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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

7 Actors (and 2 Directors) Who Need to Retire

By Jenni Miller

Sean Connery in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Sean Connery in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Courtesy of 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Sean Connery's confirmed he's done with acting and it's not a moment too soon. (We'll always have "Suck it, Trebek!" on SNL reruns. Sadly, we'll also always have The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.) But, as the legendary Scottish star walks of into the sunset, we've recognized a handful of other actors, and two directors, who need to take a cue from Connery.

1. Harrison Ford
Harrison, you had a great run but we got exhausted watching you go through your Indy motions in Crystal Skull. You haven't made a decent drama since What Lies Beneath in 2000 but you did make a mockery of hacking in Firewall. You could go the route of Richard Gere and start making rom-coms for ladies of a certain age, but you at least need to retire the hat while you still have some dignity. For the sake of Han Solo, Jack Ryan, and that crazy, sweaty guy in The Mosquito Coast.

2. Eddie Murphy
In Delirious and Raw, you dropped enough F bombs to make Lenny Bruce rise from the dead. You also made 48 Hours, Trading Places, and Coming to America. But now you torture us with Daddy Daycare, Norbit, and Meet Dave. Step away from the sequels and come quietly to the land of retired comics. Joe Piscopo did it; why can't you? (Piscopo's still alive right? Eh, who cares.)

3. Mike Myers
Did you see The Cat in the Hat? Shrek The Third? The Love Guru? Hmm, neither did we... Now that we think about it, if you keep this streak alive, and continue to make movies we'll never see, that's just as good as being retired. Keep up the invisible work, Mike!

4. Rob Schneider
We know Adam Sandler's coattails are tempting. He's given you those bit parts in almost all of his movies, from Mr. Deeds to Big Daddy to Nobody Messes with the Zohan. He's given you ideas — bad ideas. Like writing, producing, and starring in the upcoming The Chosen One, which, for some reason, features a gay Buddhist monk. (Sure to rival the offensive Asian preacher you played in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.) Fade away into that good, non-Hollywood night, and we'll cherish the memories we have of you playing hackneyed, racist characters. You can do it!

Verne Troyer and Uwe Boll on the set of Postal
Verne Troyer and Uwe Boll on the set of Postal
Courtesy of Vivendi

5. Uwe Boll
It's not just that you can't stop making horrible movies, or that your source material is from old, crappy video games (Postal? Seriously? That was a game from 1997. It was 2D! It ran on Windows 95!) It's not that you have 6 projects in development, including another sequel to BloodRayne, and four in production. It's that you're so adamant your movies aren't shitty. Paul Verhoeven may still think Showgirls was misunderstood, but at least he has RoboCop and Total Recall to fall back on. Uwe, if that is your real name, the only good thing you've ever done is challenge Michael Bay to a boxing match on pay-per-view. We never thought the day would come, but you made us take sides with Michael Bay. For that you must leave us. Now!

Dane Cook in Good Luck Chuck
Dane Cook in Good Luck Chuck
Courtesy of Lionsgate

6. Dane Cook
Starring in "comedies" like Employee of the Month to Good Luck Chuck and My Best Friend's Girl (which you also produced) only go to show that your choice to star in Mr. Brooks, a moderately creepy thriller, was a fluke. But now that you've written a Disney full-length feature, Dad Knap, you must be stopped. What next? A trilogy about Myspace? Fire your agent, quit hanging around college campuses, and take your "edgy" comedy back to the dank bars from whence it came.

7. Tobin Bell
Didn't Jigsaw die? Can't you make him stay dead? Take your creepy puppy and be away with you!

8. Stephen Baldwin
The last good movie you made was The Usual Suspects in 1995. Although there's always a place in our hearts for terrible horror films like Shark in Venice, which includes sharks, the Mafia, and long-lost treasure, it is time to admit you're the least talented Baldwin. Hell, even the fat, crackhead Baldwin has better prospects than you.

9. Rob Cohen
Although the possibility of a Russ Meyer biopic sounds promising (appropriately called King of the Nudies), you can't stop churning out xXx and The Mummy sequels. Meanwhile, you're executive producing a John Carpenter movie that stars Nicolas Cage (both of whom almost made it on this list... sorry, John, you're our hero but They Live was 20 years ago). Just step away from the director's chair and return to your catacomb loaded with neon green street racers and cardboard cutouts of Vin Diesel.

Original here

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