping off old people.

Sub point: As much as I love Lloyd, reflection as an adult makes me find it highly unlikely that a) a teenage boy would write a love letter to the girl he lost his virginity to her and b) Lloyd and Diane would have gotten together at all.

Sixteen Candles: Jake Ryan Goes for Samantha Baker

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Ah, the classic Sixteen Candles. The dreamtastic teenage girl fantasy of meeting Mr. Hunk-ola and having him kiss you over a burning birthday cake. Let's think back for a moment though and face facts. The only reason -- the only reason -- Jake Ryan (Michael Schoeffling) was into Samantha Baker (Molly Ringwald) was because he found that note she'd written in Independent Study that said she wanted to have sex with him. THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON. He didn’t know her, had never really spoken to her, and he was basically tired of his blond cheerleader girlfriend throwing parties and wrecking his parents' house all the time. Samantha was a demure sophomore ready to give it up. That's all. And that's why he was interested in her. Creepy!

Sub point: No way would Samantha's family have ever let her miss her sister's wedding reception!

Sixteen Candles: Every Scene Involving Long Duk Dong

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When a bunch of us watched this film at my bachelorette party, we thought it was going to be laughs laughs laughs. Yet we all found ourselves collectively cringing in embarrassment as the movie does nothing but make fun of Asian people over and over and over again. Ouch.

Sixteen Candles: Anthony Michael Hall's Character Essentially Rapes That Girl

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Wow, Sixteen Candles really hit a trifecta. Again, this point went unnoticed by me when I first watched this film in junior high. Again, during the viewing at the aforementioned bachelorette party, we squirmed uncomfortably as we discussed the fact that Farmer Ted basically does it with Jake's ex-girlfriend as she is passed out in a car and in no state to consent to sexual intercourse. By the way, Jake basically handed his ex-girlfriend off with a wink and nod, which makes him even less dreamy, now that I think about it.

The Breakfast Club: Anthony Michael Hall Still Has To Write The Essay

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Lest you think I'm picking on AMH, I'll provide another moment that made me shake my head in frustration when I rewatched this movie as an adult. Despite the fact that they've all shared moments and cried and smoked pot and danced to We Are Not Alone by Karla DeVito, Anthony Michael Hall's nerd character still has to write the essay for Principal Vernon. It reminds me of being in school and having to do the entire group project by myself because I was a straight-A student. Not fair at all, yet at first viewing, I thought nothing of it.

The Karate Kid: Daniel Wins The Tournament

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I'll straight up admit that I had and still do have the hots for Ralph "Daniel LaRusso" Macchio. He was totally yummy in that nerdy Italian Stallion way. When my dad took me and my brother to see The Karate Kid in theaters, I had no trouble believing that Daniel would have won the All Valley Karate Tournament. Now, viewing the same film with my adult eyes, I take one look at Johnny (William Zabka) and think, "No way in Hell." I mean honestly, did you check out the muscles on Zabka?

Sub point: Now, as an adult, I also do not believe that Pat Morita's character would have actually been able to "fix" Daniel's leg with a little rub and tug. Seriously, was there even any Icy Hot on his hands when he did that magic trick? Come on.

Pretty In Pink: She Doesn’t Pick Duckie

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I guess this one doesn't really count as, even when we were young, most girls felt Andie Walsh (Molly Ringwald) should have ended up with Duckie Dale (Jon Cryer). Apparently, John Hughes originally planned for Duckie and Andie to end up together and changed it when audiences reacted negatively. I don't know who was in those audiences, but I felt it then and I feel it now. She belonged with Duckie. Even if he was kinda stalker-ish.

Some Kind of Wonderful: Keith Blows His College Money on Diamond Earrings

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Oh my God, I loved this movie. I loved the way Keith (Eric Stoltz) ended up with the punk rock Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson). I loved the way Lea Thompson’s character Amanda told off that Hardy Jens guy (what kind of name is that?). I love the date that took place in the museum (thanks to Duncan). Even today, I am willing to believe that all of that could happen. But what I cannot believe, what I cannot get over, is the fact that Keith was stupid enough to blow all of his college money on some diamond earrings for the woman he loved. When I first saw this film, I thought that was the epitome of self-sacrifice and romance. Now, having just paid off my student loans, I think it was the stupidest thing he could have ever done. You fucking moron! You just blew your college fund on some fucking earrings!!!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: No One Believes Jennifer Grey

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When I first saw this movie, I thought Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) was the coolest, most incredible high school boy ever to walk the Earth. Now, as an adult, I look at this film with my grown-up eyes and feel incredibly sorry for…Jennifer Grey. As Ferris's sister Jeanie, she is forced to endure her parents' obvious favoritism toward Ferris as well as a police force and a school system that refuse to believe anything she has to say. Ferris is a liar and a cheat, and Jeanie follows the rules. Yet Jeanie gets punished (except for the fact that she gets to kiss a young Charlie Sheen…meow). Not fair. Not fair at all!

Sub point: I cannot believe they actually thought running the odometer backwards would work. Dumb ass teenagers!

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