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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The 9 Unmanliest Superheroes

You had to have seen it coming. I mean, we couldn’t have a Top Ten Manliest Superheroes without a Top Ten Un-Manliest Superheroes could we? Well, we can’t, and you shouldn’t expect anything less from our blatant attempts at mediocre sensationalism.

In case you missed a few weeks ago, here’s a link to our Top Ten Manliest Superheroes. I recommend you read that before you read this, cause you can’t know what a manly man isn’t unless you know what he is. Oh, and lets all just remember that this is for fun people? Got it? Great, good, on to the insanity.


9. Iron Fist

I really hate to include him on this list but…it must be done. Let’s face it, he wears little yellow booties. The dragon tattoo on his chest is ok but his lemon-lime color scheme has him looking like a spokesman for Sprite. His real name is Danny Rand and as the Iron Fist he was part of a duo back in the 70’s called Heroes for Hire. Danny was always the ‘bitch’ of the duo. Luke Cage, his partner, had him by the balls and where Luke led, Danny followed. Now that’s not very manly.

8. Thor

Thor was one of the first ones I knew had to be on this list. It’s a running joke in the Marvel Universe that he’s a ‘metro-sexual’ through and through. He reads Wedding Monthly and has long blond hair that he must condition constantly to keep it looking as nice as it is. Shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, rinsing, and repeating are not manly activities. Throw in his usual hippie attitudes and you have a fairly girly man there. The boy wears knee high boots, tight knee high boots. You just can’t be that manly when you cry at weddings.

7. Shipwreck

Shipwreck’s one of the GI Joes and is only a Navy Petty Officer. Not a SEAL or anything, Shipwreck is the designated boat driver. Never mind the obvious point that being the chauffer for real badasses like Duke and Snake-Eyes is unmanly, his name is freaking SHIPWRECK! Who the hell hires a boat driver that has a nickname Shipwreck? What the hell were they thinking? Finally, the man dresses like he’s in the YMCA. Shipwreck doesn’t just work hard, he plays hard too.

6. Archangel

Warren Worthington the third was one of the original X-Men, and where did that get him? A stint on the B-lister team the Champions, that’s where. Maybe his power of flight alone wasn’t enough to give him the A-list credit? Beast was one of the Avengers for heaven’s sake, pun intended. Warren is a spoiled rich kid who happened to have wings on his back. That’s it. Didn’t he feel just a bit out of place with the likes of Cyclops, Iceman, etc. who had real powers? I mean come on, flight? And not even real FLIGHT! But only the limited flight his wings could provide.

This forced him to do things like shoot bazookas at his enemies all the time or get stuck with ‘scouting’ duties. I can picture it now:

Cyclops: “Gee Angel, why don’t you go scout out the scene while we fight the bad guy?”

Angel: “But I scouted last time. I want to help you guys fight.”

Cyclops: “Yeah, about that…listen, we really need a scout…please stop crying.”

5. Bruce Banner

Now, I know the Hulk is very manly: smashing things, running around half-naked, and generally being pissed off, but Bruce Banner is his unmanly alter-ego. If the Hulk is very manly and the Hulk is everything Banner isn’t then it’s obvious that Banner is very unmanly. Left to his own devices, Banner would sit inside all day pining away for a girl, Betty Ross. He’s bullied by everyone around him, including Ross’ father General Ross.

General Ross, a real manly man, realized the horrible feminist tendencies in Banner and set out to have him destroyed. I think it is because of this, and not the Hulk at all, which is the real reason General Ross tried to kill him. I mean if your daughter eventually fell for the weak and puny Banner, wouldn’t you try to kill him too?

4. Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic)

The man is the ‘dad’ of the Fantastic Four and while fathers are normally manly, this one can be considered as manly as Rosanne Barr is skinny. Like most of the other heroes on this list, his power is pretty lame: he can stretch. Wow Reed, if I need someone to reach behind the fridge I’ll let you know.

Also like a lot of people on this list, he’s a NERD! A mega nerd with no social skills (Peter Parker at least always dated lots of hot chicks), and while Reed did luck out somehow to get the Invisible Woman, I really think there’s got to be some catch there. You see, I got this theory that all her claims of loving his intellect is B.S. cause I think she’s just kinky with his ‘stretching’ powers if you know what I mean. That doesn’t mean he still isn’t wussy and sits around reading all the time and thinking about stuff rather than being out in the wilderness. Nothing manly about reading, unless it’s the menu at Randy’s BBQ.

3. Michelangelo

He’s the team screw-up that causes more problems than he solves. The rest of the turtles constantly have to cover for his mistakes. He’s also the team idiot who usually just cracks unfunny jokes and eats pizza all the time. But more than anything else, his weapon is his downfall. When was the last time you ever saw nunchaku’s kill a man? Not killing men is unmanly. He’s also single handedly the character responsible for all the damn catch phrases like ‘cowabunga’ and so on. Noting more harmful to youth culture can be presented than the promotion of the word ‘cowabunga’. As if the world needed more pseudo-surfer slang.

2. Bumblebee

This one was easy. Bumblebee is the Transformers team wiener, coward, and all around waste of metal. All he’s good for is failing miserably so the rest of the Autobots can look even cooler when they beat Megatron and save Bumblebee at the same time. If that wasn’t enough, he transforms into a VW BUG! COME ON! There is no manly thing about a VW Bug. I know a guy who bought a Bug and then died three minutes later of an estrogen overdose. Finally, Bumblebee was almost always the catalyst for the show’s ‘moral lesson’ and boy did that piss me off every time I had to learn, cause that’s not manly.

1. Aquaman

Oh let the hate mail pour in. You had to see it coming. You just had to. His power is to talk to freaking sea creatures! It’s the most limited power for a character that is supposed to be one of the top echelon of DC superheroes. Not all animals, which might have given him just enough versatility to be useful, but NO! only sea creatures. There is nothing manly about Flipper or Nemo. To make matters worse, a character who COULD talk to all animals was created, named Animal Man (cause that’s creative). Aquaman isn’t even a little special anymore.

The people at DC aren’t stupid, they saw the unmanliness too. So they cut off his hand, gave him a pirate hook/harpoon, grew him a manly beard and said ‘look! He’s manly now’. Sorry, nice try, come again. The harpoon/hook is a joke. He never spears anything with it and he usually just has it scratch his back, never anything manly. And let us not forget that his power is still talking to sea creatures. Sitting around conversing with crustaceans and speaking with seahorses is not manly, eating them maybe, but not fraternizing with them surely.

And must I mention the gold sequin shirt with large green gloves and pants? Why the hell would a person born to the sea need gloves? Or wear pants? Men don’t wear colored pants, they wear jeans, fatigues, and go nude—that’s it.

Ok, now think about this. Gold sequin shirts don’t come in stores. He had to make it. Think about that for a second. He actually took the time to make himself a gold sequin shirt. Aquaman is as manly as PMS and just as logical.

Original here

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